U. Jokes

Judge:why did u shoot your wife instead of shootingher lover? Sardar:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

What's the difference between U and I?

What do u call an ethopian with a slice of cheese on his head?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

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What did the douchebag say to the chemist when he dropped his beaker?

U mad scientist?

How do u know if a company that just hired you conducts drug tests?

What is the likelihood it will be a hairtest

How do u find an old man in the dark?

Its not that hard

How does a poor man watch TV?

with binoculars. u know, he has to watch whatever the neighbours are watching.

What do u call a spanish man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

How do u get a pool table to laugh?

tickle its balls.

What do u call two lesbians floating down a river in a canoe?

Fur traders.

Which city u cannot enter?

ELECTRICITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What breaks when u give it to a toddler?

Her hips

What did the DNA say to the RNA?

What are U doing here?

How do u tell the population of a small native village?

throw a bunch of pocket change in the middle of town. How do u tell who is the richest person in that village? Find the person who gathered the most change.

How can u drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

A: Any way you want, concrete floors tend to be very hard to crack.

What does a guy who can predict the lottery numbers 99% of the time have in common with the letters C, D, G, H, J, K, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, and Z?

They're not infallible

Where u going?

M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I've got to do

What kind of turns do letters take?

U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.

Who is it?

Police: Police. Me:What do u want Police: To talk. Me: How many r u Police: 2 Me: Talk to each other.

What do u say?

SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing SON: Oh. Thank you

What's brown and furry on the outside, soft moist and tastes good on the inside, begins with "C" and ends with "T", and has a "U" and an "N" in it?

A coconut.

What do u get when u mix a douche and a tool?

Scottsdale.

Why did your car just spin around in circles?

Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my mind.

Where the hell are u?

ME: Well...u know that shop where u saw that ring you love W: OMG YES M: I'm catching Pokemon near there

What's the difference between U-Haul and Youtube?

People are'nt happy for you when you get loads of hits on your U-Haul.

Why did u jump off that bridge?

My friend did it too "Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u " Yes. I literally just said that

How do u kno the deceased?

I was his drug dealer. "Louder for the tape " leans in I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

Why did u shoot ur wife ?

Judge:why did u shoot ur wife instead of shootingher lover Methew:Your honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

What happened out there?

I dont kn-OMG WHAT IS THAT *interviewer doesnt look* Ugh didnt work on u either

How would u like that prepared?

ME: um medium well W: very good Me: oh god what have I just done

What's the best thing about dating a homeless woman?

When ur done, u can drop her off anywhere.

Why does America spell some words differently?

They said "We can do it without u, Britain."

What happens when u ask a fake logic fan... What is your favorite logic album?

Their response Flexicution

What'd u ask Santa for 6: a speed boat M: like a Lego boat?

6: no M: oh for the bath 6: no M: the pool 6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

What happens when U change position too fast?

You get an unpleasant vowel movement.

How can U make a difference?

Good Mourning! *(this pun is baaad and I feel terrible about it)*

How do you spell "we" with two letters without using the letters W and E?

U and I.

How do U know it's the wrong hole?

No one has done this before, it's just us two you know

Why Arent You Taking Me With You To Bangkok?

Husband: Because Nobody Carries A Tiffin To A Restaurant. "If U Didn't Get It Go Watch Pogo":p

What would u do if u won the lotto?

10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u. 11yo: I'd buy a monkey. Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.

What's the thing u don't tell a vampire?

Bite me.

How many women have u slept with?

Husband: Only you, Honey. With everyone else, I was awake.

Where were u on the night of the 3rd?

Stabbing a homeless man. "Louder for the tape " Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.

What do u give a woman who has everything?

Penacilin

What do u call a mexican in the back of a cop car?

Pork and beans

What u doing?

Math, it's due Friday" *I slowly crumple the paper and put it in my mouth* They'll never believe u

What do u call a black abortion?

crime control

This joke may have profanity.

What did carbon yell at gold while trying to get his attention?

A! U!!! If it doesn't make sense tell it so someone out loud. Pretty sure this is my first original joke :)

How the rap feud started Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b'day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie Biggieeavesdropping: wipes tears

What do u call a lesbian with 9in fingers?

Well hung.

What u call a black woman with 7 abortions?

Crimefighter

What is dark and hairy on the outside, soft and moist on the inside, starts with a C, ends with a T, and has a U and an N in it?

A coconut

When ur at chipotle n u ask for guac and they say "its extra is that ok?

if u say its not ok they give it to u for free

What is hairy on the outside, wet and fleshy on the inside, begins with C and ends with T, and has both a U and a N in it?

Coconut

Who'd win if Batman fought Santa?

Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.

What did u do last night?

Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey Don't u mean sorrows Me covering tub of dead birds: is that the saying

What do u call an anorexic women with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese.

What is the creepiest letter of the alphabet?

V. Because no matter where you are, any time of any day, no matter what you do, V always follows U.

What do u call a Jamaican proctologist?

Poke'mon

What would gold say if it could talk?

A-U" :

Why can't I have coffee?

Me: It'll make u even more energetic than u already are 7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

What u doing later?

Wife: That's not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

What starts with a 'C', contains the letters U, N, and T, is hairy on the outside, and soft on the inside?

A coconut!

What's furry on the outside.. Wet on the inside.. Starts with a C... Ends with a T... And has U &amp N in-between?

A coconut!

What position do u play?

ME: I'm a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.

What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you're calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

Where were u on the nite of the 5th?

Stabbing a guy. "Louder for the tape." leans in Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

What do u do when your sitting in the dark and your TV starts to float?

You turn on the lights and shoot the black guy stealing it.

What do u call a Mexican who survives a shootout and lives to tell the tale?

The Juan who lived.

Where was I conceived, dad?

Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas. -Rly Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset

What u call 10 black people in the back of a truck?

A good days hunting.

What do u call 1,000 black people on a plane back to Africa?

A good start.

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Console Jokes More Console Jokes

What console did Nintendo make for special ed kids?

The Nintendo Wii-Tard

Why are stormtroopers so bad at aiming?

Because they're playing on console.

Energy Jokes More Energy Jokes

Why isn't energy made of atoms?

It doesn't matter (go ahead and down vote :P)

Why does the Pope always win at chess?

He has so many Bishops!

Know Jokes More Know Jokes

Me: I don't know Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house? Me: The red guy Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house? Me: The blue guy Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house? Me: The yellow guy Her: Who lives in the white house? Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out: The black guy!!