Yesterday Jokes

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

They weren't born yesterday.

This joke may have profanity.

What happened on Reddit yesterday?

A pao-erful change

Who ever said time cannot be bought?

I bought some thyme yesterday.

What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?

Get off my nuts!" (ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)

Why did I rob the bank?

For Fundsies! I made that one up yesterday so I really hope nobody has heard it before.

What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

What would you call it if pigs were flying yesterday?

Swine flu

What kind of turns do letters take?

U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.

Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

What's the best way to see yesterday's front page ?

9GAG

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.

What do you want to work on today?

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

What's the craic?

2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.

Which day is the most agreeable?

Yesterday

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?

Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

What did you do for Mothers Day yesterday?

Mothers Day is this upcoming Sunday.

Who is your best friend?

Robert" "Since when is Robert your best friend " "Yesterday."

Why can't you trick an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday

What do you call a Mexican baby born yesterday?

Diego

What is the chemical formula for water?

Student: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "What are you talking about " Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

How can you be so sure?

I was 10 years old yesterday.

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Stock Market Jokes More Stock Market Jokes

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

Where is the best place to buy chicken broth?

at the stock market

Hear Jokes More Hear Jokes

How do you tell the difference from a guy's chromosome and a girl's chromosome?

You pull down their gene's and have a look! Credit: I heard this from an older gentlemen today at a senior home.

Why did the duck cross the basketball court?

He heard the referees were blowing fouls... -Jim Norton

Kind Jokes More Kind Jokes

What kind of music do balloons hate the most?

Pop music.

What kind of bus can cross the ocean?

A Columbus.

9 Year Old Son Jokes More 9 Year Old Son Jokes

What kind of turns do letters take?

U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.

What do you call an egg that cures cancer?

A keurig. Joke written by my 9 year old son.

Cost Jokes More Cost Jokes

How much does it cost for a pirate to get an ear piercing?

A buccaneer.

How much did it cost the pirate to get his ears pierced?

A buccaneer!

Reddit Jokes More Reddit Jokes

What happened on Reddit yesterday?

A pao-erful change

What's the difference between a cheeesburger and Reddit gold?

A cheeseburger can't feed your ego.

Flu Jokes More Flu Jokes

What's the difference between a bag of chips and a duck with the flu?

One's a quick snack and the other's a sick quack!

What do you call a flying pig?

Swine flu

Fix Jokes More Fix Jokes

How long does it take a tweaker to go shopping?

An hour 5 minutes for the Ramen noodles and foil. 55 minutes to fix the squeaky shopping cart wheel.

Why did Ellen Pao fire an employee with cancer?

Fixed* deleted