Hear Jokes

What does a skeptic chemist say when he hears a baseless argument?

No lye?

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Coffee Mug

What's joke #1?

THIS IS NOT A JOKE I'm sure you all have heard the joke where has a number for each joke and that everyone just remembers the numbers instead for typing out the jokes. This always made me think "What would joke #1 be?" What do you think it'd be?

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl use a bathroom?

The p is silent.

Why didn't Wilma let Fred in when he was banging at the door?

Because she was in the shower and didn't hear him because the elephant stump was on full blast.

What's the worse thing to hear during a prostate exam?

A zip.

Where all my mustang drivers at?????

Last I heard, they're all headed to Portland

What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

You can't hear an enzyme.

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

Why did the cannibal go to KFC?

He heard it was finger licking good.

How much did the cannibal pay for his new sports car?

I don't know but I heard it cost him an arm and a leg.

What did one hash brownie say to the other?

We're so baked. What did the stoner say to his friend? I'm so high,I can hear the brownies talking to each other.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

5.0

Coffee Mug

What was 2016?

The best joke I've ever heard!

What's the worst thing to hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson."

Why can't you hear Michelle Pfeiffer use the restroom?

Because her pee is silent.

What's the difference between a church and a mosque?

In a church you see pew, pew pew. In a mosque you hear pew pew pew.

Whats the worst thing to hear when you have explosive diarrhea?

Are you ticklish?"

What's Cain's favorite genre of music?

Rock, I hear his brother hates it though.

What's the difference between a political speech and a stand-up comic show?

They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number and you've probably never heard of it.

Which do you want to hear first?

Paul: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first? Michael: The good news. Paul: The good news is that I have no bad news.

What do you call a gorilla with a banana in each ear ?

Whatever you want, he can't hear you..

What do you call an STD that is contracted in your ear?

Hearing AIDS

How do you hear a hormone?

Pay $100 for 30 minutes

Why can't you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom?

Because dinosaurs went extinct 65 million years ago.

What do you call a deaf pokemon go player walking into traffic?

Anything you want they're not going to hear you.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the restroom?

Because they're extinct

Why do Scottish men wear kilts?

Because their sheep can hear zippers.

Why did all the Black people move to Detroit?

Because they heard there were no jobs there.

Why do the Scottish wear kilts?

Sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away

What's the difference between a black joke and Mexican joke?

Nothing. If you've heard Juan you've heard Jamal.

What's the worst thing you can hear while taking the bus?

ALLAHUUUUUU AKBARRRR

Why do Scottish men wear kilts instead of jeans?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Why are children's birthday parties never held in outer space?

Because I hear that in space there is no ice-cream.

What do you call a deaf dog?

It doesn't matter, it can't hear you anyway.

What are you planting???

B: The seed of doubt. A: Dude, that's the worst joke I've ever heard! A: Or is it the best???

Why did American football player Michael Vick want to see the film "Top Gun"?

He heard the film had dogfighting scenes

What's the worst they could say? No?

I'm a married man, I hear no at least two times a week.

Why do engineering students call themselves engineers?

You don't hear a law student call themselves a lawyer, or a gender studies student call themselves a barista.

What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?

He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea.

Why did Hannibal Lecter try DiGiorno's Pizza?

He heard it had de y flavor.

What's the last thing you want to hear while using a urinal?

nice watch"

What do you hear if you hold a kebap to your ear?

The silence of the lambs

What's the same between a smart blonde and a UFO?

You keep hearing about them, but you never see one

What did Tarzan say when he saw a heard of elephants?

Oh look! A heard of elephants.

What's the same about a smart blonde and a UFO?

You keep hearing about em but you never see em

Why did the Udon noodles stop drinking?

They wanted to be Soba... I heard that a few days ago and wanted to share it.

Why do Black People hate country music?

Because when they hear "Hoe Down" they think their sister got shot.

What to hear something funny?

Original Content

What is the best spanish joke you've ever heard?

I couldnt find the spanish section of reddit

Why did Micheal Jackson go to JC Penny?

He heard little boys pants were 50% off...

Why did the hick move to a toxic waste dump after winning the lottery?

They heard it was a Superfund site.

Whats you favorite Christmas joke?

I know this is an unorthodox post, but, I would love to hear your favorites!

What's a hipster's biggest problem?

You probably haven't heard it.

Why do all Asian kids get straight A's?

Because the ones that don't are never heard from again. I'll be here all day folks.

What is your best casino joke?

I work in a casino and want to hear your best one. Here is mine: what's the difference between a canoe and a baccarat player? A canoe sometimes tips!

Why did the Kenyans win the marathon?

