Soviet Jokes

Which is the most communist vegetable?

The soviet Onion

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How do Soviet prison mates greet each other?

Gulag to you too.

What do you say when a corrupt Soviet takes a bathroom break right before war?

Now you're just Stallin.

What does it take to make Mother Russia pregnant?

A soviet seamen

Why did Soviet dictator always drive an automatic transmission?

He was always Stalin in his manual!

What does a Russian use to wipe their mouth?

a soviet

Why are the Soviets Russian?

Because there's no Stalin.

What does a neckbeard tip his fedora to in soviet russia?

M'otherland"

What does a soviet call someone with good vision?

Glasnots.

What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia?

Linen

What do they tell Soviet children who want to achieve their dreams?

Shoot for the Tsars.

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What do you call the cook on a Soviet battleship?

The khrushchev

Why did the Soviet union fail?

Too much Stalin'. Yeah it's bad but it made me giggle when I thought of it... :P

Why do soviet policemen travel in groups of three?

One to read, one to write, and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals.

What do you get when you cross a lima bean with a Soviet?

A Lenintil...

How many Soviets does it take to change a light bulb?

None! In Soviet Russia, light bulb changes you!

Why did the Soviets decide to be Russian?

Cuz they got tired of Stalin.

What was Carl Sagan really trying to say about the brain?

In Soviet Russia, consciousness regulates the cerebral cortex.

Why didn't anyone drive stick in Soviet Russia?

They were afraid of Stalin.

How do they cook a turkey in Russia?

They nuke it. OR In Soviet Russia, Turkey fires you!

What do you think about the Russian military intervention in Krimea?

I think they're just Stalin. If they are, soviet, as long as they're Putin their weapons away.

Why did the Russians use peanuts for torture in the Cold War?

Because in Soviet Russia, Nut Cracks You!

Which country has the most crying people per km?

The Soviet Onion

Why did the Soviets pull their missiles out?

Because they feared a premature ejectulation

What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?

A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

Why do Soviets use lowercase letters?

Because they don't understand CAPitalism

What happens when the USSR gets back together?

A Soviet Reunion.

What is it with Russians and their track suits?

Because back in Soviet day, suit track you.

What do communists put in their soup?

Soviet Onions.

What happens when a soviet and a german have a child?

I don't know but he can conquer poland really fast.

Why did the Soviets implement 5 year plans instead of 4 year plans?

Cuz they were stalin'!

What do you call a Soviet ruler dancing on a cracker?

Putin on the Ritz. *ba-dum tsh*

Why did the soviet plane crash?

It was stalin

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What do you call a bolshevik in a hurry?

A rushin' russian.

What do you call a fish in a hurry?

Salman Rushdie.

Tour Jokes More Tour Jokes

What's your favourite animal joke?

I give tours at a zoo. Each tour goes for a couple of hours so it is good to engage the guests and make the tour a bit more fun. What is your favourite animal joke I can use at work?

What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?

A: A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!

Definition Jokes More Definition Jokes

What's the definition of "de javu"?

Jokes on

What's the definition of a Yankee?

A. Same thing as a "quickie" only you do it yourself.

Shoot Jokes More Shoot Jokes

Why are criminals so good at basketball?

They shoot first and ask questions later.

What do cells say when their sister shoots their foot?

Mitosis

Soviet Union Jokes More Soviet Union Jokes

Why is everyone in the Soviet Union always in a hurry?

Why is everyone in the Soviet Union is always in a hurry? They're all Russian.

Why couldn't the Soviet Union get anything done?

They were always either Russian or Stalin.

Greet Jokes More Greet Jokes

How do genetically engineered car salesmen from Boston greet their customers?

Hey, gattaca? GATTACA?

How does a Facebook employee greet each other?

Hey there, whatsapp!!

Lenin Jokes More Lenin Jokes

What was Lenin's favourite film?

Tsar Wars episode III: Revenge of the scythe.

What do you call a red lemon?

a Lenin. )

Fedora Jokes More Fedora Jokes

What do you call Dora the Explorer in an Iron Man suit?

FeDora I'll see myself out.

What OS does an atheist run on their computer?

Fedora. For Linux n00bs(https://getfedora.org/)