Speed Jokes

Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it?

Because it was stationary.

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Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

Which rappers had a flow that could simultaneously speed up and slow down at the same time?

MC Escher

What's a junkie's favorite videogame?

Need for Speed.

What is 90-60-90?

Speed while driving past a speed camera.

What happens if you feed Link some Speed?

you get a Hyperlink ...

What happens when something travels faster than the speed of light?

Does it matter?

What are goosebumps for?

To slow down speeding geese!

What did the cow say to the police officer, giving a speeding ticket?

Miav.

What does "Maginot Line" get translated to in English?

Speed bump ahead

What would one call a movie about meth addictions?

Need for speed.

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What are goosebumps used for?

To keep geese from speeding!

How do you know a drummer is at your door?

The knock speeds up.

What is the Speed of Darkness?

Batman!

How amphetamine addiction is called?

Need for Speed.

Whats the best thing about being addicted to speed?

Only one more sleep until Christmas!

What do you say when a woman falls off a boat?

Full speed ahead!"

What's faster, the speed of thought or the speed of light?

Neither, it's diarrhea. Before you could think about it or even turn the lights on, you've already shat yourself.

Why were you speeding when I stopped you?

Motorist: So I could race home to get my license and registration.

What do they say when a woman falls over?

FULL SPEED AHEAD!" Sauce: https://www.youtube.com/watch v=OA8TlOsVw#t=82

Where can you find the speed of light?

At C level

Why was the Muslim arrested for speeding during Ramadan?

Because he was going *to fast*!

Why were you speeding?

Motorist: I wasn't going to miss seeing myself on "America's Most Wanted."

Why isn't the speed of light Asian?

Because it never gets better than a 'C'.

How do you know if there is a drummer at your door?

A: The knocking always speeds up.

Why did you ticket the computer?

Officer: It was speeding along the information highway.

What did the cop say to Boris Yosanavich after pulling him over for speeding?

Quit Russian.

What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?

Officer, "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

What do you call someone who likes speed?

Racist.

What happened to Frankenstein's monster on the road?

He was stopped for speeding fined $50 and dismantled for six months.

What did the doctor say to the speeding commuter?

Thank you for your patients.

What do you yell when a woman falls of a boat?

Full speed ahead

What did Einstein say when he was pulled over for speeding?

Speed is relative, officer."

Why did the updraft get pulled over?

It was speeding in a high shear zone

What do you call a speeding vegetable?

Michael Schumacher.

What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

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Think Jokes More Think Jokes

What did Hamlet say when he was thinking of sending a message?

To e or not to e that is the question.

What do mosquitoes think of people who wear bug spray?

They are just OFF-full

Happen Jokes More Happen Jokes

When they named the state of New Mexico were they degrading the state or honoring Mexico?

it seemed funnier when I first said it. is this how it always happens

What happens if Mike Tyson carries around Mjolnir all day?

He gets thor arms!

Paper Jokes More Paper Jokes

How did the terrorist get into Czechoslovakia?

They didn't czech his papers.

How many IT guys does it take to Fix a printer?

Three, one suggests to check if it is plug in, another recommends to reboot the printer, and finally one to check to see if the printer had paper and laugh about how easy the solution was.

Link Jokes More Link Jokes

What hotel does Link always ask for?

HYATT

What is Link's favorite Final Fantasy character?

Zell, duh!

Lord Jokes More Lord Jokes

Who should have played Bilbo Baggins in Lord of the Rings?

Bruce Willis. Because old hobbits die hard.

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

Drive Jokes More Drive Jokes

What does an apple and an apple tree have in common?

A: They both don't drive tractors.

Why did the virus get a ticket?

Because he was driving under the influenza......

Time Jokes More Time Jokes

Why did the cab driver did not get time for his family?

Because he was Uber busy.

Why won't the Alzheimer's patient pay attention to you?

Because he doesn't know the time of day.

Diarrhea Jokes More Diarrhea Jokes

What animal has two gray feet and two brown feet?

An elephant with diarrhea.

What do you call it when a black person has diarrhea?

Nigeria