Excuse Jokes

Why do the rich enjoy tending to their gardens?

Because the they have an excuse to buy hose

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How long is a china-man?

Excuse the question mark, "How Long" is in fact a china man.

What excuse did the unemployed cellist give for going dutch with his date?

He's flat Baroque...

What did the poop said to the other poop?

Poop: Please don't push. It's already tight in here! Poop to Pee: May I go first? Meanwhile, Fart pushing everyone to the sides.. Fart: Excuse me! Excuse me! I need to go!

What does the window do when the sun shines on it?

It gets Blinded I excuse myself out.

How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table?

He says, "Gourmet I be excused?"

What do you call a Russian ninja?

Shneakoff ( I apologise, this is my first ever post so I'm using that as my excuse)

What is the difference between Snow White and Brazil?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep before letting seven in.

Who is Thor?

A very worn-out thuper hero. (An excerpt from Brother Time and the Turtle: More Excuses for Jokes: )

What's your excuse?

Well my dad says the world is changing every day . So I decided to wait until it settles down!"

What would you like?

ME:What would YOU like W:Excuse me M:No one ever asks you, do they W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you.

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How do you hit those high notes?

Adam Levine: I sold my soul to the devil. Interviewer: Excuse me Adam Levine: Practice.

What food should you avoid if you don't want to go to court?

Sue-shi! I'll excuse myself.

Why should I excuse your dear aunt Sally?

Her operations were not unprecedented.

How do you find a white person in the condiment aisle?

A: UM EXCUSE YOU THAT'S RACIST!!!!----oh look, there they are!

Which perfume do you use ?

It smells good. I want to buy one for my wife." Lady: "Please don't. Some idiot will have an excuse to talk to her."

What do you get when you cross a Zen Buddhist with a Jehovah's Witness?

knock knock knock... excuse me sir, but do you have a few minutes to discuss nothing

What did the pony say after he coughed?

Excuse me, I'm a little hoarse."

Who these days is hard "Is your person white?

Excuse me " "Is your person white " "I don't see skin color I just see people"

What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

What excuse does an Ape give for abducting a pretty girl?

I can't help it - she brings out the beast in me!

What's the difference between Snow White and the Brazil soccer team?

Snow White had the excuse of being asleep when she let seven in.

Why does the KKK like christmas?

Because it's the one day that they have an excuse to hang coloured balls from trees.

Why did the Russian man keep making excuses?

He was just stalin for time

When someone says "excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable", how long are they usually gone?

Two days seems like a long time.

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Enjoy Jokes More Enjoy Jokes

Why do Democrats like to play Pokemon?

They've always enjoyed rounding up Japanese monsters.

What do a chick and KFC have in common?

Once you're done enjoying the legs, thighs and breasts your left with a greasy box to stick your bone in.

Fact Jokes More Fact Jokes

What did the bun say to the hot dog?

I relish the fact that you've mustard the will to ketchup to me!

What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?

Him: The fact that you're calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.

Date Jokes More Date Jokes

Why couldn't the expert fisherman get any dates?

Because he said he was a master baiter.

What date is it today?

2nd April. Ha!! April fool!

Dinner Table Jokes More Dinner Table Jokes

How do you know if you're a bogan?

You let your 15 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table... in front of her kids.

How does a chef ask to leave the dinner table?

He says, "Gourmet I be excused?"

Fart Jokes More Fart Jokes

What thought can you easily share with someone else without using words?

That you to fart.

What do you call a fart from an Egyptian stranger?

Toot uncommon

Window Jokes More Window Jokes

What's black and taps on the window?

A baby in the microwave :)

What did Eric Clapton do after he wrote Tears in Heaven?

Threw his baby out the window.

Push Jokes More Push Jokes

Why did Lucy fall off the swing?

Jimmy pushed her... Which is a shame because she was getting used to swinging without arms.

What do you get if you push a piano down a mine?

A flat miner

Pee Jokes More Pee Jokes

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl peeing?

Because P is silent.

What did the toilet say to the pee?

urine