Think Jokes

Why do you think you'd be a good fit at our firm?

GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN'T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:

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How would it be living in an only men city?

I think it would be tight at first, but then it would loosen up after a while.

Who do you think was sent to cover the story of the baby lion born in the zoo?

A cub reporter.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

Q. They think their picture is being taken.

How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

The patients get better and leave. Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God. The staff have the keys!

Why did Bossy tell the cowpoke to leave her calf alone?

She thought children should be seen and not herded!

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?

The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.

Why you cannot think of landing a job or business without internet?

No connection

Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife. Police: Then why are you reporting it now Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

What did you think of the chapter on frogs?

Biologist 2: Oh it was quite ribbiting.

How many mottophobics does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Who do you think broke the filament in the first place

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Who's there ! Chicken ! Chicken who ?

Chicken your pockets - I think your keys are there !s

What do you call an alligator that wins a race?

A chompion. (7-year old me thought he was very clever.)

How many Biology undergrads does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but doing it will make them think they're going to be an electrician in the future.

What did Stevie Wonder think when he got a cheese grater for christmas?

That it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

What do mosquitoes think of people who wear bug spray?

They are just OFF-full

What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?

I think we should sea otter people.

Why did Michael Jackson call Boyz II Men?

Because he thought it was a delivery service.

Why did the dog's friends send her home from the bar when she started to act strange?

They thought she might have been slipped a woofie.

Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?

A. The thought had never entered his head before.

How do you think I feel?

I have to walk home alone"

What do you call it when the women in the back of a mexican brothel talk after working all night?

Whorechata. Probably my best original, lemme know what you think.

Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"?

Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

What do you think about the coming battle General?

God knows it will be lost. - Then why should we go for it - To find out who is the loser.

What do you think astronauts wear to keep warm?

Girl: Apollo neck jumpers

What's faster, the speed of thought or the speed of light?

Neither, it's diarrhea. Before you could think about it or even turn the lights on, you've already shat yourself.

Why do bronies get so upset about the friendzone?

I thought friendship was magic

What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?

A thought.

What does Matthew McConaughey think about an all white, Republican Government?

Altright, altright, altright

What was the first think Queen Elizabeth did on ascending to the throne ?

Sat down !

Where do you think you're going at this hour?

gun hangs head & turns around

What's the difference between cab drivers and F1 drivers?

F1 driver doesn't think he's a cab driver

What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?

I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

What's your strongest weakness?

Candidate: ... *Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up M: It's a trick question. You're hired!

How many magazines did the racquetball footwear company make before going out of business?

Tennis shoes (Also: can anyone think of a more succinct buildup It seems kinda unwieldy to me)

How do you outsmart a chicken?

By thinking outside the bawks.

What flavor is it?

I think you mean 'what scent is it ' *with a mouthful of candle wax* -What

Why do people think Henry the Sixth was a Norseman?

Because he was a VI KING.

What do you think you're doing parking your car there?

Motorist: I thought it was good place. It says "Safety Zone."

How many movie directors does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Just one but he wants to do it thirty-two times and when he's done everyone thinks that his last lightbulb was much better.

What if the lion's too close?

picking up tiny stool "we've thought of that"

Why do cows think cooks are mean?

They whip cream!

What did grandpa say before he kicked the bucket?

How far do you think i can kick this bucket Also, Why did the chicken cross the road He was in the bucket(/spoiler)

Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps?

Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.

Why did the Egyptian kid in therapy?

Because he thought his daddy was his mummy.

Why did Michael Jackson call Boys 2 Men?

He thought they were a delivery service

What color do you think Eddie Smurphy was?

Blue, you racists

What are you doing today?

2: 'Well, I think I can really push my limits' 1: 'Oh right, are you sure ' 2: 'I'm definite'.

What's the last thing you want to see on the reddit frontpage?

This joke. PS: You don't think so Prove me wrong.

What do you call a witness to an event in the Middle East?

A Dubaistander. Yeah I thought of it myself.

What's the Pirates favorite letter?

Ya think it be the Arrrr, but it's really the C.

Why did the spotted pigs run away?

They thought the traveling salesman told the farmer to put his name on the dotted swine.

Why such hate on Lance Armstrong?

