Cat Jokes

How am I not qualified?

Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo "It's a cat actually"

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Couple's Daily Question Mug

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What's it like to tweet "My cat sneezed" and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

How do you change a cat into a dog?

Soak it in gasoline, hold a match up to it, and "woof!"

What type of wind is named after both a cat and a bat?

Katabatic

What's a good name for a cat?

Catsper.

What do you call a storm that's raining cats and dogs?

A furrycanine

Which cat won the race?

A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.

Why did the cat give birth at the park?

Because the sign at the park said "Fine for Littering"

What do you call a cat when he first wakes up with the alarm clock?

A: Catsup!

What noise does a cat make going down the highway ?

Miaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooow !

What did the cat use to sharpen its claws?

Me. Ow.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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What country do all cats wish to get their food from?

Viet NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM

What noise does a cat make when it drives past really fast?

Meeeeeeeoooooowwwww

Why do cats love small spaces?

cause pussies gotta be tight

This joke may have profanity.

Which is Better, a Cat or a Dog House?

A dog house, because a cat house has no woof!

What did the cat say when he lost all his money ?

I'm paw !

What does a cat say when its trapped in a box?

Let MEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWWt

What do you call a cat who uses fake finger prints?

an im-paw-ster.

What do you call a cat that torrents movies?

A copy cat.

Why did the cat go to the hospital?

A: To have a CAT scan done.

Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?

In a cat-alogue!

What is the difference between a feminist and a cat?

One of them is annoying, dangerous, hairy, lazy, disgusting and filthy and the other one is just a feminist

Why are cats longer in the evening than they are in the morning?

Because they're let out in the evening and taking in in the morning !

When should a mouse carry an umbrella ?

When it's raining cats and dogs !

How to cats greet each other at Christmas ?

A furry merry Christmas & Happy mew year" !

What happened when the cat ate a ball of wool ?

She had mittens !

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?

Because they both have "Sandy claws" !

What does a cat sleep on?

A: A caterpillow.

Where are the posters?

WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED! In other room *cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

Why does everyone love cats?

A: They're purr-fect!

Why dogs are called K9?

Because cats are K10

What do you call it when a cat howls?

It Meyowls

What do cats read in the morning ?

Mewspapers !

What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?

The cat ate her.

Why do cats make better medical technicians than dogs?

Because dogs can't operate MRI machines, but catscan.

What do you call a group of unorganized cats?

A CAT-ASTROPHE!

Where did the cat go when it lost it's tail?

To the retail store!

Why is a frog luckier than a cat ?

Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine times !

How do you know if you cat's got a bad cold ?

He has cat-arrh !

What's Anakin Skywalker's favorite animal?

Well, it was cats, originally, but then he was turned to the dog side.

What's a cats favorite firearm?

A meowser

What do you call a pile of cats?

A Meowtain.

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Dog Meow Jokes More Dog Meow Jokes

How do you make a dog meow?

Put it in the freezer for three days. Run it through a bandsaw. Meoooooow.

How to make a dog meow or your cat bark?

Freeze your dog and then take an angle grinder and use it on your dog and it Will say meeeeeow. Dunk your cat in gasoline and light it on fire and it Will say woof

Un Deux Trois ' Cat Jokes More Un Deux Trois ' Cat Jokes

Which cat made it across?

The second cat because un deux trois cat sank.

Which cat won the race?

A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.

Fire Jokes More Fire Jokes

How do you teach your dog to roll over ?

Put him on fire.

Why was the baker happy when his pie caught fire in the oven?

He was a pieromaniac.

Un Jokes More Un Jokes

How many eggs do the French use in their omelettes?

Just one, because in France one egg is un oeuf.

Which cat won the race?

A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.

Qualify Jokes More Qualify Jokes

What qualifies as a "short stack" of pancakes?

I mean, 2.5 feet is relatively short, right Yes Okay cool. Then I just ate a short stack.

What qualifies you to be a ninja?

Ninja: I just cut your head off. Boss: That's pr--*thump*

Couple Jokes More Couple Jokes

What do you call a couple of Irish guys hiking in the woods?

Trail micks.

When I was a little boy I asked my mum 'how many is a couple?

She replied 'oh, two or three' Now I know why her marriage didn't last long

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

What's the difference between LinkedIn and McDonald's?

McDonald's knows how to use salt

What kind of money do snowmen use?

Iced lolly.

Shot Jokes More Shot Jokes

What's in a Paul Walker shot ?

An Irish car bomb followed by a shot of Fireball

What did the idiot do to the flea in his ear?

Shot it!