Edit Jokes

What was the other reindeer's name?

Olive.

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Why did Russia lose the race?

Because it was Stalin! (Sorry. Communist jokes aren't funny unless every gets them.)

What do the wage gap and the story of Hercules have in common?

They're both myths.

How are Harambe memes keeping up?

Cincinnati Zoo keeps trying to shoot them down.

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic, and a dyslexic?

Somebody who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question whether or not theres a dog.

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one! Edit: Did not expect this joke to get this good of a reception. Thanks, guys!

What two words result in the most marriages?

Screw it. EDIT: has a better answer lol

How many religious women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Nun.

What does A&W stand for?

Amburgers & Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.

What does Bill Cosby do when he can't sleep at night?

He finishes her drink EDIT: Apparently this is Conan's joke, so all credit goes to him. I just heard it from a friend of mine and I had no idea.

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a poisonous spider?

You're probably Australian. EDIT: I mean venomous, not poisonous. I am sorry

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Why are calculators grey and boring?

Cause it's what's on the inside that counts! EDIT: it was a joke guys:(

Why do Chinese only care about themselves?

Because they have no i's (plural of i). Edit: eyes. Eyes guys. It's a bad pun.

Who is the best Podracer in Star Wars?

Michael Chewbacca EDIT: Some people don't get the joke..... Michael schumacher is a F1 race car driving legend.

What's the difference between a saxophone and an onion?

You don't cry when you cut up a saxophone. Happy Saxophone Day Why this musical abomination deserves its own day is beyond me. Edit: beside to beyond

Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?

Because it's a catastrophe :-) Yeah, ok, I'll be going now. EDIT: removed explanation.

How does Walter Palmer like his eggs?

Poached. Thank you, I'm here all week. EDIT: this got no upvotes and I don't think it deserved any

What sound does Reddit make when it blows up?

Pao! Edit: Whoa, FP gold. Thank you!

What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?

A Tyrannosaurus Wrecks. EDIT: Spelled "Tyrannosaurus" incorrectly.

Why do the French always were white when pole vaulting?

So people can see them surrender from afar. Edit: wrong form of the form "wear"

What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks?

You. Why I oughta...! Edit: Wow, thanks for all the love. My son is quite the character and he really caught me off guard with this!

Why did the kid cross the playground?

To get to the other slide. Edit: spelling.

What's the main problem with Wookie steaks?

They're a little Chewie. (Edit: Wookiee***)

What did E.T.'s mother say when E.T. got home?

Where on Earth have you been??!!" **Thank you, I'll be here all night... Edit: Thanks for da love Dr. Jones!

What do blondes and computer have in common?

You never appreciate them until they go down on you. edit: computers

What happened after the King of All Cosmos destroyed the stars in a drunken rage?

Divine intervention. edit: Oh.

What is the best gift you can give your girlfriend for your anniversary?

Nothing. It's a gift she will always remember. Edit: Wording clarified (Thanks to therinnovator).

Why do Gypsy's walk funny?

Because of their Crystal Balls EDIT: I'm not sure if anyone's posted this before my mum's sister emailed her from across the globe.(New Zealand) I laughed so hard I thought I'd put it here. Credit goes to my Mum's sister though.

Why did the ghost get kicked out of the bar?

Because he was sheet faced.

What do you call a lawyer up to his neck in cement?

Not enough cement EDIT: Okay thanks for pointing out that I messed up the wording but the joke is supposed to be the funny part

What kind of fruit tells the best jokes?

A punkin. Edit: and apparently not me.

Who's the laziest doctor at the hospital?

Doctor Dolittle

Why did the gynecologist get taken in for questioning?

He smelled a little fishy. Edit: a word.

Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?

It was on a strict diet of worms. edit: changed pronoun to avoid ambiguity

What's the difference between a truck load of babies and a truck load of bowling balls?

There's only one you can unload with a pitchfork. Edit: Who said something about dead babies?

What's better than a rose on a piano?

Tulips on an organ. Edit: accidentally a letter.