I think his riding style is pretty dope.

What have you been doing" asked Jane. "Chasing a herd of elephants on vines" "Really ?

said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground !"

How does a SQL expert get a date?

getDate() (I really hope this doesn't do well, so cheap, so stupid, just had to write it when I thought of it)

How many fingers do I have up?

a gynecologist who thinks he's really funny

What do you call a horse that's thinking of home?

Mentally in-stable.

Why did 6 and 8 dislike 7?

They thought 7 was pretty odd.

How much do you think I will be losing with this?

Pharmacist replies: Well ... around 200 bucks.

Why did the rabbit run out of the fast-food restaurant?

He thought he heard someone order a quarter pounder on a toasted bunny.

How do you make an idiot think he's a duck?

Tell him he's a duck.

What did the teacher think of your idea?

Son: She took it like a lamb Teacher: Really what did she say Son: Baa!

What did Hamlet say when he was thinking of sending a message?

To e or not to e that is the question.

Why's the couch smell like pee?

Flashback to me watching The Ring alone Me: *points at son* I think someone had another "accident."

What are they both thinking?

Don't look down.

Why did the pirate date the mermaid?

He thought finding X in her algebra would lead to booty.

Why did the gambler think he was in heaven?

He found his pair a' dice!

Why were you driving around in circles and laughing?

Motorist: I thought I was on a merry-go-round.

What do you call a hard working midget?

A little elbow grease just thought of this one

How do you think the whole Deflategate situation feels to Tom Brady now?

Probably doesn't feel how he prefers it to...

What did one hand say to the other?

Help, I think I'm in glove".

When I lose faith in humanity, I think of Chili's just handing out sick, light-up beepers, trusting us to return them. And know what?

We do.

What's the average IQ of a psychopath?

AWWW, HE THINKS I'M REALLY SMART.

What did they do to the burger who thought he was a rooster?

Cook-a-doodle-do!

Why is your shirt on wrong?

Daughter: I think you old people call it: "second base"

What do feminists and Redditors have in common?

They both have multiple triggers that will cause them to down vote those who don't think the exact same way as them.

Why did that guy shoot up the church in South Carolina?

He thought it was the white thing to do.

Who else would've stolen it?

You think a burglar broke in and was like "Cute top!"

What do you get when you slice ice cream?

Slice cream! ... I think I'll join the reposting group now...

What shoes are hard to wear?

Dark Soles Terrible gaming pun. My friend posted this on FB, thought I would share.

What are we supposed to do about it?

Dad replies: "I don't know honey, but I think, hitting him would be very wrong."

Which is the best kind of dinosaur to play hide &amp seek with?

An I-Don't-Think- He-Saurus

What's ten inches long and white?

Not a damn thing! I thought it was time we had some racist jokes towards someone who isn't black for once D

Why aren't there any B batteries?

Because people might think you have a stutter.

Why do some people think Python scripting is offensive?

Because white space matters. hehee

Why did the boy stand behind the horse?

He thought he might get a kick out of it!

How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE'S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

What's the craic?

2: Not much, Brian. I had a pint yesterday. 1: Oh! Really I thought you were only 15 2: I am! 1: So what was it Guiness 2: No, it was water.

What do you think is wrong with me?

You have a broken finger!

What's the difference between an American and a Briton?

Britons think 200 miles is a long distance, and American's think 200 years is a long time.

What game are you watching?

I wonder what she thought I was doing with my hands.

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

Christopher Walken. (Not sure if it's a repost, but I don't think I've seen it posted here.)

Why are people so worried about Hurricane Matthew's wind speeds?

I thought CAT4 was capped at 16Mbps.

What does a dyslexic,agnostic and insomniac spend most of his time doing?

Staying up all night thinking if there really is a dog

What do you think you're going to be doing in 5 years?

Me: I dont know, I dont have 2020 vision

Where do I see myself in ten years?

I don't know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*

Why are you begging for a quarter?

Beggar: I didn't think someone like you would give me a dollar.

What's your job?

Programming. "What's your hobby " Programming. "What do you do when you're not programming " Think about programming.

When someone asks "You know what I think?

I say "Yes I do". End of discussion.

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?

Twerky! I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.

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