Help Jokes

What do you call the international program that helps clowns with their personal space problems?

Clowns Without Borders.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser's floating fortress?

Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

Why did the dyslexic escapologist join the International Socialists?

A. because he wanted to help untie the human race.

Why couldn't anyone help the tortilla?

He didn't want to taco 'bout it

What is the deadliest bear?

Seriously... I don't know the punchline to this, help me out.

Why did the Islamic woman die when she fell into the ocean?

She thought to yell for help, but her husband was nowhere around to grant her permission to do so.

What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?

I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

How many idiots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Trick question. Idiots can't screw in lightbulbs regardless of help from other idiots.

What'd you do?

PERSON: Ran a half-marathon and helped my pal move. You ME: I talked to like 4 people.

Which former pop star would be most likely to help deliver a baby?

Paula Ab-doula

What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed?

Me neither. Help.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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What's your answer?

whispers into microphone* Please help me, I don't even know these people

What's the difference between a Thai man and a Thai woman?

Pls help.

How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?

BART: I don't know where my hair starts

How do you know it was an Irishman?

because I had to help him....."

Why does the Coast Guard have ultraviolet lights?

To help them find missing sea men.

Why did the TSA hire a dentist?

to help with the cavity searches

What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a school ?

The deputy head !

How do you get a dozen eggs out of a washing machine in less than a minute?

i'm serious... help.

When someone asks, "How are you?

I say, "5-7-8-3" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it.

What's the difference between a good friend and a really good friend?

A good friend will help you move house A really good friend will help you move a body!

What helps humans get laid but is deadly for fish?

Pick up lines

Why didn't Cathy keep the extra dollar of change at Chick-fil-a?

Because Cathy can't help being Truett-ful

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just two. One to politely ask and the other to politely help.

How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

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What is a banged-up used car?

A car in first-crash condition.

What does a desperate Mexican do?

Bangs his head against the wall.

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What's the difference between a chick pea and a potato?

You would pay to have a potato on you...

What's the difference between a chick pea and a garbanzo bean?

I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face..... :D eh. Eh.?

Knead Jokes More Knead Jokes

Why can't random men check random women's breasts for cancel?

Because that sort of information is on a knead to know basis.

Why are pizza makers always poor?

Because they knead dough to make a living.

Little Boy Jokes More Little Boy Jokes

What did the little boy with cancer get for Christmas?

AIDS

How did the little boy save the catholic priest's life?

He found a lump on his testicle.

Animal Jokes More Animal Jokes

Where do animals go when they lose their tails?

The retail store!

What animals talk on the telephone the most?

The yakety-yaks!

Little Black Kid Jokes More Little Black Kid Jokes

What did the little black kid say when he had diarrhea?

Daddy help I'm melting!"

What did the little black kid think when he got diarrhea?

He was melting

Fonz Jokes More Fonz Jokes

What type of battery does The Fonz use?

AAAA

What is "The Fonz's" favorite breakfast?

Eeeeeeeeeeggs

Diarrhea Jokes More Diarrhea Jokes

What do you call a fish with diarrhea?

A Pooper Grouper!!!!!

What's the difference between driving a car on an empty tank of gas and having diarrhea?

One you're running on fumes, the other you're fuming with the runs.