Why should you distrust atoms?

Because they make up an awful lot of stuff. EDIT: Because I forgot about neutrinos.

What were Jesus' final words?

So long and thanks for all the fish." Edit: Everyone hates me.

What do you call a person that constantly hunts for karma?

A predditor. EDIT:

What do blacks and bikes have in common?

They both stop working when you take their chains off. Edit: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was America. By the way, got this from AskReddit.

Why shouldn't you laugh when a black man falls off his bike?

It could be your bike. EDIT: Spelling.

Whats th first joke you remember hearing or that you told as a kid?

Mine is: What is the white stuff in bird poop? (That is also bird poop.) edit: til you can't edit the topic to fix spelling errors...

What do you see when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat miner. EDIT: spelling

Why did the protester cross the road?

To get to the Occupy! EDIT: To get to the other side/Occupy?

What do you call a family of redheads?

Gingerbread. Edit: This is more of an out-loud joke. So, maybe it'll help if it read: "Ginger-bred" instead.

Why do white people like cheese so much?

Because they're made from cultures! Edit: Five BLM members disliked this post.

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock. (This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.) Edit: tweaked the punchline.

What is a pirates favorite article of clothing?

His sc*aaarrrr*f Edit: I get it guys, you all have better punchlines than me.

What are you drinking, son?

Soy milk. -Hola milk, soy tu padre. Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone

How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: a word

What's reddit without the R&ampD?

Edit:

How do you make a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven at three fifty tree fiddy until it's Bill Withers. Edit:summoning happened.

How did my doctor know I have minor IBS?

I just asked him to edit my essay and he said I have semi colon problems. He must be a smart guy if he can figure that out from my writing.

What is it called when a ship attacks their own navy?

Edit: Whoops wrong sub.

How'd you sleep last night?

Son says: "umm... With my eyes closed " Edit: This actually happened btw. Probably funnier irl.

How good are you with Microsoft PowerPoint?

I Excel at it." "Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun, sir " "Word." Edit: thanks u/SteveJobsiGhost

How do you spot an attention whore on reddit?

Edit: Wow, I did not expect this to get so many upvotes!

This joke may have profanity.

How about that airplane food?

Edit: I'm so sorry.

What is the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?

One is an array of cunning stunts and the other is an array of stunning c*nts

This joke may have profanity.

When Arwen and Aragorn got married... was Frodo designated to be the Ring bearer?

edit Thanks KikifounUnui... not my main language TT

What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a bath?

The nun has hope in her soul, and the woman has soap in her hole. EDIT: NSFW

This joke may have profanity.

What do you get when you cut up an avagadro?

Guaca**mole**y edit: how do I make it not say this joke is Dirty

What do you call a Pho restaurant run by 9 Japanese chefs?

Pho Kyuu EDIT: No one understands how to pronounce "Pho". ;;

Why do teenagers want to work for Intel?

Core i3, i5, i7... ican't even! Edited from: >They can't even

Why does Caitlyn Jenner feel like her kids see though her?

I guess she is trans parent now Edit: *through

Why Is Chemistry Racist?

It's very selective. Edit. My first time making a joke. I know I can't make a joke. This is not directed at anyone.

How is life at the post office going?

It's going well I guess. It has its usps and it's downs. Edited for correctness

What's a ducks favourite snack?

Quackers! **EDIT: Spelling**

What does A&ampW stand for?

Amburgers &amp Woot Beer! Edit: Thanks to my dad for this one.

What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a seven year old?

Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out the window. EDIT: Damn it he was four

How do feminists screw in a lightbulb?

By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them EDIT: Rip inbox EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold!

Why did the water level in the pond rise?

Because the other fish were crying. Edit: *One of them dies.

What's worse: ignorance or indifference?

Johnny", responds his dad, " I neither know nor care." Edit: granma grammar.

What's the worst kind of joke?

Clickbait. Edit: Added a space which triggered someone.

Why did the chip chase the sauce?

To ketchup Edit: I'm sorry

What kind of amphibian is hired to take your car away?

