Chuck Norris Jokes

How does Chuck Norris go fishing?

You, you and you. Get out."

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Who would win in a fight between John Cena and Chuck Norris?

Depends on who wrote the script.

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them.

Why did God bless Texas?

He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris.

How did Chuck Norris solve the dwindling oil reserves problem?

Ctrl - C, Ctrl - V

Why is Chuck Norris still alive?

Credit: Saw the comment in this 1:55

How do you stop an F4 tornado from destroying a town?

A roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris! However, this method will cause more destruction than the tornado.

What is Chuck Norris' only weakness?

Cancer

How many Chuck Norris' does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, no light bulb dare go out in the presence of Chuck Norris.

What were the Virgin Islands called, after Chuck Norris visited them?

The Islands

How can you tell if Chuck Norris ate rabbits the night before?

He has claw marks on his forehead.

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What is your secret weapon against terrorists?

We simply reply......Chuck Norris

How much wood can Chuck Norris if Chuck Norris could chuck wood?

Chuck Norris would just stare at the wood, and it would chuck itself out of fear.

Why does Mona Lisa smiling?

The Mona Lisa is smiling because Chuck Norris let her live.

How much Norris?

Tongue twister) How much Norris could Chuck Norris chuck, if Chuck Norris could chuck Norris

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Just one. From Chuck Norris.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?

All of it.

How much wood... ...could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was Chuck Norris?

All of it.*

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

My Favorite, When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Who has more testicles?

contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Why do all Pirates wear eye patches?

Chuck Norris.

What is Chuck Norris' "best karate move"?

Pork Chop!

What is the irrational fear of Chuck Norris otherwise known as?

A completely rational fear.

Why are there no Chuck Norris knock-knock jokes?

Because Chuck only has to hit the door ONCE.

What kind of house does Chuck Norris live in?

A roundhouse.

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Destroy Jokes More Destroy Jokes

Why did you destroy that urinal cake?

Peer pressure

How Do You Start a Flood?

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean. The attorney said, Im here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything. "Thats quite a coincidence," said the engineer. Im here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood and my insurance company also paid for everything. The puzzled attorney asked, How do you start a flood?

Miss Jokes More Miss Jokes

What do you call a cow that's missing a leg?

A 3 legged cow

Why can't a storm trooper get a girl pregnant?

Because they always miss their target!

Depend Jokes More Depend Jokes

What does it taste like to go down on a little old lady?

Depends

How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

Depends what you want it to change into...

Cause Jokes More Cause Jokes

What did one ovary say to the other one?

What did one ovary say to the other one? "Did you order any furniture?" "No. Why?" asked the other. "Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ."

What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?

Get off my nuts!" (ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)

Screw Jokes More Screw Jokes

How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Six. One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

How many Vietnam vets does it take the screw in a light bulb?

THAT'S RIGHT!!! YOU DON'T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!

Fish Jokes More Fish Jokes

What do you call a fish that likes to cook?

Bobby Fillet

Which fish can perform operations ?

A Sturgeon !

God Jokes More God Jokes

Why wasn't Jesus born in Detroit?

Because God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

Why are gifts in airports so expensive?

God's punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.

Alexander Graham Bell Jokes More Alexander Graham Bell Jokes

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

My Favorite, When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

Why did Alexander Graham Bell never receive a nobel prize?

Because it's a "no bell" prize.