Yesterday Jokes

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

They weren't born yesterday.

This joke may have profanity.

What happened on Reddit yesterday?

A pao-erful change

Who ever said time cannot be bought?

I bought some thyme yesterday.

What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?

Get off my nuts!" (ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)

Why did I rob the bank?

For Fundsies! I made that one up yesterday so I really hope nobody has heard it before.

What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

What would you call it if pigs were flying yesterday?

Swine flu

What kind of turns do letters take?

U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.

Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

What's the best way to see yesterday's front page ?

9GAG

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.

What do you want to work on today?

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

What's the craic?

2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.

Which day is the most agreeable?

Yesterday

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?

Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

What did you do for Mothers Day yesterday?

Mothers Day is this upcoming Sunday.

Who is your best friend?

Robert" "Since when is Robert your best friend " "Yesterday."

Why can't you trick an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday

What do you call a Mexican baby born yesterday?

Diego

What is the chemical formula for water?

Student: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "What are you talking about " Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

How can you be so sure?

I was 10 years old yesterday.

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Thyme Jokes More Thyme Jokes

What did the chef say when he ruined the soup with too many herbs?

Well, this was a waste of Thyme."

Why is the Doctor an excellent chef?

He's a Thyme Lord

Turn Jokes More Turn Jokes

Why do neurologists think they're God?

Because they can turn any animal into a vegetable!

What do you get when turn three blondes upside down?

Two brunettes and a red-head.

Time Jokes More Time Jokes

What do you call a prehistoric humanoid who likes to take his time?

A meander-thal!

What do you call a spy that likes to spend time with his son?

James Bonding bah dun tss

Bank Jokes More Bank Jokes

Where does a river keep it's money?

At the bank.

What do you call a psychic midget that just robbed a bank?

Small medium at large

Nut Jokes More Nut Jokes

What does the Pillsbury Dough boy hide under his apron?

Dough nuts!

Why could Frankenstein's Monster not have children?

Because his nuts were in his neck!

Letter Jokes More Letter Jokes

How can you spell chilly with two letters?

IC (icy) .

Why does the letter A look like a flower?

A: Because Bs like flowers.

Ps Jokes More Ps Jokes

What should I give your sister for unzipping?

Him : Um, ten bucks? Me : Like for WinZip. PS: Taken from bash.org

What did the cocaine addict say to his drug of choice?

I'm kinda busy, I won't be able to stay any longer, smell ya later" PS: the addict died that day from severe delusions that his coke was talking blanket, lot of coke....

Stir Jokes More Stir Jokes

How do you stir up the politics in a Coca Cola drink?

You add ices.

Why are hula dancers so pretentious?

Because their hips stir.