Help Jokes

What do you call the international program that helps clowns with their personal space problems?

Clowns Without Borders.

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How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser's floating fortress?

Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

Why did the dyslexic escapologist join the International Socialists?

A. because he wanted to help untie the human race.

Why couldn't anyone help the tortilla?

He didn't want to taco 'bout it

What is the deadliest bear?

Seriously... I don't know the punchline to this, help me out.

Why did the Islamic woman die when she fell into the ocean?

She thought to yell for help, but her husband was nowhere around to grant her permission to do so.

What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?

I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

How many idiots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Trick question. Idiots can't screw in lightbulbs regardless of help from other idiots.

What'd you do?

PERSON: Ran a half-marathon and helped my pal move. You ME: I talked to like 4 people.

Which former pop star would be most likely to help deliver a baby?

Paula Ab-doula

What's red like a strawberry, hard like beef jerky, smells like vinegar, and is found under your bed?

Me neither. Help.

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What's your answer?

whispers into microphone* Please help me, I don't even know these people

What's the difference between a Thai man and a Thai woman?

Pls help.

How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?

BART: I don't know where my hair starts

How do you know it was an Irishman?

because I had to help him....."

Why does the Coast Guard have ultraviolet lights?

To help them find missing sea men.

Why did the TSA hire a dentist?

to help with the cavity searches

What do you call a cowboy who helps out in a school ?

The deputy head !

How do you get a dozen eggs out of a washing machine in less than a minute?

i'm serious... help.

When someone asks, "How are you?

I say, "5-7-8-3" because they don't care how I am & saying my ATM Code out loud helps me memorize it.

What's the difference between a good friend and a really good friend?

A good friend will help you move house A really good friend will help you move a body!

What helps humans get laid but is deadly for fish?

Pick up lines

Why didn't Cathy keep the extra dollar of change at Chick-fil-a?

Because Cathy can't help being Truett-ful

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just two. One to politely ask and the other to politely help.

How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

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Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What is the difference between a baby and a alarm clock?

You only have to hit the alarm clock once to make it be quiet...

What is the difference between a Ritz and a lesbian?

A Ritz is a snack cracker and a lesbian is a crack snacker

Somebody Jokes More Somebody Jokes

What do you call it when you meet somebody in a bathroom at a conference?

Pee-er to pee-er networking (P2P).

What do you call somebody with no body and just a nose?

Nobody knows!

Need Jokes More Need Jokes

When do you REALLY know you need to break up with you GF?

When she starts winning arguments with you inner-voice.

Why did the doctor go the furniture store?

Because he needed a stool sample.

Dollar Bill Jokes More Dollar Bill Jokes

What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?

A hundred dollar bill.

How many cashiers does it take to change a light bulb?

Are you kidding They won't even change a five dollar bill."

Little Boy Jokes More Little Boy Jokes

Why did the little boy drop his icecream?

Because he got hit by a car

What do miss Frizzle and the catholic church have in common?

They've both been in little boys.

Little Black Kid Jokes More Little Black Kid Jokes

Why was the little black kid with diarrhea crying?

Because he thought he was melting.

What did the little black kid get on his SAT's?

Barbecue sauce.

Diarrhea Jokes More Diarrhea Jokes

What do DNA and Diarrhea have in common?

They both run in your jeans (genes)

What did the Jihadist say when he had explosive Diarrhea?

ALLAHPOO AKBAR!

Man Jokes More Man Jokes

Why are blond jokes so short?

So men can remember them.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?

The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.