Replace Jokes

What is atheism?

A non-prophet religion Edit: Replace the word "religion" with "set of beliefs" if you're picky about that sort of thing

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

Why was the mechanic sad he had to replace a wheel bearing?

It was da-press-in.

What happened to the guy who replaced his laxatives with Prozac?

He didn't give a sh...

What did the bird say when he flew over K-Mart?

Caw Caw why'd my natural habitat get replaced with 165 000 square feet of consumerist wasteland lol

How many Mexicans does it take to replace a serviceable part of a complex machine?

Just Juan and Emmanuel.

How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. The light bulb you remove and the light bulb you replace it with.

How many feminists do you need to replace a lightbulb?

Only 1, she'll hold the bulb in place and wait while the world revolves around her.

What's really important to a bat when they are looking for a new home?

Echo-location, location, location (Replace "bat" with "zubat" if you wish.)

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Once the bulb goes out, they replace the house.

How do you always keep your shoes tied?

Replace the laces with earphones.

What did the tv get for Christmas?

Replaced

Couple's Daily Question Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

How many white people does it take to replace a light bulb?

One to hold the bulb, and the rest to screw the whole world.

How do you keep a ghoul from biting his nails?

A: Replace the nails with screws.

How many Asian-American actors does it take to change a light bulb?

None - because they would all be replaced by white actors.

How many Mexicans does it take to replace a light bulb?

Juan

What did the Imam say after he was replaced by immigrants?

They took my hijab!

How many mexicans does it take to replace a lightbulb?

Juan.

Why doesn't Jesus like M&amp?

Ms? They keep falling through. If that's not offensive enough, replace it with black Jesus and skittles.

How about an office party?

ME: crosses out "replace coworkers with puppies" I guess

What replaces Steam, the gaming platform, in China?

Pollution.

Why won't people know when you replace words with instruments?

Idk, accordion to research I guess.

What is Samsung PR team's Christmas jingle you ask?

The phone we gave you is frightful, But the fire is so delightful ; And since we have no replace to go, Let it blow! Let it blow! Let it blow!

What do you call 1,000 liberals at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start! **an old joke that my dad used to tell at every party. You could replace "liberals" with pretty much anything.

What's the problem with your marriage?

WIFE: He replaces words with animal names just to annoy me ME: I don't do it on porpoise

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Once the bulb goes out, they replace the house.

How many Asian-American actors does it take to change a light bulb?

None - because they would all be replaced by white actors.

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Hospital Jokes More Hospital Jokes

What do you get when you cross a poisonous snake with a horse?

A: I dunno, but if it bites you, you can ride it to the hospital!

What is a stalkers favorite part of a hospital?

the I see you.

Word Jokes More Word Jokes

What is another word for Pokemon?

A Rastafarian Proctologist

Do you know what the word 'was' was initially?

Before was was was was was is.

Belief Jokes More Belief Jokes

What's the difference between feminism and Islam?

One is demonized by the actions and beliefs of a small minority. The other believes in the wage gap myth.

What do you call the belief that one kind of shoe is better than another?

Shoepremacy.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who's the most popular guy in the hospital?

The Ultra Sound guy. Who is it when he's not there? The Hip Replacement guy.

Need Jokes More Need Jokes

What did the depressed dolphin say?

I need a porpoise.

What's the difference between a man and a woman?

A woman wants a man who can satisfy all her needs. A man wants all women who can satisfy his needs.

Bird Jokes More Bird Jokes

What's a robin?

Fred: A bird that steals ma'am.

What do you call a bird born in the 90s?

A millennial falcon.

Feminist Jokes More Feminist Jokes

Why did the feminist get triggered?

The police found it easier than arresting her.

What is the difference between a feminist and a walrus?

A walrus has at least two valid points.

Bulb Jokes More Bulb Jokes

How many feminists does to take to screw in a lightbulb?

Only one. She stands with the bulb and the world revolves around her.

How many native Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

About seven. One to change the bulb, six to sing the song.