Yesterday Jokes

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

They weren't born yesterday.

This joke may have profanity.

What happened on Reddit yesterday?

A pao-erful change

Who ever said time cannot be bought?

I bought some thyme yesterday.

What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?

Get off my nuts!" (ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)

Why did I rob the bank?

For Fundsies! I made that one up yesterday so I really hope nobody has heard it before.

What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

What would you call it if pigs were flying yesterday?

Swine flu

What kind of turns do letters take?

U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.

Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

What's the best way to see yesterday's front page ?

9GAG

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.

What do you want to work on today?

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

What's the craic?

2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.

Which day is the most agreeable?

Yesterday

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?

Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

What did you do for Mothers Day yesterday?

Mothers Day is this upcoming Sunday.

Who is your best friend?

Robert" "Since when is Robert your best friend " "Yesterday."

Why can't you trick an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday

What do you call a Mexican baby born yesterday?

Diego

What is the chemical formula for water?

Student: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "What are you talking about " Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

How can you be so sure?

I was 10 years old yesterday.

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Cook Jokes More Cook Jokes

How does a metalworker like his Steak cooked?

wel-dern

Why couldn't the hunter cook breakfast?

The game warden found out he poached his eggs!

Letter Jokes More Letter Jokes

What do snakes write on the bottom of their letters?

With love and hisses.

What do Ohio and Mackerels have in common?

Nothing! Ohio is the only state in the United States that's name shares no letters with the word mackerel.

Reddit Jokes More Reddit Jokes

What's the most overused punchline on reddit?

removed

Why shouldn't you post to Reddit while driving?

becau

U. Jokes More U. Jokes

What do u call a Mexican who survives a shootout and lives to tell the tale?

The Juan who lived.

Who r they 2 stop u?

Boy: My wife &amp 2 kids.

Spot Jokes More Spot Jokes

How do you spot a sumo at a feminist rally?

Look for the one with shaved legs....

Why couldn't the leopard play Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?

A: Because he was always spotted.

Money Jokes More Money Jokes

What do you call someone who makes a lot of money through deforestation of the Amazon?

A Brazillionaire!

What kind of writing makes the most money?

Ransom notes.

Woman Jokes More Woman Jokes

What's the difference between a herpes and jacuzzi?

i let women know that i have a jacuzzi

What's the difference between a woman kneeling in prayer and a woman kneeling in a bathtub?

a woman kneeling in prayer has hope in her soul.

Homo Jokes More Homo Jokes

What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

Why won't the members of the Westboro Baptist Church drink whole milk?

Because it's Homo.