Drug Jokes

Why don't drug addicts hang out at the beach?

They don't like getting sand in their crack.

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What do you call a number on drugs?

High Five

Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends?

Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time? Mom: No, Never! Son: Well neither would he!

Why shouldn't you give Muslim Women drugs?

They'll get stoned. (Ba-dum tss)

Why don't you buy drugs from an Emo?

Their stuff is always cut.

What did the cocaine addict say to his drug of choice?

I'm kinda busy, I won't be able to stay any longer, smell ya later" PS: the addict died that day from severe delusions that his coke was talking blanket, lot of coke....

What do you call someone who smokes two doobies at once?

Double jointed. What do you call someone who can smoke three at once? Dead. Don't do drugs.

What drug does the lord use to get work done?

God speed.

How do people in other countries tell if kids are using drugs?

Here in the U.S. we just ask them how many grams are in an ounce.

What drugs do cows take?

Cow-caine

What do you call an elephant on drugs?

Tranquilized.

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Where does the Lego man get his drugs?

His K'Nex!

What kind of drug is /r/theRedPill?

It's a beta blocker

What do you call a lizard on drugs?

A mariguana.

What do you call a joke on drugs?

Highlarious

Why is Bill Cosby like the The Wizard of Oz?

Cosby Cosby Cosby Cosby cos, because of the wonderful things he drugs

What drug did the mathematician do?

Math Salts.

What does a power ranger say before they do drugs?

It's morphine time!

How did Whitney Houston take the drugs?

All at once.

What do you say to a black guy selling drugs?

What did you think it would be, you racist?

What's wrong with the phrase "War on Drugs"?

Wars end.

What's a cheese's favorite kind of drug?

Amfetamines

What happens when a neckbeard takes drugs?

They start tipping balls.

What is the difference between a black guy and a white guy that sells drugs?

One's a pharmacist and the other's a drug dealer.

What type of drugs do ducks use?

What type of drugs to ducks use? Quack cocaine.

Why do pills bottles have cotton in them?

So they can remind black people the picked cotton before they sold drugs.

How do meth users get the money to buy their drugs?

The toothfairy.

What do you tell a mathematician if he does drugs?

You're high-on-pot...enuse. Thanks Key&Peele, I'll see myself out.

Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair and not the feet?

Because if they drug them by the feet the would have filled with dirt.

What do you call it when Wonder Woman does too many drugs?

Heroine overdose

What kind of drugs to tumblr users take?

Anti-oppressants.

How do hipsters buy their drugs?

by the instagram.

Why did Jim Morrison overdose on drugs?

To get to the other side.

What drug is most destructive with phones?

Crack.

Why is there cotton on top of the pills inside a pill bottle?

To remind black people they picked cotton before they sold drugs.

Why do medicine boxes always have a little bit of cotton in them?

To remeber the black man of what he did before he dealt drugs.

How did michael hutchence take his drugs?

Inxs

How does the devil measure his drugs?

In pentagrams

What's a crackhead with no drugs?

Crack-a-lacking

What's the difference between a heroine and heroin?

One's an object that's easily abused, the other's a drug.

What do you call Mike Tyson on drugs?

Methed up

What sort of drug does a duck use?

Quack cocaine

What do you call a black man selling drugs?

A pharmacist, you racist.

What do you call someone who claims to do drugs to try to look cool?

A marajuannabe.

What is it about glow sticks that makes me want to dance in a field wearing fairy wings?

If only I hadn't taken so many drugs I'd know this.

What kind of drugs to frogs take?

methamphibians.

Why are fish always on drugs?

They just keep getting hooked.

What's Wayne Static's relationship with drugs?

I SEE IT!** ooooohh **I NEED IT!**(https://www.youtube.com/watch v=Ps0MfBG5-Uo#t=1m24s)

What is someone who takes drugs?

What is someone who drinks What hit you in the face last night

When will you be bioavailable?

Because you are my drug and I want you in my body...

What's the difference between the Canadian-American border and a performance enhancing drug?

Niagara Falls, Viagra rises.

This joke may have profanity.

When I get a prescription for drugs, I don't ask, Will it work?

Are there any side effects ' No, it's Can I drink with these '

Who takes the most drugs?

The police.

What do you call Oprah on drugs?

Doprah

What happened to drugs, kids?

We still have drugs!

What performance enhancing drugs do penguins use?

Polaroids

Why Mark?

I never take drugs. - I say stay away!! Or the drugs will fall from the table!!

What is a drug?

A drug is a substance which when injected into a guinea pig produces a scientific paper.

What drug problem?

We get drugs pretty easily!"

How does a hipster measure out his drugs?

Using instagrams.

Why did my husband die?

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am" Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!" Doctor: "I know, but I did"

Why do drugs for small dogs have to be tested on larger ones first?

All canine drugs must be lab tested before their public release.

Why bother?

They're only going to buy drugs or alcohol with it!"... oh, like I wasn't !

What do you call a duck that does drugs?

A quack head!

Why did the Scotsman sell drugs?

He had to get plaid.

Why will we never know if Rick James was bald?

Rogaine is a hell of a drug.

What kind of drugs do ducks use?

Quack.

Why was the black man selling drugs?

He was a pharmacist.

What kind of drugs do ducks take?

The snort quack.

Where were you on the night of the 5th?

Dealing drugs." "Louder for the tape " leans in "Healing pugs. I'm a pug vet."

What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

High definition.

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Fire Jokes More Fire Jokes

Why don't astronauts keep their jobs very long?

Because as soon as they start they get fired.

What happened to the gun that kept randomly shooting?

He got fired.

Beach Jokes More Beach Jokes

Why don't drug addicts hang out at the beach?

They don't like getting sand in their crack.

What did the man say after his wife was dragged off the beach by a seal?

Welp, seal ate her.

Type Jokes More Type Jokes

Why can't the pirate get to any subreddits?

He keeps typing /arrr/

What types of trees never get Christmas presents?

Knotty Pines.

Small Dog Jokes More Small Dog Jokes

What do you call a small dog?

A subwoofer!

Why do drugs for small dogs have to be tested on larger ones first?

All canine drugs must be lab tested before their public release.

Pharmacist Jokes More Pharmacist Jokes

Why can't Whitney Houston be a pharmacist?

She over doses

What's the opposite of a pharmacist?

A harmacist

Mark Jokes More Mark Jokes

Why is your January report card so bad ?

Son: Well you know how it is. Things are always marked down after Christmas !

Why are highly successful people named Mark always so depressed?

Because they can't stop hitting themselves. This joke came to me while I was half asleep this morning. I'm not sure how original it is. I probably heard some variation of it somewhere and have just forgotten. Any suggestions for improving it?

Like Jokes More Like Jokes

What game do tornadoes like to play?

Twister

What do you call a Mexican who likes little kids?

A pedrophile.

Guy Jokes More Guy Jokes

What did the guy with bad internet get?

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Who won the Battle of the Bulge?

The guy with the bulge in his sock ...