Yesterday Jokes

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

They weren't born yesterday.

This joke may have profanity.

What happened on Reddit yesterday?

A pao-erful change

Who ever said time cannot be bought?

I bought some thyme yesterday.

What did the irritated man say to his inguinal hernia?

Get off my nuts!" (ps. I made this joke up yesterday... i am having hernia surgery tomorrow, and i lol'd so hard at myself that i about caused a second one to pop out)

Why did I rob the bank?

For Fundsies! I made that one up yesterday so I really hope nobody has heard it before.

What's the difference between a cook and a homo?

Well, the cook stirs today's meal while the homo stirs yesterday's.

What would you call it if pigs were flying yesterday?

Swine flu

What kind of turns do letters take?

U-turns! *From my 9 year old son yesterday. Fixed typo.

Why can't you lie to an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday.

What's the best way to see yesterday's front page ?

9GAG

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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Coffee Mug

Why did you call off yesterday?

Me: You said I should do what's best for the company. Boss.... Me: I'll take that promotion now.

What do you want to work on today?

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before. "So...neck day again" You bet

What's the craic?

2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.

Which day is the most agreeable?

Yesterday

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?

Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.

Why are you calling me Grandpa?

Because I couldn't find it yesterday."

What did you do for Mothers Day yesterday?

Mothers Day is this upcoming Sunday.

Who is your best friend?

Robert" "Since when is Robert your best friend " "Yesterday."

Why can't you trick an aborted fetus?

It wasn't born yesterday

What do you call a Mexican baby born yesterday?

Diego

What is the chemical formula for water?

Student: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "What are you talking about " Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

How long have you been in pain?

Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997

How can you be so sure?

I was 10 years old yesterday.

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Pao Jokes More Pao Jokes

Why would Ellen Pao not do her own AMA?

General Pao's chicken.

How does Pocahontas celebrate her Cake Day?

With a Pao Wow.

Tomorrow Jokes More Tomorrow Jokes

What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on?

Do the math! Me: Seriously ! It's 2AM and I'm leading a meeting tomorrow

What did the magician say when he made his rabbit disappear?

Hare today gone tomorrow.

Cook Jokes More Cook Jokes

How does a metalworker like his Steak cooked?

wel-dern

What do you call a group of disabled people in a pool?

Vegetable soup. I apologise to those offended by my terrible joke. Have another Whats the hardest part of cooking a vegetable? Getting the wheelchair into the oven

Pull Jokes More Pull Jokes

Why are fire trucks red?

You would be too if someone was pulling on your hose all day.

Why did the brothel run out of money?

Why did the brothel run out of money? Because all of the investors pulled out.

Reddit Jokes More Reddit Jokes

What is the difference between Reddit and a fetish party?

You might actually get me to sub here.

What do you call it when you think deeply about something you just saw on reddit?

Redditation. I am so sorry... that was horrible.

Letter Jokes More Letter Jokes

How many letters can you wear on your feet?

10 E's

How many letters are in the alphabet during the Christmas Season?

Only 25...because there's Noel.

Thyme Jokes More Thyme Jokes

Why do herb pickers have so many hobbies?

They've got a lot of thyme on their hands

What do you get when you mix olive oil, lemon juice, rosemary, thyme, salt, pepper and marijuana?

Cheech Marinade!

Hear Jokes More Hear Jokes

Why did Bossy slug Roy Rogers?

She heard he was a cowpuncher!

Have you heard of the band 1023MB?

They haven't got a gig yet.