Funeral Jokes

What do you call an erection during a funeral?

Mourning wood!

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What happened at the funeral of the man who invented the USB?

They lowered his coffin, took it out, flipped it the other way round, then lowered it again.

Why did the dog go to the funeral?

Because he was a paw bearer.

Why were there so many Hawaiian lei's at the funeral?

the obituary read "Please send donations in luau flowers."

What do you call a server at a funeral?

A wake-tress

How do the Irish cure a hangover?

With a funeral.

Why don't poor people go to funerals?

They can't afford to pay respects.

What does every funeral begin with?

fun!

What do necrophiliacs get when they wake up on the day of a funeral?

Mourning Wood

Whats the worst the thing about having to attend a funeral?

The guest of honor always shows up late!

What do you say to a person at a funeral held at 10 A.M.?

Good mourning.

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What's the difference between saying sorry and apologizing?

You can say sorry at a funeral.

What Journey song to Chinese people sing at funerals?

Don't Stop Bereavin'

Why should you attend someone's funeral although you know they won't be attend yours back?

Because they will be at your funeral in spirit

Who sang at the funeral of those who died in a railroads arson?

Adele. Some one set fire to the train

What do necrophiliacs get at funerals?

Mourning wood.

How is called the funeral of an electrical engineer?

Grounding

When should funerals occur?

Mourning

What do a wedding and a funeral have in common?

At the end of the day, a stiff gets buried either way.

Why did the elk cry at the funeral?

He had lost a deer friend

How many Polish people does it take to be pallbearers at a funeral?

Seven. Six to carry the casket and one to drag the body

How do you spot a necrophiliac at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

What happens when a necrophiliac goes to a funeral?

He gets mourning wood.

Why was Steve Jobbs funeral an open casket?

So the attendees could get some face-time.

What did the Japanese Journey covers band sing at the funeral?

Don't stop, bereaving!

Whose funeral was this photo taken at?

John, serious tone: "I dunno. Let's see who's missing" possible funniest thing john has said

What's the difference between a meeting and a funeral?

A funeral is a meeting where you're dead outside as well as in.

What's the difference between a wedding and a funeral?

One less drunk.

What shouldn't you do at a funeral?

The corpse.

What is the one thing you shouldn't do at a funeral?

The corpse.

What does a Necrophiliac get at funerals?

Mourning Wood

How do you know it was not U.S. that did the aerial bombing?

Because the funeral, wedding and hospital were not the targets.

What happened when the carrot died?

There was a huge turnip at the funeral.

How do you greet people at a funeral?

Mourning, everybody!

Why was "what is love" played at a funeral?

Because he had a will, and he haddaway.

What did the dolphin king say at the funeral of his faithful servant?

You have served your porpoise.

What do Mexicans play at their funerals?

Another Juan Bites The Dust

What song did Kim Jong Il request be played at his funeral?

Journey - Don't Stop Bereaving.

What hat does a Mexican wear to a funeral?

A somber-ero.

What does a necrophiliac get at a funeral?

Mourning wood.

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So they don't accidentally roll out of bed.

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Mourning wood.

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Mourning wood

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What do ghosts say when a girl footballer is sent off ?

Ban-she ban-she !

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Why did the peasant have poor judgement?

He couldn't afford better judgement I'll be here all day folks

What do you call it when you have enough money to but a truck from 4 different people who used to cross small bodies of water?

You can afford four fjord forders' fords.

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Why do brothels support Hillary?

Cause #FeelTheBern would be bad for business.

Why you cannot think of landing a job or business without internet?

No connection

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Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

How many potatoes does it take to starve an Irish man?

None

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What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all your devices & accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard

What's the difference between a USB and the USA?

One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, the other is a harware standard.