Think Jokes

Why is the Math Book so sad?

It has so many problems! -Sorry doing a whole bunch of math today and i thought of this.

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What do John Mellencamp and Ashton Kutcher have in common?

They both picked up a Cougar and then thought better of it.

What did one saggy t*t say to the other saggy t*t?

If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts!

What did the soap say to the hands as they were being washed?

I think we're in sink."

What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns?

I think he would be most strict on nail gun control. (Credit to Taylor on PKA)

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road?

Do they really think someone will take it Do you think I should wash it first

What you hope someone might say about you when they approach your casket?

Hey, I think he moved.

What do burgers think when they are surrounded by gherkins?

They think they are in a pickle.

What do you guys think of message boards?

I'm all forum.

When are you going to learn to drive?

I don't think they feel very safe in my taxi.

What do you call a teacher that's always late?

Mr. Bus (think about it)

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Who is the prettiest of my friends?

Me: your mother, why W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

Why do blondes smile when it's lightning?

A. Because, they think they are having their picture taken.

What do you think of Miles Davis?

he kind of blew

Why did the door to door sales man get nervous and run away?

He was selling In-Security Heh yeah i dunno i thought it up in a dream and I'm still half asleep bye

Why don't all Libertarian candidates have dwarfism?

I thought Libertarians believed in small government.

How many kids do you think Wolverine has?

Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn't look like he'd wear a rubber or pull out.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?

A. A power failure.

Why were the 2 in love melons upset?

Because they cantaloupe. (The wife thought of this one... hopefully nobody else has posted it)

Why can't you be the king I know?

The king you have inside you SIMBA: That doesn't make sense. I think I'd remember if I ate a king.

Who do you think you are, Baryshnikov?

Get over yourself.

Who was that coughing in the background?

Me : Oh, that was Denise. Dad: Oh, da' niece I thought it was da' nephew. Buh dum tsssssssss

Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I'm not a real superhero. I'm tired of being walked all over. *Jesus enters Aquaman: Dammit!

Why did the T.V. break up with the remote?

She thought he was too controlling.

Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low?

A: She thought it was Diet Coke.

How is Ellen Pao so good at driving Reddit into the ground?

I thought Asian women couldn't drive &amp#3232&amp#3232

Why did the woman turn to her husband and say "now who the hell would dump such a nice sofa out here in the woods?

She was looking at a bear and thought it was a sofa due to the four legs.

What did everyone think?

STEVE: PAUL: JANE: SARAH: MARK: DAVE:

Why did the lady stare at the orange juice?

Because she thought it was telling her to concentrate!

How many Biology undergrads does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but doing it will make them think they're going to be an electrician in the future.

How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

You're still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!"

Dad, can you put my shoes on?

I don't think they'll fit me.

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Long Distance Jokes More Long Distance Jokes

What's the difference between Americans and Europeans?

For an European 500 Miles is a long distance, for an American 500 years are a long History

What's got six legs and can fly long distances ?

Three swallows !

Popcorn Jokes More Popcorn Jokes

What did the baby corn say to the Mom corn ?

Where is Popcorn

What did baby corn say to mumma corn?

Where's popcorn

Explain Jokes More Explain Jokes

How many times does a blonde laugh at a joke?

Three times - Once when you tell it, once when you explain it, and once when she gets it.

Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"?

Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

Orn Jokes More Orn Jokes

What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"? What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"?

What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"? "FIRETRUCK"!!! What were you thinking? What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"? ..."POPCORN"!! What were you thinking?!?!?!

What starts with "P" and ends with "ORN"?

It's "popcorn"! What were you thinking?!

Sarcasm Jokes More Sarcasm Jokes

What's the difference between sarcasm and a serious statement?

What're you asking me for I have Asperger's.

Why can't you use sarcasm with a kleptomaniac?

Because they take things literally.

American Jokes More American Jokes

Why couldn't the American fly home from Russia after the Olympics?

Because he was Snow'den.

How do you call Canadian people?

Unarmed Americans.

People Jokes More People Jokes

Why do some people cough alot?

Because they drink to much coughee.

Why do people admire pirates so much?

They have nerves of steal.

1 Jokes More 1 Jokes

How many blondes does it take to screw a light bulb??

Just 1...blondes will screw anything.

Why did the Irish woman only put 239 beans into her bean soup?

Because 1 more would have been 240...