Excuse Jokes

Why do the rich enjoy tending to their gardens?

Because the they have an excuse to buy hose

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How long is a china-man?

Excuse the question mark, "How Long" is in fact a china man.

What excuse did the unemployed cellist give for going dutch with his date?

He's flat Baroque...

What did the poop said to the other poop?

Poop: Please don't push. It's already tight in here! Poop to Pee: May I go first? Meanwhile, Fart pushing everyone to the sides.. Fart: Excuse me! Excuse me! I need to go!

What does the window do when the sun shines on it?

It gets Blinded I excuse myself out.

How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table?

He says, "Gourmet I be excused?"

What do you call a Russian ninja?

Shneakoff ( I apologise, this is my first ever post so I'm using that as my excuse)

What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.

Who is Thor?

A very worn-out thuper hero. (An excerpt from Brother Time and the Turtle: More Excuses for Jokes: )

What's your excuse?

Well my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

What would you like?

ME:What would YOU like W:Excuse me M:No one ever asks you, do they W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you.

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How do you hit those high notes?

Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil. Interviewer: Excuse me Adam Levine: Practice.

What food should you avoid if you don't want to go to court?

Sue-shi! I'll excuse myself.

Why should I excuse your dear aunt Sally?

Her operations were not unprecedented.

How do you find a white person in the condiment aisle?

A: UM EXCUSE YOU THAT'S RACIST!!!!----oh look, there they are!

Which perfume do you use ?

It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife." Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist with a Jehovah's Witness?

knock knock knock... excuse me sir, but do you have a few minutes to discuss nothing

What did the pony say after he coughed?

Excuse me, I'm a little hoarse."

Who these days is hard "Is your person white?

Excuse me " "Is your person white " "I don't see skin color I just see people"

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?

I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

What's the difference between Snow White and the Brazil soccer team?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.

Why does the KKK like christmas?

Because it's the one day that they have an excuse to hang coloured balls from trees.

Why did the Russian man keep making excuses?

He was just stalin for time

When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone?

Two days seems like a long time.

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China Jokes More China Jokes

How do you get a job with Apple?

Be born in China.

How long is a china-man?

Excuse the question mark, "How Long" is in fact a china man.

Seven Jokes More Seven Jokes

What is red and has seven little dents in it?

Snow White's cherry.

How can you make seven even?

How can you make seven even? Take away the letter S.

Fart Jokes More Fart Jokes

Why do farts stink?

So the deaf can enjoy them too.

What's the sharpest thing in the world?

A fart. It goes through your pants without even making a hole.

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

What font was used on Wyatt Earp's tombstone?

Sans Sheriff.

How is she?

Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical". Me: "Oh, you get used to that...".

Enjoy Jokes More Enjoy Jokes

What do you call Charlie Sheen's brother if he were a financial advisor?

Emilio Investevez. Fun game/running joke friends in college used to play. Wondering if Reddit would enjoy the game too.

Why do they thank me in the cafeteria when I pay for my food like I had a choice?

Just tell me "enjoy the diarrhea" and I'll move along.

Leave Jokes More Leave Jokes

What did the black eyed peas say when they left the dentist?

I got a filling, woo-hoo!"

What's an empty suit of armor doing on the drivers side of a car?

He went out for the knight. OK I'll leave now

Garden Jokes More Garden Jokes

What do you get when you cross worms with elephants?

Big holes in your garden

What is the fiercest flower in the garden ?

The tiger lily !

Work Jokes More Work Jokes

How many people work in the Lada factory?

Two. One to cut and one to glue

What Would Beyonce Do?

Would she apply for a job Nope. She'd just show up one day like "I work here now."