Million Jokes

What do you call someone who promises change but ends up burning millions of undesirables?

Sean Murray and PS4 users

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Why did Adele cross the road?

To say Hello from the other side. I called you a million times.

How do you walk out of a Casino with $1 Million?

Walk in with $2 Million.

What did Star Trek teach millions of kids?

To boldly split infinitives!

How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night?

Take away their beds...

What has a million legs but can't walk?

Jerry's Kids.

What's a holocaust?

And I reply "Oh, about eleven million"

What did the American Army General say after the first opposing casualty in the Mexican-American War?

Juan down, a million more to go.

How many zeros in one million?

Six" "Ok, thanks" *writes milli000000n*

What if it all goes wrong and they clone millions of John Lennons?

Imagine all the people..

How do you unite both the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland?

By sending in millions of Muslims

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What's the best campsite in the world?

Auschwitz, received well over three million starts

What has a million and one legs but still can't walk?

Jerry's kids.

How many reps would you usually do?

he asked. "A million," I rep lied.

What's the difference between a sperm and a racist?

A sperm as a 1 in a million chance of actually becoming a human being.

Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?

Old habits die hard

What will you do with a million watermelons?

I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money."

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program

the rest of them will write Perl

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Egg Jokes More Egg Jokes

Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road anymore?

A: Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)

What did the sperm say to the egg?

Nice to meet you. Wanna make a baby?

End Jokes More End Jokes

What does one strawberry say to the other?

Well, if you hadn't been so fresh last night, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam!"

What does a gamer call the zombie apocalypse?

The end of DayZ

Ask Jokes More Ask Jokes

When I get a prescription for drugs, I don't ask, Will it work?

Are there any side effects ' No, it's Can I drink with these '

What did the racist ask Santa for?

A white Christmas.

Little Boy Jokes More Little Boy Jokes

How do you turn a little boy into a little girl?

With a small loan of a million dollars.

What do miss Frizzle and the catholic church have in common?

They've both been in little boys.

Cross Jokes More Cross Jokes

What do you get when you cross a pig and a Christmas tree?

a porcupine

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovah's Witness?

Someone knocking at your door for no apparent reason.

Pile Jokes More Pile Jokes

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell

How can you tell if your wife left you?

You get laid the same amount of times but the dishes start to pile up. Hey now!

Casino Jokes More Casino Jokes

What'd you do this weekend?

I was shooting craps. "Oh you went to a casino " *flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

Why don't casinos in Las Vegas hire girls from California?

Because they, like, can't even deal.

Burn Jokes More Burn Jokes

What did God say when he made the first black man?

Damn, I burnt one."

What do call a white guy in a burning building?

Fire cracker