Excuse Jokes

Why do the rich enjoy tending to their gardens?

Because the they have an excuse to buy hose

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How long is a china-man?

Excuse the question mark, "How Long" is in fact a china man.

What excuse did the unemployed cellist give for going dutch with his date?

He's flat Baroque...

What did the poop said to the other poop?

Poop: Please don't push. It's already tight in here! Poop to Pee: May I go first? Meanwhile, Fart pushing everyone to the sides.. Fart: Excuse me! Excuse me! I need to go!

What does the window do when the sun shines on it?

It gets Blinded I excuse myself out.

How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table?

He says, "Gourmet I be excused?"

What do you call a Russian ninja?

Shneakoff ( I apologise, this is my first ever post so I'm using that as my excuse)

What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.

Who is Thor?

A very worn-out thuper hero. (An excerpt from Brother Time and the Turtle: More Excuses for Jokes: )

What's your excuse?

Well my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

What would you like?

ME:What would YOU like W:Excuse me M:No one ever asks you, do they W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you.

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How do you hit those high notes?

Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil. Interviewer: Excuse me Adam Levine: Practice.

What food should you avoid if you don't want to go to court?

Sue-shi! I'll excuse myself.

Why should I excuse your dear aunt Sally?

Her operations were not unprecedented.

How do you find a white person in the condiment aisle?

A: UM EXCUSE YOU THAT'S RACIST!!!!----oh look, there they are!

Which perfume do you use ?

It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife." Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist with a Jehovah's Witness?

knock knock knock... excuse me sir, but do you have a few minutes to discuss nothing

What did the pony say after he coughed?

Excuse me, I'm a little hoarse."

Who these days is hard "Is your person white?

Excuse me " "Is your person white " "I don't see skin color I just see people"

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?

I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

What's the difference between Snow White and the Brazil soccer team?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.

Why does the KKK like christmas?

Because it's the one day that they have an excuse to hang coloured balls from trees.

Why did the Russian man keep making excuses?

He was just stalin for time

When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone?

Two days seems like a long time.

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Good Time Jokes More Good Time Jokes

When is the best time to play racquet sports?

Ten-ish.

When is the best time to go shopping?

When the stores are open.

Fart Jokes More Fart Jokes

Who farted?

Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

What do you call a person who teaches you how to fart?

A tutor.

Buy Jokes More Buy Jokes

Why should you never buy ukrainian underwear?

Chernobyl fallout.

Why are Juggalos obsessed with hatchets?

Felons can't buy guns

Dutch Jokes More Dutch Jokes

What happened to the little Dutch boy after he put his finger in the dyke?

she shattered his jaw!

What is brown and sits in a toilet in a dutch attic?

The diarrhea of Anne Frank.

Hose Jokes More Hose Jokes

Why are fire engines red?

You would be too if you were running down the road with your hose hanging out!

Why couldn't the Mexican be a Firefighter?

Because he didn't know the difference between Jose and Hose B.

Joke Jokes More Joke Jokes

How did I know my joke was not alright with my audience?

They all left.

Where do dads keep their jokes?

In their dadabase.

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

Why did Microsoft name their new web browser "Edge"?

Because people familiar with the U2 guitarist of the same name are already used to long delays.

What did the LGBT art teacher tell the kids to use when their projects needed glue ?

wait for it ... wait for it ...) brucilage !!!!!!!!

Fact Jokes More Fact Jokes

How many suh boys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, its already lit fam. I cannot take credit for this due to being told this joke by a freind. He was in fact lit af.

How can I draw attention to the fact this skirt is too long?

AHEM!