U. S. Jokes

How did the U. S. elect an Orange as president?

Gerrymandarin.

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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.

What's the difference between a Russian Potato and a U.S. Potato?

The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.

How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

What U.S. state was founded by Muslims?

Allah-bama

What did the U.S. airdrop to the children of Afghanistan?

Bombs

Why is Jeopardy the #1 show in the U.S.?

Because Michael Douglas starred in "Double Jeopardy" in 1999.

What did the U.S airdrop the the children of Syria?

Dead parents

What is a Car in the U.S.?

A mode of transportation. :D

Why is the U.S dollar getting stronger?

Fiscal therapy

What did Putin say to the U.S. and E.U. after invading Ukraine?

Crimea river

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What's the most awkward U.S state?

O....Hi!.....o.....

What makes perfect sense?

The U.S. mint (cents)

Which U.S. state abbreviation is the best?

I'm not sure, but Oklahoma's is OK.

What do you call a high security U.S. prison in China?

Wonton-amo Bay

How much liquid can Monica Lewinskys mouth hold?

One U.S. Liter

How does Romney only claim a 14% tax rate?

He claims 47% of the U.S. as dependents.

Why did the U.S. invade Panama?

Just Cause

Why did both Germany and the U.S want to hire Apes during World War Two?

Because they are excellent at waging Gorilla warfare!

Why hasn't Mexico got an Olympic team?

Because the ones who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S

What did the U.S president say before starting WW3?

Nukes... You're fired!

What is the difference between a 14 year old boy in the U.S. and one in Mexico?

A 14 year old boy in the U.S. is a freshman and one in Mexico is a senor

How do you know it was not U.S. that did the aerial bombing?

Because the funeral, wedding and hospital were not the targets.

Who was the least funny U.S. President?

FDR. His standup could use some work.

Who is the least guilty U.S. President?

Lincoln. He's in a cent!

How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .

What do Filipinos call Canada?

Upper U.S.

How does one refer to intentionally harming the national bird of the U.S?

It's an ill-eagle activity

Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.?

Because it's indivisible.

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Drink Jokes More Drink Jokes

How do you turn German beer into American Beer?

Drink it

Why did the young ghost leave the party?

Everyone started drinking boo's. Happy Halloween!

Ur Jokes More Ur Jokes

Why y'all checkin' me?

Ur the ones with a pot leaf on your flag!!"

How do I know ur not a cop?

If I was a cop would I do this " *Starts break dancing* That's not as much proof as you think it is

10yo Jokes More 10yo Jokes

What would u do if u won the lotto?

10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u. 11yo: I'd buy a monkey. Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.

What's a VCR?

My 10yo instantly making me feel like the oldest person who has ever lived. I need calcium chews for my brittle bones.

Wii U Jokes More Wii U Jokes

What video game system do police officers play in their cars?

Wii U, Wii U, Wii U...

What's a policeman's favorite gaming console?

Wii-U, Wii-U, Wii-U!

Carry Jokes More Carry Jokes

How do you get a Mexican across the border using only math?

Carry the Juan

What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

Guac Jokes More Guac Jokes

When an avocado and a duck mate, what sound does the offspring make?

Guac!

When ur at chipotle n u ask for guac and they say "its extra is that ok?

if u say its not ok they give it to u for free

Hell Jokes More Hell Jokes

What's worse than a white guy walking into a church andshooting 9 black people?

He let the others get away... I feel I'll be downvoted to hell for this...

Why is it bad for blind people to skydive?

It scares the hell out of the dog

Shop Jokes More Shop Jokes

Where do dock workers like to shop?

Crate and Barrel.

When is the best time to go shopping?

When the stores are open.