Toad. Thanks, HammerElectionBeans for the edit.

What's the best part about living in a black family?

You never have to hear a dad joke. Edit. Just thought of this at work one day hope it's not a repost

How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.

What do you call a blind, legless buck?

No eye-deer. EDIT: I totally messed this joke up. Please give me another chance with another joke

What do you get when you cross a Rat and a Mountain Climber?

Nothing, you can't cross a vector by a scalar. EDIT: changed multiply to cross.

How do you drowned a hipster?

Throw them in the mainstream. Edit: spelling because I'm 5

What do you call a smart knife?

Cleaver! EDIT: Also Sharp, knew about this one but I like Cleaver better.

Why did the paralympic athlete loose the race?

He didn't start off with the right foot. EDIT: Ortography

Why did Rodney Dangerfield always make such unbalanced RPG characters?

He never got no respec. *edited to make grammar worse

Why was 4 afraid of 5?

Because 5 was a Registered Six Offender. Edit: a word.

What is the difference between in-law and vultures?

Vultures attack first, when you are dead.

How do you make a door cry?

You twist its knob. edit: grammar

How to keep an idiot waiting?

I'll tell you tomorrow. Edit: Grammar.

What did the necropheliac say to her boyfriend?

Did rigor mortis just set in, or are you just happy to see me Edit: I'm an idiot

How does a Muslim get a hot date?

He puts it in the microwave. EDIT: Looks like you guys are real dim....

What did the spectator say when the magician transformed Dracula into 2?

Miraculous. Edited: tough crowd

What does a suicidal person say while leaving a party?

I want to hang by myself for a bit. Edit: Not suicidal. Just gallows humor.

Why did the surfer join ISIS?

Because he was totally radical! EDIT: I guess this didn't blow up.

What's the difference between procrastination and laziness?

RemindMe! 2 days to edit this post

What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month. Edit: account got hacked and showed something different. Sorry about that

What do you can an epileptic What do you call an epileptic in a garden?

Seizure salad. edit: fixed the word 'call'

What do programmers and taxi drivers have in common?

They both need a *break* every once in a *while*. edit: this is a three-way pun btw - it works better out loud

Why can't we edit tweets?

Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."

How many "friend zone" guys does it take to put in a light bulb?

It doesn't matter how many. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw. Edit: Credits to Drougen for making it better.

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Hear Jokes More Hear Jokes

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

Why did the lollipop cross the road?

Cause it was stuck to the chicken. I heard that on the radio today. I LOLed.

Good Jokes More Good Jokes

What's the best part about showering with a 5 year-old?

The water washes away her tears

Why do crows do vocal exercises every morning?

For the Good of the Caws.

Tweet Jokes More Tweet Jokes

How do Baroque composers tweet?

Through their twitter Handel! ..... I am so sorry

When asked, 'Are you Twittering?

if I'm looking at my phone I now reply, 'No. I am not Twittering,' in a sort of flat monotone. And tweet.

Bulb Jokes More Bulb Jokes

How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?

One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.

How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?

Four - three to cut a hole in the roof and one to change the bulb.

Fix Jokes More Fix Jokes

Why does Axl Rose have trouble getting his car fixed?

Because no one wants to feel his serpentine.

What's the difference between a bad mechanic and a politician?

With the mechanic, there's a shot something might get fixed...

Fly Jokes More Fly Jokes

Why should you not visit the Ukraine with your fly unzipped?

Because if you don't, Chernobyl fall out!

Who do you call when theres a fly in your house?

The SWAT team

2000 Jokes More 2000 Jokes

Why can't we edit tweets?

Because if we could I would edit a tweet with 2,000 retweets to say "RT if you hate puppies and babies."

How does Microsoft count to 10?

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, ME, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.

Atheism Jokes More Atheism Jokes

What do you call Atheism?

A non-prophet organization.

What is atheism?

A non-prophet religion Edit: Replace the word "religion" with "set of beliefs" if you're picky about that sort of thing