They heard there was water at the end

How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard of hearing?

HEY! DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!

What do you say upon hearing a bad Halloween joke?

Booooooo, Booooooo

What is the most commonly heard four-letter word in a whorehouse?

Next!"

Why did a man bring a ladder to the party?

He heard the drinks were on the house..... I'll see myself out.

What do you do when you hear a woman got hit by a car?

Wonder how the hell a car got into the kitchen

Why are life long overweight people funny?

Growing up they hear the best jokes.

How can you tell there is a Canadian in your closet?

You can hear someone scooting aboot in it

What's a Chinese woman called with one leg shorter than the other?

Irene. (Normally start this as a two part joke with, "What do you call a woman with... Ilene." Ha... But figured everyone had already heard that).

Why did Jared go to a Goat farm?

Why did Jared go to a Goat farm? He heard there was lots of Kids there.

What will they ask Jared of Subway in the prison shower?

Do you want a 6 or a 12 inch one?' I heard this joke on Bill Burr's podcast.

What do you get if you share your Earbuds with all your friends?

Hearing AIDS.

Who was the best boxer of all time?

Jim Jones, I heard he took out 909 people with one punch.

What did Tony Abbott do when he heard Denmark had surplus wind power ?

Cut funding for wind power in Australia

Who fancies going to Tunisia?

I heard they're giving free shots on the beach. They go straight to your head, too.

What has shadier inner workings, Reddit or FIFA?

Still waiting to hear back from an admin.

Why are highly successful people named Mark always so depressed?

Because they can't stop hitting themselves. This joke came to me while I was half asleep this morning. I'm not sure how original it is. I probably heard some variation of it somewhere and have just forgotten. Any suggestions for improving it?

Whats this new apple product I keep hearing about?

A: Whats this new apple product I keep hearing about? B: Which one? A: the I-sis

Why did the acronym buff decide to go join the etymologists instead?

He heard they had PIE.

What happened to the egg when it heard the joke?

It cracked.

Why would anybody ever want to visit New Brunswick?

I hear their bowling alleys are pretty nice.

What is the worst city to be a cop in?

Baltimore, I hear it's backbreaking work.

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because a sheep can hear a zipper from a mile away.

Why did Luke Skywalker bluff in a game of poker?

He heard Obi-Wan in his head saying Out, I shall let myself.

What is the only thing on earth that goes "ha ha" on a Monday?

A bit late, but.... A blonde who heard a joke on Friday.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl taking a leak?

Because their entire species is extinct.

Why Are Mexican & Black Jokes Overdone?

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal!...I'm sorry, you can hate me if you wish. ;(

What gets you a downvote?

Reposting an old joke that wasn't funny the first time. What gets you an upvote? Posting an original joke, or a funny joke I've heard before. What get's you 5 upvotes? Being

Why didn't Zeke get that job at the KFC off the interstate?

He thought they'd want to hear that back at the farm, he likes doin' chickens right also.

What did the deaf guy say to the blind guy?

I can't hear you, but I can see your point

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage I do realize this is a sick joke but it still makes me laugh when I hear it. I'm a horrible person

How do you find out that a cricket hears with its legs?

First, you put the cricket on a box, tap the box, and you see that the cricket jumps away. Now, you cut his legs off, put him on a box, tap the box, and you'll see that the cricket does not jump away.

Why don't you hear any knock knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.

What did gangster Pooh said to gangster Tigger?

Tigga please!" Sorry, I heard it years ago. I don't remember where or when but I've just been saying alot lately. :p

Whats the last thing you want to hear before you go to sleep?

Zippity Bop, Puddin' pop!

Why the big pause................................?

Said the man in the pub to the bear. First heard this joke told by Eddie Izzard.

What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?

You hear about them but never see them

What is the definition of a Freudian slip?

when you say one thing and mean a mother. Don't remember where I heard it. Haven't read it here yet.

Why are there so many Asians?

Its the food. There is too much raw dog. Heard it on Adam Carolla's Podcast. A caller phoned in and told it to Adam. Thought you guys would like it.

What's one thing a man doesn't want to hear the morning after?

Yes, I'm completely sure.

Why did I rob the bank?

For Fundsies! I made that one up yesterday so I really hope nobody has heard it before.

Why did Bill and Ted join Islam?

Because they heard it was radical!

What did the bat say to the other bat when he almost flew into a tree?

Whoa did you hear that?

Why is Santa always so jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live. You've probably heard this one before. But it's Christmas tomorrow so what the hell.

What's a schizophrenic's favorite Christmas song?

Do You Hear what I Hear?

You might also enjoy:

Bad News Jokes More Bad News Jokes