Million Jokes

What do you call someone who promises change but ends up burning millions of undesirables?

Sean Murray and PS4 users

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Why did Adele cross the road?

To say Hello from the other side. I called you a million times.

How do you walk out of a Casino with $1 Million?

Walk in with $2 Million.

What did Star Trek teach millions of kids?

To boldly split infinitives!

How do you stop millions of children from going to bed hungry every night?

Take away their beds...

What has a million legs but can't walk?

Jerry's Kids.

What's a holocaust?

And I reply "Oh, about eleven million"

What did the American Army General say after the first opposing casualty in the Mexican-American War?

Juan down, a million more to go.

How many zeros in one million?

Six" "Ok, thanks" *writes milli000000n*

What if it all goes wrong and they clone millions of John Lennons?

Imagine all the people..

How do you unite both the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland?

By sending in millions of Muslims

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What's the best campsite in the world?

Auschwitz, received well over three million starts

What has a million and one legs but still can't walk?

Jerry's kids.

How many reps would you usually do?

he asked. "A million," I rep lied.

What's the difference between a sperm and a racist?

A sperm as a 1 in a million chance of actually becoming a human being.

Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?

Old habits die hard

What will you do with a million watermelons?

I don't want the watermelons, I just want the money."

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program

the rest of them will write Perl

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Rest Jokes More Rest Jokes

What do I do when my luggage gets tired?

I rest my case.

Why did the chicken cross the road to get to the other side?

ah wait, i can't remember the rest :/

Perl Jokes More Perl Jokes

What's the I.T. guy's favorite pokemon game?

It's a toss up between ruby and perl.

If you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program

the rest of them will write Perl

Million Year Jokes More Million Year Jokes

What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny God: Just a second.

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but it takes eight million years.

God Jokes More God Jokes

What does God smell like?

Me: 4-year-old: Me: Nachos. 4-year-old: With cheese

How did God get Mary pregnant?

He used the holy immaculate contraception

Small Loan Jokes More Small Loan Jokes

How does a racist joke start?

A small loan of a million dollars.

How do you turn a little boy into a little girl?

With a small loan of a million dollars.

Stop Jokes More Stop Jokes

How do you stop a North Korean tank?

Shoot the guy driving the cardboard box.

How'd you get that cut above your eye?

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"

2 Million Jokes More 2 Million Jokes

How much does 1 drop of gas cost me?

The boy stumbles: "Well euhm ... nothing I guess." "Thanks, I'll have 2 million drops then"

How does a musician make a million dollars?

They start with 2 million.

Little Boy Jokes More Little Boy Jokes

How did the little boy save the catholic priest's life?

He found a lump on his testicle.

What did the little boy with cancer get for Christmas?

AIDS