Yesterday Jokes

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

They weren't born yesterday.

This joke may have profanity.

What happened on Reddit yesterday?

A pao-erful change

Who ever said time cannot be bought?

I bought some thyme yesterday.

What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?

Get off my nuts!" (ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)

Why did I rob the bank?

For Fundsies! I made that one up yesterday so I really hope nobody has heard it before.

What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

What would you call it if pigs were flying yesterday?

Swine flu

What kind of turns do letters take?

U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.

Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

What's the best way to see yesterday's front page ?

9GAG

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.

What do you want to work on today?

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

What's the craic?

2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.

Which day is the most agreeable?

Yesterday

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?

Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

What did you do for Mothers Day yesterday?

Mothers Day is this upcoming Sunday.

Who is your best friend?

Robert" "Since when is Robert your best friend " "Yesterday."

Why can't you trick an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday

What do you call a Mexican baby born yesterday?

Diego

What is the chemical formula for water?

Student: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "What are you talking about " Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

How can you be so sure?

I was 10 years old yesterday.

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Lot Jokes More Lot Jokes

What does The Lion King have a lot of?

Simbalism

What did the boy banana say to the girl banana?

You have a lot of appeal."

Hear Jokes More Hear Jokes

Why did the hick move to a toxic waste dump after winning the lottery?

They heard it was a Superfund site.

Why did Hank Hill join an S&ampM club?

He heard they were Pro-Pain.

Turn Jokes More Turn Jokes

How difficult is it to live with erectile dysfunction?

It turns out, it's not very hard at all

How do you turn fruits into vegetables?

Drive a bus through a pride parade

Happen Jokes More Happen Jokes

What happens when a sane person posts on a far right sub and a far left sub?

removed

What's the worst thing when being told you have Alzheimer's?

It doesn't just happen the once.

Buy Jokes More Buy Jokes

What's the cheapest kind of noodle you can buy?

Penne.

What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?

Put it on my bill

Pop Jokes More Pop Jokes

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so?

Is he the McRib

What do you call an inflatable dad?

Pops.

Pig Jokes More Pig Jokes

What do you call a pig stuck in a topiary?

A hedgehog.

Why couldn't the pig run?

He pulled his hamstring!

Spot Jokes More Spot Jokes

What's the best kind of cream... ...to get rid of spots and bug bites?

Creamation.

What do you call an accurate dog?

Spot-on.