Cat Jokes

How do we know cats are communists?

All they ever say is Mao.

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How do you make a cat go 'woof'?

Douse it in gasoline and set it alight.

What did Hamlet say to his cat?

Get thee to a nyanery!

What does a cat say when you tread on its tail?

ME-OW! I am very sorry. Just thought of it and felt like everyone should hear it. Maybe some jokes are better left untold...

How do you make a cat go "meow"?

Take it out of the freezer and run it through a bandsaw.

How many cats does it take for a woman to qualify as a "crazy cat lady?

None. Just a couple of youtube cat videos.

Why was the cat afraid of the tree?

Because of the tree bark.

Why was the cat so small ?

Because it only ate condensed milk !

What did you just do?

CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason* ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she's after both of us*

How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?

Cats

Why was the cat scared of the tree?

Because of its bark

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What do you call a cat that claims it's a lion crossed with a cougar?

A liar.

What time is it when five dogs are chasing a cat down the street?

Five after one.

Why were the vets and pounds mad?

It was raining cats and dogs

How do cats buy things?

A: From a cat-alogue!

Why shouldn't anybody help cats down a tree?

Because they're stuck up

Why can't you ever trust a cat?

Because they are always lion

What do you call a cat who's joined the Red Cross?

A: A first-aid kit!

Who's there ! Cartoon ! Cartoon who ?

Cartoon up just fine she purrs like a cat !

How'd you get the scratches?

flash back to me bathing my cat* -Uh, this chick bro. Yeah.

How can you tell if a cat is blonde?

A: No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its head.

Why do you want to be Jedi?

Imagines using 'the force' to steal everyone's cats and building a cat army To keep the peace

What do you call a cat with eight legs that likes to swim ?

An octopuss !

What do you call the parents of a cat?

His PURR-ents

How do you cause a riot at a cat show?

Open a can

Who's there ! Cat ! Cat who ?

Cat you understand !

What do cats listen to during their free time?

they listen to podcats.

Why are cats bad storytellers?

Because they only have one *tale*

What is a Redditors favorite animal?

A cat because we are lonely... I need friends.

What'll ya have?

Cat: Shot of rum. Bartender pours it Cat slowly pushes it off the bar Cat: Another.

What do you get if you cross a cat and a gorilla ?

An animal that puts you out a night !

Whatcha thinkin about?

Me: How ferrets are like if a cat and a scarf had a baby.

What cat purrs more than any other ?

Purrsians !

What do you call a cat who watches dirty movies?

A purrvert.

What do cats and people that submit jokes with the punchline "PLAGIARISM" have in common?

THEY BOTH LICK THEIR PAWS!

What is the difference between J. Winston and a cat?

One ruins girls clothes and steals crab legs, the other one is also losing the Rose Bowl.

What does cats and festival attendees have in common?

They both love using the toilet right after it's been cleaned.

What kinds of jokes do cats play on each other?

Purranks.

Why don't cats play poker in the jungle?

Too many cheetahs.

How do you make a cat go "Woof!"?

Soak it in petrol and put a match to it. (This is a joke, not and instruction, Reddit)

Why is K-9 another term for a dog?

Because if it was a cat, it would be a K-10.

Where do cats go once they have used up all nine of their lives?

Purrgatory.

Which cat made it across?

The second cat because un deux trois cat sank.

What do you get if you cross a cat with a tree ?

A cat-a-logue !

What do the French call artificial feet for cats?

Faux Paws

What is worse than raining cats and dogs ?

Raining elephants !

What's a cats favorite Mexican dish?

A purr-rito

Which dog looks like a cat?

A police dog in disguise.

How many cats sawed in half does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently 10 aren't enough :

Why did the cat put the letter "M" into the fridge ?

Because it turns "ice" into "mice" !

What do you get if you cross a cat with a parrot ?

A carrot !

What did Dr. Seuss call the book he wrote about Star Wars?

The Cat in the AT-AT

What was Schrodinger's favorite childhood book?

The Cat in the Box by Dr. Seuss

What do you cal a man with no arms and no legs fighting with his cat?

Claude

Where do cats write down notes?

A: Scratch Paper!

What do you get when you make a scarf out of a cat?

A Neko.

Why do neckbeard dentists love Cats the musical?

