Italian Jokes

How did the Italians lose WWII?

They ordered ziti instead of shells.

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What's the Italian word for suppository?

Innuendo

Why do Italians make good spies?

Because they're masters of "DEESE GUYS!"

Why did the Italian boy want to grow a mustache?

A: So he could look like his mama.

What do you call an Italian guy wearing a flourescent track suit?

A DayGlo Dago

What do you call the Italian slums?

The spaghettos.

What did the Italian bigfoot say when someone yelled, "Hey Abominable Snowman, are you ready to go?

Not-a-Yeti"

What do you call an Italian at the World Cup Finals?

A referee

How can you tell an Italian witch from an English one ?

By her suntan !

What sound does an Italian American microwave make?

Bada bing!

What do you call an Italian suppository?

Innuendo.

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What did the Italian say when 6 curses were removed from him?

Hexagon.

How many Italians does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan.

What do you call an Italian guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

What does an Italian... What does an Italian have when one arm is shorter than the other?

A speech impediment. AY!

How do Italian Chefs swap recipes?

By Spaghett-e-mail!

What are an Italian bench warmer's favorite vegetables?

Asparagi!

When is the only appropriate time to spit in an Italian woman's face?

When her mustache is on fire!

How do you know the rules of football was written by an Italian?

You switch sides at half time.

Why did the Italian miss his dinner?

It'a was'a pasta his bed time

What do you call Italian women in a sauna?

A: Gorillas In The Mist!

What do you call it if you put an IED on an Italian?

Rigatoni!

What's the difference between virgin olive oil and extra virgin olive oil?

thick Italian accent* "She don't even touch it."

What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?

One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.

What does the Italian cat say?

Cheow!

What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called?

A: Ptera Don

How do you make an Italian deaf?

Tie their hands behind their back.

Why can't an Italian snake talk?

Because it doesn't have any hands.

What was the Italian hot tub that was so small it's occupants always bumped into each other called?

Ja-scusi.

Why are south italian men so small?

Because when they are kids their mothers always tell them: "If you grow up you have to work" *Translated from italian hope it makes as much sense as there

Why should you always knock before opening the refrigerator?

Because there might be an Italian dressing.

What do you call a sketchy Italian neighborhood?

A spaghetto

What do you call authentic Italian wine harvested in January?

Genuwine.

What do you call an Italian that has taken Viagra?

Al dente

This joke may have profanity.

What do you call a lazy Italian at the gym?

Mussolini

What's another word for Italian cologne?

Garlic

Why does the Italian pasta maker always get locked out of his house?

because he has gnocchi

Why couldn't the Italian get into his house?

Because he had gnocchi.

How can you tell if someone is Italian?

They'll tell you.

What is an Italian mobster's favorite cooking oil?

Cannoli Oil.

What happened when the Italian chef died?

He pasta away

What do you call... What do you call an Italian romance novel model who's let himself go?

Flabio.

Why Did the Italian Go to the Sauna?

For a self'a steam.

What do you call an Italian Yeti?

A Spaghyeti!

Where do impoverished Italians live?

In the spaghetto

What happened to the pimp who ate too much Italian food?

He got Pasta-toots.

Why are Italians so good at football?

Because it involves changing sides halfway through.

Why don't they let Italians swim in Long Island Sound?

If you know that one, try this one: Why do seagulls fly to the dump

Where did the poor Italian man grow up?

The spaghetto

What is an Italian's favorite type of breakfast?

Serie-a*l

Why couldn't the Italian chef get into his restaurant?

Gnocchi.

What do you get when you cross an (italian) with a gorilla?

A retarded gorilla. (Can be modified to offend any nationality or group)

What did the Mexican say to the Italian?

Que pasta

What do you call an Italian whore?

A pastatute. I'll see myself out.

This joke may have profanity.

What did the Italian chef say when his boss tried to pick a fight?

You wanna pizza me !

What do you call an Italian reggae enthusiast?

A pastafarian

What do you get when you cross the Italian mafia with the Russian mafia?

Thrown in a lake.

What do you call an Italian mobster who specializes in cold coffee drinks?

Al Frap-Pacino

What kind of railway is an Italian engineer's favourite?

Funicula

What does an Italian cow say when he gets an extra delivery of hay to the barn?

That's amorehay!

How many retarded Italian gardeners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One but don't expect results.

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Wittness?

They don't like any witnesses.

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Renaissance Jokes More Renaissance Jokes

What do you call a Renaissance snack?

A DaVincheese curl

What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?

A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia.

Swiss Jokes More Swiss Jokes

What do you call a swiss priest?

A Holy Cheese!

Where does a burger go on vacation?

The Swiss (cheese) Alps or The Cheeseapeake Valley!

Mother Jokes More Mother Jokes

What's the penalty for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

Why did the mother feed her newborn lamb?

Because it's baby food.

Urinate Jokes More Urinate Jokes

What did the police officer say to the man who was urinating publicly?

Urine trouble, mate!"

What do you call the feeling of being unable to urinate beside a friend?

PEEr pressure!

Cook Jokes More Cook Jokes

What do you call a badly cooked beef?

A misteak.

Who's there? Orange. Orange who?

Orange you glad I painfully waited until I was done cooking your food to take a poop?

Want Jokes More Want Jokes

What did the circus owner say to the human-cannonball when the he wanted to retire?

How will I ever find another performer of your caliber? (Source: a dad on thanksgiving)

Why did the book join the police?

He wanted to work undercover.

Translate Jokes More Translate Jokes

What does "Maginot Line" get translated to in English?

Speed bump ahead

Why are south italian men so small?

Because when they are kids their mothers always tell them: "If you grow up you have to work" *Translated from italian hope it makes as much sense as there

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill?

One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.

What's the difference between a BMW and a hedgehog?

On a hedgehog the pricks are on the outside.