Bartender Jokes

What's the difference between a mixologist and a bartender?

About ten minutes.

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How do you pay a bartender?

With bar tender.

What did the bartender say to the girl that tried to steal a drink?

It was worth a shot.

What did the bartender say to the alien?

You're drunk ET, go home!"

Why would Bart Simpson never go to a pub?

Because there's a BartEnder there.

What did the drunk Chinese customer say to the bartender?

No have to cut me off. Fall off barstool by myself. end metajoke

Why does Jesus and bartenders have so much in common?

Bcoz they are single, have no kids, got nailed and serve alcoholic beverage.

Why the long face ?

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender: why the long face ? Horse: because I'm a raging alcoholic.

What do you call a bartender giving two dolphins a drink?

Serving dual porpoises!

What did the bartender say to the giraffe when he ordered a beer?

Long neck or giraffed?

What did the straight edge ghost say to the bartender?

No boos for me.

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What did the bartender say to the horse?

bartender: Why the long face Horse: My alcoholism is destroying my family.

What will you be having to drink?

Harambe: I'll have just ice. Bartender: Just ice Me: Yes, justice for Harambe.

Why the wrong face?

the bartender says.

How much for a beer?

The bartender replies: "For you No charge."

What'll ya have?

Cat: Shot of rum. Bartender pours it Cat slowly pushes it off the bar Cat: Another.

What did the bartender say when oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium, and phosphorous walked into his bar?

OH SNaP!

What did the brown dwarf say to the bartender?

I'd like a Corona, please.

Why the sad face?

asks the bartender. "I got fired."

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?

A: Ok you 2 dont start anything

How much for a drink?

The bartender replies, "For you No charge."

What did the Canadian eel say when the bartender asked him if he'd had enough?

No, I think I'd like some more-ay.

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables?

You better not try to start anything.

Why the long pause?

asks the bartender. The bear replies "Well, I am a bear"

How'd ya get that?

asked the bartender. "From my husband," she replied. "But I thought he was out of town " he asked. "So did I!" she said.

What did the bartender say to the angry speaker?

We don't want any treble

What did the bartender say to the foreskin?

You're cut off."

What did the alcoholic Dad, away on business, say to the bartender at the hotel bar?

I'm ready to partiem with my perdiem *sorry, not a dad, and the bar tender didn't laugh either

When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?

The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

Who's the new guy?

And the bartender says, I don't know, but I've heard he's a shady character!

What's a girl gotta do to get a drink?

Me: You just give the bartender your order. Her: ... Me: It's really pretty easy. Her: *leaves*

What will it be?

asks the bartender. "ATCGGCAGGCTTCAGTTGCA" says the DNA molecule.

What can I get you ?

Harambe: I'll have a beer. Man: No, he'll have just ice. Bartender: Just ice Man: Yes, justice for Harambe.

What do you mean I can't drink alcohol with this medication?

You're not a bartender! You're just a pharmacist.

What in the world is this?

The bartender says, "Central Park."

When the bartender asks you what's in a Ryan Lochte?

Just say "I don't know, make something up"

When he finishes drinking, he pulls out his wallet and say to the Bartender, "How much?

The Bartender says, "For you No charge."

How much will that be?

asks the neutron. "For you " replies the bartender, "no charge."

What does a bartender give you when you need the feeling of a strong drink, but you're not allowed ton consume alcohol?

Xanax since he's a Bartender

What did the bartender say to the gold when the gold walked into a bar?

AU, get outta here!"

How do you encourage a bartender?

That's the spirit!" How do you discourage a bartender Boos.

Where is all the color white?

Bartender says, "dude, this is a gray bar.

A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...

I'm sorry, we don't serve food here

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?"

Pop,goes the weasel.

A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

Bartender says, "here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!"

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How do you encourage a bartender?

That's the spirit!" How do you discourage a bartender Boos.

What saying is discouraged in both the USA and North Korea?

The South Will Rise Again

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What's the name of Michael J Fox's dry-cleaner?

Park and Sons. /Park en sons/ http://i157.photobucket.com/albums/t57/Thomzilla/Fazed/michaeljfoxshakennotstirred.gif

Who is James Bond's favorite bartender?

Michael J Fox

Boo Jokes More Boo Jokes

What has four legs and goes 'Boo'?

A cow with a cold.

What did the straight edge ghost say to the bartender?

No boos for me.

Wallet Jokes More Wallet Jokes

When he finishes drinking, he pulls out his wallet and say to the Bartender, "How much?

The Bartender says, "For you No charge."

What do you get when you fart on your wallet?

Gas money

Pay Jokes More Pay Jokes

How are whores and movies alike?

You pay up front for both and even if it's bad, you don't get a refund for either.

Whats the least paying job?

British dentist.

Harambe Jokes More Harambe Jokes

What's the difference between bullets and everyone ?

Everyone misses Harambe.

Why did Richard leave his home this morning?

For Harambe.

Drink Jokes More Drink Jokes

Where do graphic designers go for a drink?

CGI Friday's

What's warm, white, and I drink almost every night?

Warm milk before bed... Get your mind out of the gutter!

Spirit Jokes More Spirit Jokes

What do you call ghosts that haunt liquor stores?

Spirits

What does a college kid do when confronted by an evil spirit?

He drinks it just like he drinks every other kind of spirit.