Peanut Jokes

What do you call a peanut in a spacesuit?

An astronut.

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Why did the circus animals go on strike?

The elephants found out that they were being paid peanuts compared to the rest of the troupe and the ringleader was taking the lions share.

What do you get when you cross peanuts and almonds?

Deez Nutz

Why are elephants so poor?

Because they work for peanuts

What did the elephant say to the man?

Cute, but how do you pick up peanuts with it?

What did the elephant say to the naked guy?

That thing sure is cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

What do you call peanuts in space?

Astronuts!

Why is the peanut crying?

Because he couldn't handle his roast

Why did the peanut go to jail?

He was a-roasted peanut.

What kind of peanuts get warts?

Planters.

Why was the peanut rushed to the hospital?

He was a"salted"

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Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War?

Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!

Why do you have rashes every time you get your salary?

Employee: I am allergic to peanuts.

What did the pea say to the peanut?

At least you got one nut, I don't see what you're crying about.

What do you call a peanut with a cold?

Cashew! she was so proud of herself for making me laugh with this one.

What did the peanut say to his wife before he left?

I'll be back in a jiffy

What do you call a nut on a wall?

A walnut! What do you call a nut at the beach A beech nut! What do you call a nut in the toilet A peanut!!

How do you say the word "peanuts" without the letter "t"?

Think about it.

Why was the peanut so salty?

Because it got R O A S T E D

What do you mean, Johnny?

Is it shaped like a peanut " "No," says Johnny. "It's salty"

Why are Gorillas underpaid?

They're willing to work peanuts!

What did people call the Nutty Professor before he became a professor?

Mr. Peanut

What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

Why do elephants prefer peanuts to caviar?

Because they're easier to get at the ballpark.

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How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it?

Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

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How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't change it, they just take forever to find where to fit the batteries

Where will you never find a hipster fish?

The mainstream

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What is a time travelling vacuum cleaner called?

Dr Whoover

What time of day are you not able to find your watch?

4:04

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Why was the girl stuck in the revolving door for two weeks?

cuz she couldn't find the door handle

Why was Pinocchio acting drunk?

He couldn't handle his lacquer

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What do a hurricane and a divorce in Virginia have in common?

Screaming, crying, and somebody loses a trailer!

What were you before you came to school boys and girls?

asked the teacher hoping that someone would say "babies." She was disappointed when all the children cried out "Happy!"

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What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he leaves for work in the evening?

Have a nice bite!

How can you tell a mortician is a necrophiliac?

He's always HARD at work.

Roast Jokes More Roast Jokes

What did Santa say when he had to travel through the desert?

My chestnuts are roasting"

Why shouldn't you put a baby in the microwave?

Because you get better results from slowly roasting it in the oven.

Almond Jokes More Almond Jokes

Why is it called an "almond" in the tree but an "amond" when it falls to the ground?

When it falls to the ground, it knocks the 'ell out of it.

What happens when almonds die?

Diamond