Because m'cavity.

Why don't my dog and my cat get along?

She's a Re-puppy-can and he's a Demo-cat!

Why couldn't the cat speak?

A: The dog taped his mouth.

Why did the cat sleep under the car ?

Because she wanted to wake up oily !

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat ?

Here Kitty kitty kitty' !

What did the cat say to the banana?

Banana. .. What did the cow say to the banana Banana. .. What did the goat say to the banana Baaah- nothing. Goats can't talk.

Why did the redneck take his cat to Walmart after running over it's tail with the lawn mower?

Because they're the largest re-tail-er

Why did the cat join the Red Cross ?

Because she wanted to be a first-aid kit !

What do you call it when a cat stops?

A: A paws!

Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?

A: It's meow-sic to their ears!

Why happened when the cat swallowed a coin ?

There was some money in the kitty !

What do you call a cat wearing shoes ?

Puss in boots !

Who abhors a vacuum more than nature?

A cat.

How to teach a cat how to bark?

Pour some gasoline on it and WOOF!

What do you get if you cross a cat with a bottle of vinegar ?

A sourpuss !

What kind of cat should you take into the desert ?

A first aid kitty !

What has more lives than a cat?

A frog -- it croaks every night.

Whats so special about "demon cats"?

Aren't all cats pure evil

Where do cats go when they die?

Purrgutory.

What do you call a man without arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

Claude!

What does a cat say when he likes something?

A: It's purrrfect.

How's my cat, Doc?

Vet: I have good news and bad news..

What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?

A: Kitty Perry

What kind of cats lay around the house?

A: Car-pets!

What does a cat call a bowl of mice ?

A purrfect meal !

Why is a cat like a penny?

Because it has a head on one side and a tail on the other.

Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat ?

Cats can't drive !

Who should get the cat?

I don't know...let's see who he loves the most" 3 weeks later Can you tell "Nope"

What does a cat say when it lands on it's back?

Me. Ow.

How can a cat walk with no feet?

He can't, it's impawsible.

What's long and stylish and full of cats?

The Easter Purrade!

What's smarter than a dog, but dumber than a cat?

Their owner.

What did the woman do when a lemon tree fell her cat?

Nothing, she just stood there with a sour puss

What's the unluckiest kind of cat to have ?

A catastrophe !

Why do cats chase birds ?

For a lark !

What's the difference between a frog and a cat?

A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.

What do you call a cat on a big plate?

a platterpuss

What did the cat do when he didn't want to watch the movie?

He paws-ed it!

When the cat's away.....?

The house smells better !

Which game did the cat want to play with the mouse?

A: Catch.

What did the cat... Say to the person?

Nothing, because cats don't speak.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it?

Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

What do you call a cat with 3 legs?

A handicat

Why are cats against abortion?

Because they're CATholic

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How much wine can a cat drink?

2. How do you resuscitate a drunk cat 3. Will they do an autopsy on a dead cat

What do you call it when someone resuscitates a person who chokes on alcohol?

La chaim-lich maneuver.

English Jokes More English Jokes

Why do we need to be learned English?

Hmm.. Couldn't have worded that better myself, Luke"

Which came first. . . social media or dumb people?

AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language

Sink Jokes More Sink Jokes

Why are women's feet smaller than men's?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

What was the philosopher's last thought before he descended into quicksand?

I sink therefore I am.

Dog Jokes More Dog Jokes

What dog is a cousin to the Dalmatian?

A spot-weiler!

What did the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac do?

Lay awake in bed wondering if there really is a dog.

Gasoline Jokes More Gasoline Jokes

How much of a raise do you need to get the job done?

About five gallons of gasoline," I replied.

How do you make a cat sounds like a dog?

Douse it in gasoline and set it on fire. !

Qualify Jokes More Qualify Jokes

How much hate does it take to qualify as a "hater"?

I hate tons of stuff.

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix?

One I say one.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between a small child and a gorilla?

People actually care if a gorilla dies.

What is the difference between light and hard?

Well, you can sleep with a light on.

Un Deux Trois ' Cat Jokes More Un Deux Trois ' Cat Jokes

Which cat won the race?

A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.

Who won?

One two three' cat, because 'Un deux trois' cat sank.