Irish Jokes

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

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How do you sink an Irish submarine?

A: Knock on the hatch.

How do you call it when an Irish person goes out for drinks?

A bargain

What do you call a half Irish half Muslim husband?

O'Pressive.

Why is Irish bean soup made with 239 beans?

Because if you add even one more it gets "2 farty".

What does an Irish terrorist attack and a gambling addiction have in common?

Dublin down

Why should you know who is the bride at an Irish wedding?

Because that's the one you're *not* allowed to punch in the face.

Why do the Irish only put 239 beans in their soup?

Because one more bean would be too farty.

What's the difference between Martin Luther King Jr. Day and St. Patricks Day?

Everyone want to be Irish on St. Patricks Day.

What do you call an Irish armchair?

Patty O'Furniture

What do Irish feminists call men?

O'Pressors

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What do you call three Irish lumberjacks?

Tree fellers Edit: Wooo gold!

What do you call an Irish-Canadian?

a Mickey Moose

How many beans do you put in Irish chili?

Two hundred and thirty-nine. Why Because one more would be two-farty.

When does an Irish potato change nationality?

A: When it's french fried.

Why is an Irish funeral cheaper than an Irish wedding?

There's one less drunk.

What do you call it when a man has a beer in each hand?

Irish handcuffs.

What is the difference between an Irish drinking song and a Country drinking song?

You don't cry in your beer when the Irish song is playing.

What did the Irish man and the mongol woman name their child?

Lepre Kahn

Why did the Irish man never get caught drink driving?

Because he never left the pub.

Why did the Irish Football manager flood the pitch ?

So he could bring his 'sub' on

What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?

A: Paddy O'Furniture!

Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?

Because one more, and it'd be too farty.

What do you call an Irish girl sitting on a hot griddle holding a piece of cheese?

A paddy melt!!

What do you call the Irish guy who always brings flan to the potluck?

Shaun O'flanagan

Why do the Irish serve up their chili with 139 beans?

Because one more would be one-farty bowl of chili!

Why do the Irish always answer questions with another question?

He said, "do we now "

Why did god invent whiskey?

x-post /r/drunkjokes) So the Irish would never rule the world

How do I make a St. Patrick's Day mocha?

He says Irish coffee is the only thing keeping this family together

Why do the Irish have 239 beans in their soup?

If they had one more it would be to farty

What's white and Irish and sits in your backyard all year?

Paddy O'Furniture

How many potatoes does it take to starve an Irish man?

None

Who's Irish and sleeps on your porch?

Paddy O'Furniture!

How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 - One to hold the light bulb and 29 to drink until the room spins.

Why can't Irish do trigonometry?

They can't tan. Why can't Christians do trigonometry They can't sin. Why can't the rest of us trigonometry Just cos.

How did the drunk Irish man lose 30$?

He bet 10$ on the soccer game and 20$ on the replay.

What's Irish and sits out in the rain?

Paddy o' Furniture

What do you call an Irish man who lives in your back garden?

Patti O'Furniture

What's Irish and lies around in the sun all day?

Patty O'Furniture.

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Cry Jokes More Cry Jokes

What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A tearjerker

Why did the biscuit cry?

His mum had been a wafer too long.

Irish Accent Jokes More Irish Accent Jokes

What time is it in Ireland when someone farts too much?

Two-forty (use an Irish accent)... It's two-farty

Why didn't the Irishman add another bean?

He stopped at 239 because if he added another one it would be 'too farty'. It would've been funnier if I could do an Irish accent.

Farty Jokes More Farty Jokes

Why does d' perfect Irish stew require exactly two hundred n' terty nine beans?

Because if you added one more it'd be two farty.

Why did the Irishman only put 239 beans in his bean soup?

Because one more would be too farty

Country Jokes More Country Jokes

What do you call a country run by a bunch of stubborn old deer?

A stagnation

What do you call a sick bird of prey that enters the country without permission?

An ill-eagle

Funeral Jokes More Funeral Jokes

When should funerals occur?

Mourning

What is the one thing you shouldn't do at a funeral?

The corpse.

Joke Jokes More Joke Jokes

How many times does a blonde laugh at a joke?

Three times - Once when you tell it, once when you explain it, and once when she gets it.

What did the terrorist say to the racist and the socialist?

We are the 2016 presidential candidate frontrunners. This is a joke take it that way

English Jokes More English Jokes

Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

What's the shortest possible sentence in Canadian English?

Sorry, eh.

Drunk Jokes More Drunk Jokes

What do you call a drunk who happens upon the scene of a crime?

an innocent bystumbler

What are you gonna be for halloween?

Me: Drunk!