Cat Jokes

How am I not qualified?

Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo "It's a cat actually"

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What's it like to tweet "My cat sneezed" and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

How do you change a cat into a dog?

Soak it in gasoline, hold a match up to it, and "woof!"

What type of wind is named after both a cat and a bat?

Katabatic

What's a good name for a cat?

Catsper.

What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?

A furrycanine

Which cat won the race?

A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.

Why did the cat give birth at the park?

Because the sign at the park said "Fine for Littering"

What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock?

A: Catsup!

What noise does a cat make going down the highway ?

Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow !

What did the cat use to sharpen its claws?

Me. Ow.

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What country do all cats wish to get their food from?

Viet NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM

What noise does a cat make when it drives past really fast?

Meeeeeeeoooooowwwww

Why do cats love small spaces?

cause pussies gotta be tight

This joke may have profanity.

Which is Better, a Cat or a Dog House?

A dog house, because a cat house has no woof!

What did the cat say when he lost all his money ?

I'm paw !

What does a cat say when its trapped in a box?

Let MEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWt

What do you call a cat who uses fake finger prints?

an im-paw-ster.

What do you call a cat that torrents movies?

A copy cat.

Why did the cat go to the hospital?

A: To have a CAT scan done.

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?

In a cat-alogue!

What is the difference between a feminist and a cat?

One of them is annoying, dangerous, hairy, lazy, disgusting and filthy and the other one is just a feminist

Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning?

Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning !

When should a mouse carry an umbrella ?

When it's raining cats and dogs !

How to cats greet each other at Christmas ?

A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year" !

What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool ?

She had mittens !

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?

Because they both have "Sandy claws" !

What does a cat sleep on?

A: A caterpillow.

Where are the posters?

WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! In other room *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

Why does everyone love cats?

A: They're purr-fect!

Why dogs are called K9?

Because cats are K10

What do you call it when a cat howls?

It Meyowls

What do cats read in the morning ?

Mewspapers !

What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?

The cat ate her.

Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?

Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.

What do you call a group of unorganized cats?

A CAT-ASTROPHE!

Where did the cat go when it lost it's tail?

To the retail store!

Why is a frog luckier than a cat ?

Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine times !

How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold ?

He has cat-arrh !

What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite animal?

Well, it was cats, originally, but then he was turned to the dog side.

What's a cats favorite firearm?

A meowser

What do you call a pile of cats?

A Meowtain.

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Ya Jokes More Ya Jokes

How'd ya get that?

asked the bartender. "From my husband," she replied. "But I thought he was out of town " he asked. "So did I!" she said.

Where ya been?

Me: At the cemetery. Her: Someone dead Me: Yeah. All of them.

Qualify Jokes More Qualify Jokes

Why didn't Napoleon qualify for the urgent marrow transplant?

They couldn't get his bonepart

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix?

One I say one.

Trois Jokes More Trois Jokes

Which cat won the race?

A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.

What do you call it when three french cats get into a boat only meant for two?

Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq!

Woof Jokes More Woof Jokes

What movie did Leonardo DiCaprio's dog recently star in?

The Woof of Wall Street.

How do you change a cat into a dog?

Soak it in gasoline, hold a match up to it, and "woof!"

Un Jokes More Un Jokes

Why did the French Hen give up her job?

One day she'd just had un uf.

What's the difference between a virgin and a lightbulb?

You can un-screw a lightbulb.

English Jokes More English Jokes

What gift do you want?

HUSBAND: "An English girl." After a month, wife returns.. HUSBAND: "Where is my gift " WIFE: "Wait for nine months!"

Why was Fam's favorite subject English?

Because it's Lit.

Un Deux Trois ' Cat Jokes More Un Deux Trois ' Cat Jokes

Which cat won the race?

A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.

Who won?

One two three' cat, because 'Un deux trois' cat sank.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a little kid and a lesbian?

A little kid shouldn't run with scissors, a lesbian shouldn't scissor with the runs.

What's the difference between feminism and Islam?

One is demonized by the actions and beliefs of a small minority. The other believes in the wage gap myth.