Girlfriend Jokes

What is the difference between my girlfriend and a washing machine?

After I dump my load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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How did the farmer find his girlfriend?

He tractor!

How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking?

Slow down and use some lube

How did the truck get his girlfriend?

Pickup lines

What do you want for Christmas?

Me: a dragon! Santa: noo, be realistic Me: a girlfriend Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend

What do a loading bar and my girlfriend have in common?

Both equally inefficient at letting me know when they are actually ready.

How many of my ex-girlfriends does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. Apparently she will screw anything.

What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend ?

Your plaice or mine' !

What did Captain Kirk do when his girlfriend told him she had a defecation fetish?

William Shat-on-her

What's red, 10 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I try to put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage. sorry.

What do you do when your girlfriend starts to smoke?

Slow the pace and apply more lube!

Couple's Daily Question Mug

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Why did the banker dump his girlfriend?

He lost interest.

What did Jay Z call his girlfriend when they were dating?

A Feyonce

What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

What did Gordon Ramsey shout angrily at his girlfriend?

IT'S ALL PINK IN THE MIDDLE"

What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!

What did Casper say to his girlfriend?

I love you, boo!!

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?

She didn't suit his taste!

Why do you want to learn jujitsu?

Person 1: To defend myself. Person 2: Discipline. Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.

What do you call cow without a girlfriend?

Beef Stroken off

What do you call a jazz musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

How did a Hispanic farmer propose to his girlfriend?

With arroz.

What did the redneck say to his girlfriend after they broke up?

Its ok, we can still be cousins."

What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?

Her miscarriage

What do you call your ex-girlfriend from Baltimore?

Old Bae

What's the difference between my GoPro and my girlfriend?

I wouldn't spend hours looking for my girlfriend at a ski resort if I lost her on the mountain.

When my girlfriend asks "mom, what are you doing!?

I reply "Taxes."

When do you kick a midget in the nuts?

When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.

How did the phone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

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Hour Jokes More Hour Jokes

What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours?

Tire-less

Who loves you more, your wife or your dog?

Lock them both in the trunk of your car for an hour. Guess who is happy to see you when you open the trunk

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

Why do you think I spend too much time at my computer?

Well dear... Every time I ask you to close the windows you answer with "Please wait while your computer shuts down"...

Why do people get addicted to meth?

Because they didn't think of the aftermeth.

Christmas Jokes More Christmas Jokes

What does CNN call back-to-back aviation disasters?

Christmas in July

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

Paint Jokes More Paint Jokes

How do you prevent a canoe from tipping?

Paint it black.

How did the artist paint a picture?

A: Easel-y.

Ceiling Jokes More Ceiling Jokes

How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed?

tape velcro to the ceiling.

What did the ceiling fan say?

YEEEEAAAAH! GO CEILING! YOU NUMBER ONE BABY! WOOOOOOHOOOOOO!

Black Eye Jokes More Black Eye Jokes

How'd you get a black eye?

Walked into a door. Later, another shiner More doors *nods* One does not simply walk into more doors.

Where'd you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me. Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town. Me: I did too...

Dump Jokes More Dump Jokes

What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

What's the difference between your mama and a washing machine?

The washing machine doesn't follow me around for a week after I dump a load in it.

Spend Jokes More Spend Jokes

What does an insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic spend most of his time doing?

Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

What is best potato?

Latvian potato is best potato. Is kind you spend whole life looking for. Also, low calories.