Drink Jokes

Why didn't Isaac Newton drink wine?

He knew better than to drink and derive.

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What is the only type of alcohol muslims are allowed to drink?

TAKBEER!

What's that awful thing called... M: ... J: You wake up with it after you drink?

M: Linda.

What do you call a crocodile when it robs drinks?

Gator-raid. &lt3 edit: Learned the difference between a crocodile and alligator.

Where does a Martian go for a drink?

A Mars Bar

What did the German physicist use to drink his beer?

Ein stein. - From Big Nate, as told by my kid.

What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea?

He died in his teepee

Why won't the ocean let us drink its water?

Because it's too salty.

Where do terrorists like to go for a drink?

The Allahu Ak Bar

What's a snowman's favorite drink?

Bartender: idk Me: Brrrr-bon lol Bartender: ... Me: jk snowmen don't drink they aren't real

Why don't math majors like to drink alcohol?

Because they don't like to drink and derive.

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Why cant people with no feet drink milk?

Because they are lack toes intolorent.

Why do anarchists only drink herbal infusions?

Because proper tea is theft.

What kind of wine does ISIS drink?

White Infidel.

What's the difference between a camel and a Russian?

A camel can walk for 30 days without drinking but a Russian can drink for 30 days without walking.

Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?

Because she was drinking on the job.

What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren't my kid are you

What do you call a self help book for a Country Music singer?

Drink, Pray, Truck

What did the Scotsman say when he went for another drink?

Hey, where'd my Glascow "

Why do Americans drink their tea cold?

Because it takes too long to boil Boston Harbor.

What's the difference between a tea bag and a used tampon?

What's the Difference between a tea bag and a used tampon - I dunno... - I'm never drinking tea at your house again then!

What do you get if you drink too much Gin?

A double Gin

Who makes a drinking sound like this makes drinking sound?

GEORGE GRASHINGTON!

How many Irish guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

30 - One to hold the light bulb and 29 to drink until the room spins.

Why bother drinking water?

You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.

When he finishes drinking, he pulls out his wallet and say to the Bartender, "How much?

The Bartender says, "For you No charge."

What should you wear when drinking tea?

A tea-shirt.

How do you know you're drinking too many protein shakes?

You've had whey too much!

Why does ISIS drink instant coffee?

Because they hate French press!

What do you call someone who throws up after drinking too much orange soda?

Fantastic

What is a crowbar?

A: A place were crows go to get a drink!

Why did the cow drink his own milk?

He needed the cowlcium.

Why was the hipster drinking milk?

He liked Ice Cream before it was cool

Why do the English drink warm beer?

Lucas refrigerators.

Where do you get a drink on Excel?

Formula bar

What does the man say when he walks into the bar?

Can I please get a drink "

Which drink makes a Gorilla feel tipsy?

An ape-ricot sour!

Why are you ordering so many drinks?

The dog responds, "I've had a ruff day."

How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

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Forget Jokes More Forget Jokes

What do you call a pretzel with roofies in it?

Forget-me-knots!

What is the integral of 1/cabin?

B: "Log cabin!" A: "Nope, Houseboat. You forgot the C."

Confront Jokes More Confront Jokes

What's the first thing you should do when confronted by an evil spirit?

Try to neghostiate.

When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog?

What a creep.

Shake Jokes More Shake Jokes

Why is James Bond a terrible motivational speaker?

Because the audiences are shaken, not stirred.

How many men does it take to make popcorn?

Four one to hold the pot and three to act macho and shake the stove.

Tea Jokes More Tea Jokes

Who's there ! Army Ant ! Army Ant who ?

Army Ants coming for tea then

What tea do hockey players drink?

Penaltea!

Fishing Trip Jokes More Fishing Trip Jokes

Why should you always invite more than one Baptist on a fishing trip?

Because if you only invite one, he'll drink all your beer.

Why do you always need to take 2 baptists on a fishing trip instead of one?

If you take one, he'll drink all of your beer, If you take 2 neither will drink a drop

Math Party Jokes More Math Party Jokes

Why do they never serve a beer at math party?

Because you can't drink and derive

Why shouldn't you drink at a math party?

Because you shouldn't drink and derive.

Cult Jokes More Cult Jokes

What's the difference between a cult and a religion ?

About a couple thousand years.

What is the difference between a church and a cult?

Their Punch.

Horrible Person Jokes More Horrible Person Jokes

What do you call a French human delicacy?

Estruckgo I came up with this while drinking french vodka. I am a horrible person when i drink french vodka.

What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage I do realize this is a sick joke but it still makes me laugh when I hear it. I'm a horrible person