Alcoholic Jokes

Why cant Schizophrenics be alcoholics?

because they never drink alone.

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What should you never do in front of an alcoholic?

Whine.

What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

What do you call a man who's always in high spirits?

An alcoholic.

What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one

What do a pirate wench and an alcoholic have in common?

They've both got a little Captain in them.

What do you call an alcoholic with Parkinson's?

Shakespeare (say it out loud)

What did one alcoholic say to the other alcoholic?

I forget

What do you call it when an alcoholic stops drinking?

A leave of Absinthe.

How does an Alcoholic teach the ABC's to their children?

Backwards.

What's the worst thing about alcoholics?

They wine too much.

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What's the difference between an alcoholic and a necrophiliac?

One goes to the bar for a cold one. The other goes to a morgue.

What do alcoholics and necrophiliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

What do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common?

They both like to crack open a cold one.

What do you get when you mix a Native American and an Irishman?

An alcoholic with a drinking problem

What do you call a group of alcoholics with the same name?

Alcoholics synonymous.

Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?

He couldn't handle his boos.

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

How are an alcoholic and necrophiliac similar?

Both enjoy cracking open a cold one.

What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common?

They both love to crack open a cold one.

Where do alcoholics get their breakfast pastries?

Drunken Donuts

What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer?

Wine

What is similar about a necrophiliac and an alcoholic?

They both like to crack open a cold one

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

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Who do you pat with encouragement when they fail to work?

A Remote control

What do you do if your lawnmower stops working?

Deport him back to Mexico

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What is Harper Lee's favorite alcoholic drink?

A Tequila Mockingbird.

What do you call alcohol in a birdbath?

Tequila Mockingbird!

Black Person Jokes More Black Person Jokes

What did God say when he saw the first black person?

Ooops, I burnt one!

How do you keep a black person from drowning?

You don't

Man Jokes More Man Jokes

What do you call a man holding a machine gun?

Sir

What do you call a man who has been dead and buried for thousands of years?

Pete.

Like Jokes More Like Jokes

Why was the hipster drinking milk?

He liked Ice Cream before it was cool

Why do buzzards prefer to fly?

Because they really like their carry-on..... yeah total dad joke, i know.

Schizophrenic Jokes More Schizophrenic Jokes

What do you call a schizophrenic in a white dress?

Your Holiness.

Why cant Schizophrenics be alcoholics?

because they never drink alone.

Credit Jokes More Credit Jokes

How are teenaged boys like the enzyme helicase?

They both want to unzip your genes! credit goes to Hank from CrashCourse on Youtube :)

How do you shoot a unique deer?

You-neak up on it and shoot it. Credit: Grandpa Clifford

Way Jokes More Way Jokes

Why don't women parachute naked?

Cause they would whistle on the way down

How do I love thee?

Let me count the ways... Five.