Life Jokes

What did Redditor Jesus say to Lazarus?

I see your dead body and raise you back to life (NSFL)

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Why did Mario lose a life?

He stubbed his MiyamoToe. ...I'll see my way out.

Why are Asians not optimistic?

Because they have a limited view of life.

What did the cheese maker say to his son after he dropped the cheese?

That's no whey to go through life, son.

Why are men afraid of the world?

They spend 9 months trying to get out of a woman and the rest of their life trying to get back in.

What do you call a wizard with a good outlook on life?

An Opti-Mystic.

What's life like in the year 3000?

It's pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

What did the spider say to the bee ?

Your honey or your life !

How's my life?

Let's just say I'm starting a lot of sentences with "let's just say".

Who's to say tomorrow won't be the best day of your life?

A statistician.

Where have you been my whole life?

I said "SOBER"

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What's a life without manitees?

A life with out porpoise.

Why was the Headless Horseman depressed?

He could never seem to get ahead in life.

What is twitter?

3. Twitter is beautiful. 4. What is life

What did the CPU say to the RAM?

Sorry to cache you out but I want the data closer. The RAM replied: you're right, "life" is too short.

Where have you been all my life?

Please go back there.

What is it called when a Redditor writes about his life?

A meme-oir

How dare you complain about your life?

Someone's mom is Snooki.

What's on a gangster artist's t-shirt?

Still Life.

What do men and hardwood flooring have in common?

Lay 'em right the first time and you can walk all over them the rest of your life!

Why don't we wait for life on other planets to find us?

Why do we have to do all the work

Why do we all marry?

because romance is not the only element of life, we should also know horror, terror, suspense, irony, stupidity and tragedy of life!

What is life?

Where am I going & -What the hell is a "spokes" person for a bike company called

Why didn't the astronauts land on the moon?

Because it was full. * (from a taffy taffy wrapper--oh my god what am I doing with my life)

Why does Dracula always travel with his coffin?

Because his life is at stake.

Why will the ghost never succeed in life?

He's too eeriesponsible!!!!

What did the dyslexic man do when life gave him lemons?

He made melon-ade

Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?

Because his whole life he's Ben Solo

How do tree surgeons live?

Life on the hedge!

What is something that can breakdance on the floor only once on their life?

A fish

Why are hipsters the oldest known form of life?

They were on the Earth before it was cool.

Why do Butchers don't risk it all in life?

Because the Steaks are too high.

Why did the Wise Man get 25 to life?

Myrrhder

What do you do if life gives you melons?

You're dyslexic.

Why do rpg characters like potions so much?

Because they're always the life of the party!

What do you call someone who isn't a redhead but colors there hair red later in life?

A trans-ginger

Why do artists die early in life?

Too many strokes.

How did the coprophilic marine respond when asked what the most important thing in life was?

Duty. Honor.

Why is Kylo Ren so lonely all the time?

He's Ben Solo his whole life

How do you know when you should get a puppy?

When life's getting a little ruff ...I'll see myself out

What's the difference between math and meth?

One of them ruins your life. The other's just meth.

What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider?

Life is like a box of chocolates...

How many "All Lives Matter" protesters does it take to change a light bulb?

None, because they keep on asking why all of the other light bulbs in the house aren't being changed at the same time.

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Half Life Jokes More Half Life Jokes

What would happen if the Illuminati and Half-Life 3 agreed with each other?

Illuminati and Half-Life 3 conformed.

Why did the angry skeptic keep ignoring official reports about the eventual release of Half-Life 3?

He was blowing off Steam

Half Life 3 Jokes More Half Life 3 Jokes

Why isn't Half-Life 3 coming out?

Because 2 Half-Lives = 1 whole life.

What would happen if the Illuminati and Half-Life 3 agreed with each other?

Illuminati and Half-Life 3 conformed.

Romance Jokes More Romance Jokes

Why don't dyslexics like the story of King Arthur?

They think it's about the romance and majesty of Camelto.

Why do we all marry?

because romance is not the only element of life, we should also know horror, terror, suspense, irony, stupidity and tragedy of life!

Terror Jokes More Terror Jokes

What do you call dangerous precipitation?

A rain of terror

Why do we all marry?

because romance is not the only element of life, we should also know horror, terror, suspense, irony, stupidity and tragedy of life!

Need Jokes More Need Jokes

What do you need to split a photon?

A lightsabre

What's the difference between a public park and a public toilet?

I need to know before my court date on Monday.

Suspense Jokes More Suspense Jokes

What is one of the funniest simple joke you have ever heard?

Literally... made you die laughing e.g. Why did the monkey fall of the tree bc it died e.g. How do you keep an idiot in suspense

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?

I'll get back to you in a few weeks

Come Jokes More Come Jokes

What do pimples and catholic priests have in common?

They both start coming on boys' faces around age 13.

How is it May already?

Day coming up tomorrow where people who don't know how calendars work tweet.

Irony Jokes More Irony Jokes

What is the opposite of irony?

Wrinkly.

Why is Tina Fey so good with her use of irony?

It's in the name...