Nurse Jokes

What the difference between a nun in a bathtub & a nurse in the bathtub?

One has soul full of hope & one has a hole full of soap... I'll walk myself out, sorry first post here

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Why did the tractor trailer mechanic always have half an erection?

Because he was constantly nursing a semi.

What is a nurse in the maternity ward's favorite kind of food?

Delivery.

What do Hillary supporters call their room mate?

Nurse.

Why can't an IT guy be a doctor?

Nurse: Doctor, the patient's life support is acting strange. . . Doctor: Have you tried turning it off and on again?

How can you tell which nurse is the head nurse?

She's the one with dirty knees.

What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?

The Head Nurse.

Why do the nurses give the old men in retirement homes Viagra?

To keep them from rolling out of bed

This joke may have profanity.

What do you call a nurse with flat knees?

The "head" nurse.

Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart* Nurse: Awwww that is so cute! Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?

Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.

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What's this bit here?

NURSE: ...his heart ME: Hm. NURSE: Your resume said you were a surgeon ME: My resume says a lot of things

What did the emu say to the nurse?

A: Mend her bones or walk the plank

What do you call 5 doctors and nurses on a ship?

A: A decade Ba dum tish.

What's better than a paradox?

A pair of nurses

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

How can you tell which nurse is the head nurse at a hospital?

She's the one with the dirty knees.

Why did the nurse keep the bedpan in the refrigerator?

Because when she kept it in the freezer it took too much skin off.

What did the nurse who knocked on the pregnant lady's door say?

Womb Service!

What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital?

When you ask the patients "what's the problem " They'll say "nothing"

What is similar between students with mental health issues and nurses giving vaccinations?

They both tend to shoot up schools.

What are we waiting for?

the doctor asks. "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."

Why didn't the little girl want to leave nursery school?

A: She wanted to be a nurse.

What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?

A nun only serves one God.

What did the starving, homeless couple say to the nurse outside the abortion clinic?

Fetus please.

This joke may have profanity.

What did the nurse say to John Cena?

A: ICU.

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Turn Jokes More Turn Jokes

How many boxers does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They're used to having their lights knocked out.That joke turned dark fast. I'll see myself to my respective corner.

Why do they call it the Xbox360?

Because when you see it, you turn 360 degrees and walk away.

Doctor Jokes More Doctor Jokes

Why did the shark go to the doctors?

Because he didn't feel very whale

Why do doctors slap babies bums when then are born?

Because the balls fall off of the stupid ones.

Hospital Jokes More Hospital Jokes

Who is the coolest person in the hospital?

The ultrasound man.

How do crabs leave the hospital?

On crotches...

Resume Jokes More Resume Jokes

How am I not qualified?

Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo "It's a cat actually"

What is the prettiest thing about a DC girl?

Her resume.

Delivery Jokes More Delivery Jokes

Why did the family not laugh at the Obstetrician's joke?

Because he screwed up the delivery...

What makes a USPS joke funny?

The delivery.

Thing Jokes More Thing Jokes

How do cats buy things?

A: From a cat-alogue!

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

Nun Jokes More Nun Jokes

What is a good way to describe a tailor that refuses to make clothing for nuns?

Non-habit forming

What do you call a store that sells terribly made Nun appeal?

The Bad Habit.

Walk Jokes More Walk Jokes

What's the hardest part about walking through a field of dead babies?

My erection.

What's it called when Jesus walks across the street?

A cross walk