Puppy Jokes

What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose

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What do you call a puppy with autism?

aww-tistic

What did the gold say when it saw the puppy?

Au.

What's the best part about getting a puppy?

Getting new shoes every week.

What's the difference between a puppy and a kernel of corn?

Nothing. They both explode when nuked in the microwave.

Why did Ellen Pao punch the puppy?

Cause shes terrible.

What's the difference between a singer-songwriter and a puppy?

A puppy eventually grows up and stops whining. Thanks to PuddinHead742 for this one.

Where do puppies go when they die?

Back into the microwave so I can get in another round.

What do you call a puppy in the desert?

Anyone else got some fun jokes your kids have told you?

How do you unload a truck load of puppies?

With a pitchfork

What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?

A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.

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How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Do you know yet Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven't done it. Bring more

What did the puppy say when he sat on sand paper?

A: RUFF!

Why is it called a "litter" of puppies ?

Because they mess up the whole house !

What would you call a nine day old dog in Russia?

A puppy.

What's the difference between a surgeon and a puppy?

If you put a puppy in a room by itself for an hour it'll probably stop whining.

What if I see a puppy?

What if my house burns down

What's worse than a puppy nailed to a tree?

A puppy nailed to 7 trees.

How about an office party?

ME: crosses out "replace coworkers with puppies" I guess

What do you call a puppy combined with bread?

Well, It's not a purebread anymore.

How long have you felt like this?

Ever since I was a puppy!

What do you call a puppy with a camera?

A furtographer

What do you call a litter of puppies who've been out in the snow?

Slush Puppies

What did the puppy say when it sat on sandpaper?

Ruff

When she asks "is that your puppy?

say "No. That's my dad." Then storm off.

Why do you love your puppy more than you love your wife?

Because the puppy only knows the tricks you taught her

How do you get a puppy to stay the same size forever?

You stop feeding it.

What do you call someone who molests puppies and kittens?

A Petophile

How did you get those horrible burns?

flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.

Why can't we edit tweets?

Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."

How do you know when you should get a puppy?

When life's getting a little ruff ...I'll see myself out

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Microwave Jokes More Microwave Jokes

What's the difference between a puppy and a kernel of corn?

Nothing. They both explode when nuked in the microwave.

How many kittens can you stuff into a microwave for 15 minutes on defrost...?

SEVEN.

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

What's it called when you apologize using dots and dashes?

Remorse code

What internet provider does Satan use in hell?

Comcast

7 Tree Jokes More 7 Tree Jokes

What is worse than 7 babies nailed to a tree?

One baby nailed to 7 trees:)

What's worse than a puppy nailed to a tree?

A puppy nailed to 7 trees.

Whine Jokes More Whine Jokes

What does the new socialist leader of France mean for the country, Europe, and the world?

Nationalized wine.. Sounds like the right wing will have some whine too.

What do you call a worker in America that will work hard for reasonable pay and never whine?

An immigrant.**

Sea Jokes More Sea Jokes

What do you call 20,000 lawyers under the sea?

A good start.

Why did the dog jump into the sea?

He wanted to chase the catfish!

Surgeon Jokes More Surgeon Jokes

Why did the woman fall in love with the surgeon?

Because he cauterize.

What's the difference between a surgeon and God?

God knows he's not a surgeon.

Thank Jokes More Thank Jokes

What did the cold pipe say to the to hot pipe?

Nothing,pipes can't talk. Thank you

What did Jesus say to Melchior?

Thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

Stop Jokes More Stop Jokes

How is a computer like an air conditioner?

They both stop working properly when you open windows.

Why did Hugh Jackman single handedly stop a Franciscan botanist from accidentally dropping a match in the forest?

Because only Hugh can prevent florist friars.