Texas Jokes

How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb in Texas?

They can't. There's a wall.

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Why is Texas the "Lone Star" state?

It was rated out of five.

What's the difference between Texas and Russia?

One's a disgusting cesspool full of paranoid, bigoted, anti-American sadists, and the other is really cold.

What's the difference between Texas and stupid?

Nothing.

How can you tell if someone is from Texas?

Oh don't worry , they'll tell you

What time is it when a Muslim immigrant brings a clock to school in Texas?

Time to get a new principal.

What gets wet as it dries?

Texas after a drought.

Which art piece won the Texas Muhammad cartoon contest?

Two chalk outlines.

Why did God bless Texas?

He didn't want to upset Chuck Norris.

How do you know if someone's from Texas?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Why has Mexico never won olympic gold?

All those who can run, jump and swim are in Texas.

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Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas?

Because they weren't getting a square meal.

What's a Tennessee tornado and a Texas divorce have in common?

Someone's gonna lose a trailer.

What do you call a C-average student from Texas?

Mr. President

How do you pick up women in Waco, Texas?

With a DustBuster.

Where's the best place to hide a body in texas?

Oops. Wrong subreddit!

When you are driving though the field in Texas, you see a lot of cattle. They are very special. Wanna know why?

They are out standing in the field

What's the secret to a long life?

I said, "Never order vegetarian in Texas"

Why did the Sudanese boy get arrested in Texas?

I'm not exactly sure, but it was about time.

What does a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce have in common?

Either way, someone is losing a trailer.

Where do you go if a twister is about to touchdown in Texas?

The Dallas Cowboy Stadium, a touchdown never happens there!

Why is an Oklahoma divorce like a Texas twister?

Somebody's 'bout to lose a trailer.

What do a UT Austin student and a Texas A&ampM student have in common?

They both applied to UT Austin

What do a Texas tornado and an Oklahoma divorce have in common?

Either way someone's losing a trailer.

Why is it illegal for a person living in Virginia to be buried in Texas?

because they're still alive.

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What was the Tsar of Russia's favorite fish ?

Tsardines !

Who doesn't like Turkey?

Russia.

Jump Jokes More Jump Jokes

What do you say to the guy who just jumped in the septic tank?

Urine over your head!

Why are black people so good at jumping?

As developing children their knee grows.

Chuck Norris Jokes More Chuck Norris Jokes

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them.

How can you tell if Chuck Norris ate rabbits the night before?

He has claw marks on his forehead.

Art Piece Jokes More Art Piece Jokes

Which art piece won the Texas Muhammad cartoon contest?

Two chalk outlines.

How do you know you're in a modern art museum?

If you need to ask if the bench is an art piece.

Stand Jokes More Stand Jokes

What do the Dallas Cowboys and the Rev. Billie Graham have in common?

Both can make 70,000 people stand up and shout "JESUS CHRIST!"

Why do ballet dancers always stand on their toes?

Could they not hire taller dancers

Worry Jokes More Worry Jokes

What is a surgeon's excuse for not wearing a condom?

Don't worry baby, I'm sterile.

How do you know you're talking to a pilot?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

Square Meal Jokes More Square Meal Jokes

Why did they stop feeding cows the round bails of Hay in Texas?

Because they weren't getting a square meal.

Why are round bales of hay illegal?

Because cows can't get a square meal.

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

What did Ray Charles say when his wife told him she wanted a divorce?

I did not see that coming.

How do you keep a idiot waiting?

I'll tell you guys later.