Fight Jokes

Who would win in a fight between Muhammad Ali and Stephen Hawking?

Parkinson's

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Why don't Muslims fight each other often?

Cause they don't want no beef Edit: I'm going to crawl back into my hole now

Why shouldn't a dentist and manicurist be in a relationship?

All they will do is fight tooth and nail!

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office?

We're not crime-fighting crusaders. We're buying stamps.

Why do tomcats fight ?

Because they like raising a stink !

What do you call a man without arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

Claude!

What is it called when two celebrities are fighting?

Star wars.

What's the deal with the Z Fighters?

They aren't fighting to stay awake!

How do you know if a pepper is starting a fight with you?

It gets jalapeno face.

Why did the mexicans fight so hard for the alamo?

They wanted 4 clean walls to spray paint.

What did the Australian say to the two people fighting over bread?

It's stalemate

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What do you call a guy that used to fight in the ring, but quit it all for video games?

An ex-boxer.

What happens when a stormtrooper and a redshirt get in a fight?

The stormtrooper misses every shot, but the red shirt still dies.

When I get mad at you, you never fight back.How do you control your anger?

WIFE : I clean the toilet.... HUSBAND:How does that help WIFE : I use your toothbrush.

Who would win a fight between a taco and a hotdog?

so I punched him in the head.

Who would win in a fight, Michael J. Fox or Taylor Swift?

Michael J. Fox he would just shake it off.

What do you call an aardvark that's just won a fight?

A well 'aardvark!

What did Mike Tyson say when asked about the time he fought the God of Asgard?

The loser was 'thore'"

What do Polish Hussars and toothpaste have in common?

They both fight against Tartars.

Who do zombie cowboys fight?

Deadskins.

Who'd win if Batman fought Santa?

Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.

What's worse than fighting an uphill battle?

Getting to the top and realizing it's all downhill from there.

What do you call two pencils fighting?

A grafight.

Which of my girlfriends do you think is the prettiest?

What I actually heard was "Do you want a fight "

What do you call a person who fights fire?

Firefighter.

How did your blind date go?

Bit of a disaster really, our guide Dogs started Fighting

Why, Bro?

B1: Men with no pants... Fighting for a belt... WTF

What do you call an aardvark that's just lost a fight?

A vark!

Why did the wrestlers have to fight in the dark?

A: Their match wouldn't light.

What's the difference between the 2016 presidential debates and a pen of baboons relentlessly fighting over the dead stinking corpse of a sheep?

Microphones!

Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?

They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Why does everyone start to fight the day after Christmas?

Because it's Boxing Day!

Whats the difference between a feminist and a jihad?

one actually fights for change

When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight ?

When they had lots of sleepless knights !

What did the Italian chef say when his boss tried to pick a fight?

You wanna pizza me !

Why did helium get into a fight with neon?

They can't bond with each other, no matter how hard they try.

What's the difference between fight club and veganism?

You don't talk about fight club.

What do you get when an epileptic person fights an iceberg with a sword?

Seizure Salad

Why bro?

Men with no pants fighting for a belt.. WTF

How the fight started Wife : Going for a walk, do you want anything?

Me : How about a newspaper. Wife : OK, which one Me : Today's.

Why did the vengeful fireman lose his job?

He tried fighting fire with fire.

Why does it smell of tires?

There are two black people fighting.

What's the difference between the Notre Dame Fighting Irish and Charlie Sheen?

Charlie Sheen's winning.

What's the one thing you don't want to hear when fighting with your wife on a long road trip?

Recalculating route.

What's the definition of gross?

Two vampires fighting over a used tampon

Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me 5: Me: Get some coffee

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?

Because it was well armed.

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How can you tell a gamer from a rugby player?

Ask them if they play league.

Why did the punster enjoy the Broadway show about etymology?

Because it was a play on words.

War Jokes More War Jokes

How'd you die?

I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You " "I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen" "Oh.."

How do zombies communicate in times of war?

Cryptic code.

Garbage Bag Jokes More Garbage Bag Jokes

What is worse than a dead baby in a garbage bag?

A dead baby in two garbage bags.

What do you call two homeless people hitting each other with garbage bags?

A Pillow Fight

Ball Jokes More Ball Jokes

Why are dogs in a lot of pain?

Because they chew balls.

What's a priests least favorite thing about New Years?

The balls drop.

Group Jokes More Group Jokes

What do you call a group of black criminals?

A "protest" apparently.

What do you call a group of ISIS members with their backs turned?

A bunch of sissies.

Eccentric Beverage Jokes More Eccentric Beverage Jokes

Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couplesfight and read high quality humor columns?

To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.

Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couples fight and read high quality humor columns?

A: To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.

Talk Jokes More Talk Jokes

Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?

Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don't talk.

Why do people always talk in absolutes?

I would never do that. It's the worst.

Physics Teacher Jokes More Physics Teacher Jokes

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?

There was no chemistry.

What do you call it when a Physics Teacher throws a bar of chocolate at you?

Brownian Motion