Patient Jokes

the surgeon asked the patient that was about to be anesthetized. "But doc this is my first operation." "Really It's mine too and I am not excited at all."

What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital?

When you ask the patients "what's the problem " They'll say "nothing"

What do you call a Muslim optometrist who has no regards for his patients?

Asif Eyecare

Why did the doctor quit his job?

He ran out of patients.

How's your headache?

Patient: She's out of town.

Whats the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at a mental hospital?

The patients are the ones who eventually get better and get to go home.

What did the doctor say to the speeding commuter?

Thank you for your patients.

Why is that?

Patient: I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want.

What are we waiting for?

the doctor asks. "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."

What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?

At your cervix, m'lady

What do a Pediatrician and Podiatrist have in common?

Their patients are 2'

How does a deaf Gynecologist communicate with his patients?

He reads lips.

What kind of patients?

All of them"

How bad are they?

Doctor: It depends, how old are you Patient: I will be 24 soon. Doctor: Pffff, no you won't.

What's the bad news?

Asked the patients. "You only have 24-hours to live." "And the really bad news " I should have told you yesterday.

Why is a doctor always calm?

He got a lot of patients

Why are doctors always calm?

They have a lot of patients. Sorry.

What's the difference between a psychiatrist and his patients at the mental hospital?

The patients are the ones that get better and get to go home.

What do you see?

Patient: A house and Me: Wrong it's Batman. Ok this one Patient: I se Me: Nope. Batman again.

Why don't urologists hand out stickers their patients?

Because they are always telling them "You're in trouble"

How you're feeling now?

Patient: I'm feeling lonely with chill girl and 60 other persons

Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?

I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

When do doctors get angry?

When they run out of patients.

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Wait Jokes More Wait Jokes

What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

What's the difference between a hunter and a fisherman?

A hunter lies in wait. A fisherman waits and lies.

Nurse Jokes More Nurse Jokes

What did the nurse say to John Cena?

A: ICU.

Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?

Because nurses are taught in nursing school to always look for her patient's best side.

Reply Jokes More Reply Jokes

Why is that, doc?

He replied, "I'm trying to examine you."

What did the ninja say to the waiter when asked what to drink?

The ninja replies with "Wata!"

Alzheimer Patient Jokes More Alzheimer Patient Jokes

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

to get to the other side

Old Woman Jokes More Old Woman Jokes

What do you call it when guys find older women unusually attractive?

The Stunning-Cougar Effect.

How does a young man make an old woman feel young again?

Elixir

Suffer Jokes More Suffer Jokes

What happens when you get some vinegar in your ear?

You suffer from pickled hearing!

What type of dog suffers from being inbred?

A hotdog

Favorite Jokes More Favorite Jokes

What is cookie monsters favorite war?

Vietnom nom nom nom

What's a basketball players favorite kind of cheese?

Swish cheese.

Change Jokes More Change Jokes

What do a Feminist and a Broken ATM have in Common?

They both can't make any change

Why won't Americans switch to a dollar coin?

They're afraid of change.