Australian Jokes

At an Australian parliament meeting, two guys were shouting back and forth and one said: "I am a country member!" and the other said: "Oh, I remember!"

What Australian city has the most cats?

Purrth.

What do you call an Australian singer who was born in Australia?

Aussie Aus-born.

What do Australian terrorists say before attacking?

Uluruakbar

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How do you call sons of australians and germans?

Men at Work

What did the Australian Chess player say to the waiter?

Cheque, mate!

How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.

What do you call a dead Australian Wrestler?

Stone Cold Steve Irwin

How does an Australian shave?

Rise up lights

What did the Australian grandmaster say to the banker, when asked what he wanted to exchange?

Check, mate!

What do you call the king of the jungle in the land down under?

Australian. Yes I know lions aren't jungle animals, but as per common nomenclature etc etc yadda yadda raspberry :)

What do you call a blind Australian Crocodile?

Q: What do you call a blind Australian Crocodile? A: Crocodile Dunsee

How does an Australian clean is bum?

Bidet, mate.

What did the Australian say when he won a game of chess?

Cheers, mate.

Why do so many Australian men experience premature ejeculation?

Because they cant wait to get out and tell all their friends about scoring.

What's the difference between a French kiss and an Australian kiss?

They are basically the same except you do an Australian kiss down under.

What do Australians use for sun burns?

Aloe, mate. I'm sorry

What do you call a thug Australian mammal?

a gang-aroo

How do you know whether or not a redditor is Australian?

They'll tell you.

Why can't Australians play chess?

They keep saying check, mate.

What's an Australian's favorite element?

Gold

Why did the kangaroo love the little Australian bear?

Because the bear had many fine koala-ties!

What do you call a smart Australian?

A New Zealander

What's an Australian Kiss?

A French kiss down under ;) *first post here, a coworker of mine told me the joke. Go easy :)*

Why do Australians take forever to play chess?

Because they never make it past the first check, mate.

What's an Australian Kiss?

It's like a French kiss, but down under.

What did the Australian say to the hawk?

Good eye!

What do you call a display of Australian patriotism?

Stockholm Syndrome.

What is the ghost of an Australians favourite dessert?

Boo-meringue

How do Australians sleep?

With their heads at the foot of the bed.

What does an Australian witch ride on?

A broomerang!

What does an Australian chemist call is bro?

Bromate Sorry, just studying my poly atomic ions and thought I was clever. I thought wrong

How does an Australian call his friend from the Czech Republic?

Czechmate

Why do Australians always win 4D chess?

Double check, mate

What's the worst thing about...?

getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger. *Yet another Australian pub joke*

This joke may have profanity.

Why do Australians have a well balanced walk?

They've a chip on both shoulders

What do Australians call upside down cake?

Cake.

How did the Australian make the Olympics?

He koala-fied!!!!! Buh-duh-tss

What did the Australian say to the two people fighting over bread?

It's stalemate

What do you call an aminoacid glued to an Australian?

A glutamate.

What method does the Australian god use to part the Red Sea?

Oz Moses.

What does an Australian use instaed of toilet paper?

Bidet, mate.

How do you order a bill in Australian restaurant?

Cheque, mate! --- Maybe not the funniest buy posting because: My. My own. My precious...

What did the Australian chess player say to the waiter when he finished his meal?

Check, mate.

What do Australian emos use to cut their wrists?

Rise up lights

What is one thing that both Australians &amp Americans share the same view on?

1961

Why did the Australian pirate refuse lunch?

Because he had Somalia.

What do you call an Australian who's prejudiced against grains?

A riceist. (It sounds better when you say it aloud)

How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter, they all turn them the the wrong way.

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Man Jokes More Man Jokes

How many women does it take to park a car?

A man.

Why does a man only get half-hour lunch-breaks?

So his boss doesn't have to retrain him.

Edit Jokes More Edit Jokes

How to keep an idiot waiting?

I'll tell you tomorrow. Edit: Grammar.

What does a suicidal person say while leaving a party?

I want to hang by myself for a bit. Edit: Not suicidal. Just gallows humor.

8 10 Cat Jokes More 8 10 Cat Jokes

Why do black cats never shave ?

Because 8 out of 10 cats prefer whiskas !

What is Australian cuisine called?

Prison food

10 Jokes More 10 Jokes

How to sink a submarine with 10 blondes in it?

You knock on the door.

Why are you packing condoms for a sailing trip with 10 guys?

I'm saying "Just in case." Now I'm traveling with a bigger case.

Cremate Jokes More Cremate Jokes

How do you want your mother-in-law buried or cremated?

Hmm No risk do both.

What did the masterbating Australian mortician do?

Cremate

German Jokes More German Jokes

What did German kids get for Christmas during th holocaust?

Easy Bake Ovens

What do you call a German rice cake?

A reich cake

Masterbate Jokes More Masterbate Jokes

What do you call a rapper who masterbates a lot?

Lil Wayne-ker

What do you call a cow masterbating?

Beef stroganoff

Mean Jokes More Mean Jokes

Who is missing an egg?

there are 27 people in the room but on 53 eggs, you know what that means, someone is missing an egg.

What is the average Math teacher like?

Mean.