Hammer Jokes

What did the tool box say to the hammer?

Toolsie!

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

How can you tell the difference between a catholic, a baptist, and a Methodist?

A baptist will run into a liquor store, buy their alcohol and run out. A Methodist will walk into a liquor store and say high to everyone, then buy their alcohol and walk out. A catholic will show up to the store completely hammered, hug everyone, get their alcohol and stumble their way out of the store.

How did the handyman feel after going to the bar?

He was hammered.

What's grey and bad for your teeth?

A hammer.

What do nails like to do on the weekend?

Get hammered.

What did the fireman say when he noticed his hammer was on fire?

This is not a drill.

What's the difference between the IRS and a baby?

It takes a lot more than a hammer to make the IRS shut up.

Why did jesus take 3 days to resurrect?

He got hammered with his buddies.

How do you install "blackout curtains"?

They just get hammered.

Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer?

He wanted her to hit the hay!

Why did the T-Rex get hammered at noon?

Because he's a Wino-saur!

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?

A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.

Why doesn't Thor of the insect world use a hammer?

He's already got a Thor Axe.

What's the difference between a hammer and a mallet?

I don't remember the rest of the joke, but your mother's a whore.

This joke may have profanity.

What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

How did the blind carpenter regain his eyesight?

He picked up his hammer and saw.

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?

The noise gave her a headache.

Why wouldn't the frog lend his hammer to the mushroom?

Because it's a toad's tool.

Why did you hit your birthday cake with a hammer?

Because you said it was pound cake!

Why would you take a hammer to bed?

A: So you could hit the sack.

How many grips does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two: One to hold it one to hammer it in.

What's the difference between your finger and a hammer?

I don't know! Well you're not using my computer keyboard then!

What do you call a communist hip-hop musician?

MC Hammer and Sickle.

Why did the masochist STOP hitting himself on the head with a hammer ?

Because it hurt.

What did the hammer say to the drill?

You're too boring.

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What do people store their fondest memories in?

A nostaljar.

How long did it take the fish to go to the store?

salmon or eight minutes.

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Where does Russia get its water from?

De-stalinization plants

Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia?

Because he was Snowd en! (according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)

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Why do cows need four legs to walk?

Because they lactose. Moo

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?

A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk".

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Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons ?

He wanted Mark Antony !

What's the best thing about having Parkinson's?

Never having to buy another electric toothbrush.

Help Jokes More Help Jokes

What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car?

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU

Whats the last letter in the alphabet?

somebody help plz I need help on kindergarten project

3 Day Jokes More 3 Day Jokes

Why does jesus not play video games?

Everytime he dies he has to wait 3 days to respawn

What did Abraham Lincoln say after recovering from a 3-day drinking binge?

I set* ***who*** *free "*

Jesus Jokes More Jesus Jokes

What do jesus and girls have in common?

The expression on their faces when they got nailed.

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus weighed 4.2 kg?

Cause thay had a weigh in the mangor.

Feel Jokes More Feel Jokes

Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?

Because people kept toasting him!

Why did the cookie visit the doctor?

He was feeling a little crummy.