Table Jokes

Why didn't the table want to be sat on?

He wasn't a charitable guy

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What did the Olive say when it fell off the table?

I'll live...

Why do midgets make bad parents?

Cause they struggle to put food on the table

How do you get out?

You look in the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and saw the table in half. Two half's make a whole, go through the hole.

What's best about hiring an immigrant midget?

You pay them under the table )

Why did the couch give the table a dollar?

Because it was for chair-ity

What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants?

What do you call a couch, chair, and a table made out of plants? Ferniture.

Why did the student do their multiplication problems on the floor?

Their teacher told them not to use tables!

What's the difference between an arts student and a table?

A table can support itself

Why are you guys all sitting on the same side of the table?

DaVinci

When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for two?

I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see her too ".

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Who has one thumb and isn't allowed to use the table saw anymore?

This guy.

How big was the ant when it knocked over the table?

giANT!!

What was the most pivotal point in Jesus' ministry?

When he turned the tables on the Temple vendors!

What sounds like a robot and bumps into tables?

Stephen Hawking.

Whats your biggest weakness?

I'm bad at taking compliments" "Actually that's quite endearing" *Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

How's your meal?

i've dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table

What was Lincoln's worst decision as President?

He should have asked for a table, instead of a Booth

What shape is your table?

A: Um, round But that's not really... R: Got it

What's wrong with these eggs I ordered?

Waiter: Don't ask me. I only laid the table.

Why Mark?

I never take drugs. - I say stay away!! Or the drugs will fall from the table!!

Why won't pigs take up jogging?

They don't like to get that far from the table.

What do you call something that swims, is big and has 4 legs?

A whale with a table taped to it.

Why was the egg laughing when it fell off the table?

Because it cracked itself up.

What did the retires baker say to the Dough on the table?

I don't knead you anymore.

Why did the table love playing volleyball?

Because it was always getting set! I think she gets it from her mother.

Who's there ! Amanda ! Amanda who ?

Amanda the table!

What is small, crying and cannot get under the table?

A child with pitchfork in his back

A SQL query walks into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks...

'Can I join you?'

3 SQL statements walk into a NoSQL bar. Soon, they walk out

They couldn't find a table.

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He Was Snowed In(Snowden) )

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?

You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.

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What happened to sneaking out and getting drunk in the woods?

Teenagers these days be all "I hate you mom I'm joining ISIS."

Why do elephants wear green shoes?

So they can sneak across pool tables. Have you ever seen an elephant sneaking across a pool table? Works, doesn't it?

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What would be the perfect theme song to Oscar Pistorius kicking trying to kick down a bathroom door?

Good Vibrations

What do you you say when a monk tries to kick you out of the monastery ?

Namaste

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Why is AIDS cooler than Forrest Gump?

Because AIDS gets the girl

What do you call a steak that is a girl?

Miss.Steak

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What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear?

Shot it!

Why did the bros take a shot of alcohol together?

Because if one bro takes a shot, the other takes a slug! #Bromanceforlife #Dietogether

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What do you get when you mix a monkey and a midget?

Tom Cruise

What happens when a midget smokes weed?

He gets medium.

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What did the judge ask when he went to the dentist?

Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth

Why is Oedipus against swearing?

He kisses his mother with that mouth!

Fall Jokes More Fall Jokes

Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff?

She was wearing mittens

Why did Sally fall down the hill?

I pushed her.