God Jokes

What song do turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?

God save the kin Happy Thanksgiving!

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What do bostonians call dogs that protect heaven's gates?

God dogs

What's the difference between a doctor and God?

God doesn't walk around thinking he's a doctor.

Why do neurologists think they're God?

Because they can turn any animal into a vegetable!

What do you call the god of cheese?

Cheesus

Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

What did God say to the alcoholic spelling bee judge?

Define intervention." Came up with this today at work.

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Eve, but couldn't find them. God saw Adam and asked where Eve was? Adam replied, "She's down at the Ocean, taking a bath." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell."

What do Spanish Muslims call their God?

Ollah!

What did God say to Mary after impregnating her?

Praise the Load

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How do you start to politely tell someone that their God isn't in the stars?

Well... If it's any constellation..."

Why did God give women legs?

Because he saw the mess that snails left behind!

What does the son of God do when he is the victim of medical malpractice?

Jesus

What do you call it when an eclipse occurs?

When God forgets to pay the electricity bill.

What did the ancient Egyptian cheerleader chant?

THERE IS ONE GOD, HE IS THE SUN GOD! RA! RA! RA!"

Why was Jesus not Mexican?

No matter how hard God looked, he could not find three wise men or a virgin anywhere in Mexico

What's the atheist's view on God?

Nahweh.

Why doesn't God like pizza?

Because he doesn't exist.

What do you call it when you talk to God?

Praying. Now what do you call it when God talks to you? Schizophrenia, it's called schizophrenia.

What did the Roman say when the Greek accused him of stealing his gods?

It was all a myth-take!

What us the difference between white, brown and black people?

The time God took to cook us

Why couldn't Cain make God love him?

Because he wasn't

What pets think about their owners?

A dog: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... He is God. A cat: He feeds me, takes care about me, gives me shelter... I am God.

Why wasn't the son of God worried when Microsoft Word crashed while he was writing his term paper?

Because Jesus saves.

What's the mating call of a sorority girl?

O My GOd! I am so drunk.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God?

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Why doesn't God like fruitcake?

Because he doesn't exist.

What console does god use?

Praystation

What do we say to the god of procrastination?

Not today.

Why did religion cross the road?

God is the answer.

Why doesn't God want to argue with Satan?

Because Satan has more politicians to help him.

How is marriage and CPR training the same?

You get a certificate for showing you can do it and hope to god you never have to do it again

What is so ironic about Atheists?

A: they're always talking about God.

Why did God bless Texas?

He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris.

Why doesn't god like bacon?

Because he isn't real.

What does God do whenever he gets frustrated with Jesus?

He gets out the Bible Belt!

What kind of car does god drive?

A Christler

Why is Snow White?

Because it's perfect, just the way God made it.

What did the sun god say in apology for all he had done wrong?

I Apollogize".

Why wasn't Jesus born in Detroit?

Because God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

Why did Jimmy get into a horrific car accident?

He let God take the wheel Edit: He let take the wheel

What did Joan Rivers say to God when she arrived?

Get a new robe!

What's the difference between a surgeon and God?

God knows he's not a surgeon.

What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?

Pretzalcoatl

How does god receive prayers?

knee-mail

Why did god invent patchouli?

So blind people can hate hippies too.

How do we know God is not a woman?

Because the Earth is not a sandwich!

What's the difference between a statesman and a politician?

A statesman is a dead politician. God knows we need more statesman.

What did the god of lightning say after working out for the first time?

I'm Thor

What does the H. in Jesus H. Christ stand for?

Hallmark. God cares enough to send the very best.

Why was the nun hooked up to an IV of holy water?

She was taking god's name in vein.

Why does Martin Luther King like jam?

Because God bless America

How many Atheists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to actually do it, the other to film it so fundamentalists won't claim that God did it.

Who was Michael Jackson?

Son: Dad, is God man or a woman? Dad: His both, son. Son: Dad, is God black or white? Dad: His both, son. Son: Dad, is God good or bad? Dad: His both, son. Son: Dad, is God - Michael Jackson?

Why does Saturn have rings?

God really liked it so he put rings on it.

What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed?

God bless America.

What do you call a bone that disrespects God?

A Blasfemur

How is God just like every other man?

If you're not on your knees, he's not interested.

How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!

Why don't you ask Joseph, the carpenter?

God: Uh huge grin cos I'm banging his wife raises hand up top

What did God say when he made the first black man?

Damn, I burnt one."

What did God say when he saw the first black person?

Ooops, I burnt one!

Who has more money than God?

His Ex-Wife.

Who would won in a wrestling match?

Lemmy or God? Trick question, lemmy is god... R.I.P. Edit* win not won damnit...

What did I do before Twitter?

Well, there's my family and......OH MY GOD WHERE'S MY FAMILY ! !

Why did God invent shopping carts?

To teach women how to walk on their hind legs.

What do you think about the coming battle General?

God knows it will be lost. - Then why should we go for it - To find out who is the loser.

What did God say after she made Eve?

Practice makes perfect."

What Is The Best Sub Reddit To See Once Watching "Gods Of Egypt?

r/EyeBleach.

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape so Christians can't claim God did it.

What does Clint Eastwood say to God every morning?

Go Ahead Make My Day"

Why There is No Readhead in Hell ?

God does not punish twice.

What are the three biggest lies an Oklahoma State fan tells?

I WON this belt buckle, I OWN that truck, and I swear to God I was just helping that sheep over the fence.

What's the same with 9/11 and Goliath and the giant?

They were both caused by a message from god.

Why does God like Swiss cheese?

It's holey! get it

What's that machine for?

Oh, that's the forklift" ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS

What is the difference between someone who worships God &amp someone who worships the sun?

The sun exists.

How do you make God laugh?

Tell him your plans.

What do you call a god who lacks self-confidence?

An atheist. He doesn't really believe in himself.

What do you do when you want to golf in a thunderstorm?

Hold up a 1 Iron. Not even God can hit a 1 iron.

What'd you call this again?

Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

What will men do for pleasure at that time?

God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.

Why did you make women so beautiful?

God:"So you would love her." Man:"Then why did you make her so dumb " God:"So she would love you."

How do we know that God isn't a woman?

Because we're not all sandwiches

Why did God make farts smell?

So that deaf people could enjoy them too.

Why does God love atheists?

Because they don't bother Him with incessant prayer.

How did the wasps take that news?

God: Err...

Why don't we say Grace?

Me: I don't know. 5-year-old: Me: 5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry

Why did God make women last?

He didn't want someone telling him what to do

How did God make Himself?

I have to remember to start getting high before bedtime.

What do you get when you cross dancing and an act of god?

Deus Ex Macarena

What does a Muslim have if they hate their god?

An Allahgy

How do we know God likes condoms?

Because Adam was ribbed for Eve's pleasure

What is the difference between God and my love life?

Some people think God is real.

What's the difference between God and an electrician?

A: God doesn't think **he's** an electrician.

How is God just like a regular man?

If you're not on your knees, he's not interested and you know what they say, abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers.

How to make your God proud?

By abusing his names in other languages.

Why did God put the ring on Saturn?

Because he liked it.

What do you call God in StarWars?

A Skywalker

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