Girlfriend Jokes

What is the difference between my girlfriend and a washing machine?

After I dump my load in a washing machine it doesn't follow me around.

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How did the farmer find his girlfriend?

He tractor!

How do you get your girlfriend to stop smoking?

Slow down and use some lube

How did the truck get his girlfriend?

Pickup lines

What do you want for Christmas?

Me: a dragon! Santa: noo, be realistic Me: a girlfriend Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend

What do a loading bar and my girlfriend have in common?

Both equally inefficient at letting me know when they are actually ready.

How many of my ex-girlfriends does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. Apparently she will screw anything.

What did the boy fish say to his girlfriend ?

Your plaice or mine' !

What did Captain Kirk do when his girlfriend told him she had a defecation fetish?

William Shat-on-her

What's red, 10 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I try to put it in her mouth?

Her miscarriage. sorry.

What do you do when your girlfriend starts to smoke?

Slow the pace and apply more lube!

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Why did the banker dump his girlfriend?

He lost interest.

What did Jay Z call his girlfriend when they were dating?

A Feyonce

What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

What did Gordon Ramsey shout angrily at his girlfriend?

IT'S ALL PINK IN THE MIDDLE"

What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!

What did Casper say to his girlfriend?

I love you, boo!!

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?

She didn't suit his taste!

Why do you want to learn jujitsu?

Person 1: To defend myself. Person 2: Discipline. Me: My girlfriend keeps stealing my fries.

What do you call cow without a girlfriend?

Beef Stroken off

What do you call a jazz musician without a girlfriend?

Homeless

How did a Hispanic farmer propose to his girlfriend?

With arroz.

What did the redneck say to his girlfriend after they broke up?

Its ok, we can still be cousins."

What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?

Her miscarriage

What do you call your ex-girlfriend from Baltimore?

Old Bae

What's the difference between my GoPro and my girlfriend?

I wouldn't spend hours looking for my girlfriend at a ski resort if I lost her on the mountain.

When my girlfriend asks "mom, what are you doing!?

I reply "Taxes."

When do you kick a midget in the nuts?

When he stands next to your girlfriend and says her hair smells nice.

How did the phone propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?

She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.

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Town Jokes More Town Jokes

Where'd you get that black eye?

Me: My girlfriend gave it to me. Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town. Me: I did too...

Who me?

Ohhh, I'm just driving around town, painting "free candy" on the side of creepy looking vans.

Christmas Jokes More Christmas Jokes

How much longer?

Did you bring any snacks They want $5 for M&M's! I wanna go home Is it over yet - me watching my kids Christmas pageant

What's the difference between a dead baby and mistletoe?

I don't hang mistletoe at Christmas time

Think Jokes More Think Jokes

Why do neurologists think they're God?

Because they can turn any animal into a vegetable!

What do you think you're doing?

the observant teacher asks. To which he replies... "writing an ese"

Boyfriend Jokes More Boyfriend Jokes

What are the 2 reasons the girl broke up with her boyfriend?

Because he was a cheetah and because he was lion too much to her.

Why is it so difficult for women to find a man who is sensitive, caring, and good looking?

All of those guys already have boyfriends.

Forget Jokes More Forget Jokes

What did the man say after he forgot to pull out?

I regret nutting!!!

What is skeleton?

Interviewer:what is skeleton? Sardar:Sir, skeleton is a person who started dieting but forgot to stop it..!!!

Santa Jokes More Santa Jokes

What do Santa and Jared from Subway have in common?

They both leave kids rooms with an empty sack

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at three Hos.

Dustpan Jokes More Dustpan Jokes

How do you pickup chicks in Auschwitz ?

With a dustpan..

How do you pick up my ex girlfriend?

With a broom and a dustpan.

Wife Jokes More Wife Jokes

Where are the groceries?

ME: Bacon was on sale. WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*

What does Santa call his wife at tax time?

A: A dependent Claus.