Picture Jokes

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

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Who is this Rorschach guy?

And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

What do you call a Chatbook that consists solely of pictures of your poop?

A Shatbook.

Why do people keep a picture of their wife and kids in their wallet?

To remind them why there's no money in it

What did the feminist say when she saw a guy laughing at her picture on the Internet?

Topical meme."

What do you say when your GIF doesn't work?

You get the picture.

What did the defendant say when he saw his picture hung up in the courtroom?

I've been framed.

Why did the picture go to jail?

Because it was framed

How many plates do you need to draw a picture?

Tenplates

What do you call a picture of an electric piano?

Photosynthesis!

Why is Jesus happy people hang pictures of him?

It only takes one nail to put him on a wall.

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Why did Nike release a vine of the "Back to the Future" Power Lace shoes??

Because the pictures were way to shaky......

What picture does a cup get when it goes to prison?

A MUGshot.

What do you call someone who puts a picture of themselves in a locket?

Independent

How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb?

2. 1 to change the light bulb, the other to take pictures.

How can you tell if a picture was taken with a GoPro?

because the owner will tell you

Why did the picture plead innocent at the trial?

It was framed.

How did the girl with fetal alcohol syndrome tag a picture of herself on instagram?

nophiltrum

How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. One to change it, one to take pictures and four to make t-shirts for the event.

What do you call a picture of Simon Pegg's brother?

JPEG

How many sorority girls does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seven. One to change it, two to take pictures, and four to make t-shirts for the event.

Why do tourists always take pictures in Paris?

Because the tower is an Eiffel.

Why don't French people smile in pictures?

The French word for "cheese" is "fromage".

What does cheese say when you take its picture?

Make sure you get my Gouda side!

What technique does a prisoner use when coloring a picture?

Cell shading.

How would you describe the woman who attacked you?

Describes mother* *Gets a copy of picture* *Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?

Q. They think their picture is being taken.

What do you call it when an inmate takes a picture of their-self?

A Cellfie

What kind of pictures do hermit crabs take?

Shellfies

Why is Instagram not working?

but "Why does the world need another picture of you " #instagramnotworking

What do you call a turtle that sends pictures to everyone?

a Snapping Turtle

Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?

Me: picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle "Independence."

Why should I hire you?

Because I have pictures of you with a goat "

Why in the World would a Woman ever take her picture in the bathroom mirror?

It defies logic

Whats the best thing on the menu?

Waiter: The cheesebur- Me: WRONG! *points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*

Why can't you email a picture to a jedi?

Because attachments are forbidden.

Why did the man keep reloading the picture of the candy cane at the potluck?

He was in charge of refresh mints.

Where do I see myself in ten years?

I don't know. Let me think. *pictures self riding jet ski made of bones through space*

What do you get when you cross a camera with a mirror?

A: A camera that takes pictures of itself.

How does Santa Claus take pictures?

With his North Pole-aroid.

Why did it take so long to see a picture of Saint West?

Because he was a Tidal exclusive.

Why don't blonde's like audio-books?

A: There aren't any pictures.

Why did the blonde keep a picture of herself in her room?

A: So she could use it as a mirror.

What did the picture say to the Judge?

I WAS FRAMED! I just now made that up. I feel good about this one! Skip

Why are there no pictures of Ted Cruz holding a baby?

They always turn out blurry from him shaking them.

Why did the Buddhist photographer fail at taking pictures?

Bad cam'ra

Who's there ! Cameron ! Cameron who ?

Cameron film are needed to take pictures !

How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?

A: By witchful thinking.

How did the artist paint a picture?

A: Easel-y.

What kind of pictures do turtles take?

Shellfies!

What do you call it when an oyster takes a picture of itself?

A shell-fie

What did the wall ask the picture?

All together now!) ***"How's it hangin' "*** Skip

Why not ask the guy who took that picture?

Just kidding, I ran over it.

Why do Japanese people look so serious in pictures?

Last time they saw a flash it destroyed their country

Which elf likes to click pictures?

sELFie

Why do you look surprised in all your selfies?

Didn't you know you were taking the picture

Why do blondes smile when it's lightning?

A. Because, they think they are having their picture taken.

How can you tell the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?

The picture doesn't scream when you hang it.

What do you call a hobbit that looks good in pictures?

Frodo-genic

What kind of pictures does a mermaid take on her phone?

Shelfies.

How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb?

2. 1 to change the light bulb, the other to take pictures.

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Remind Jokes More Remind Jokes

What's your favourite colour?

I love green 'cos it reminds me of blue.

What's the worst thing to say to a hipster?

You remind me of someone

Jail Jokes More Jail Jokes

What did the Black owner of the BMW do to deserve jail?

You mean, black people have to DO something to deserve jail p.s I know I am going dowwwnn for this

Why is a sinking ship like a person in jail?

Because it needs bailing out.

1 Jokes More 1 Jokes

What does 1+1=?

Window.

What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?

1. Minimum wage 2. Police reform 3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise

Work Jokes More Work Jokes

Why do Pillows work?

Cause they're white

What would be the best color to make a joke about?

I was thinking black, but I'm not sure it would work?

Jesus Jokes More Jesus Jokes

What's your opener?

JESUS: "God loves you." You BUDDHA (crumpling paper that says Life Is Suffering): Me too

What do a Boston Marathon runner and Jesus have in common?

Nails in their hands and feet

Defendant Jokes More Defendant Jokes

What did the defendant say when he saw his picture hung up in the courtroom?

I've been framed.

How do you find the defendant?

Jury Foreman: Well...I guess I just look right at him. Why -- isn't that how you do it

People Jokes More People Jokes

How do epileptics greet people?

They shake.

Why was the army recruiter in the nursery?

To find more people for the infantry! I'm sorry.

Poop Jokes More Poop Jokes

What is it called when a hacker poops?

Logging out

How do you write poop in Australia?

dood