Friend Jokes

What's worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend?

When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
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How much credibility is there in that whole "you can punch yourself handsome" theory?

Asking for a friend.

What is the difference betwen a blonde and a Lamborghini?

You don't let your friends borrow your Lamborghini.

What did pancake Chip say to his friend pancake Berry when Berry was sad?

Don't feel blue, Berry, things will get batter"

What does Sherlock call his friends?

His Holmies

What's the difference between a fraternity and a gang?

Gangs don't have to pay for friends.

Why did one friend not get any?

He didn't get his fair share: one over eight.

What happened when the host of Dirty Jobs said hello to a friend that was fairly far away?

Microwave.

What's worse than 9/11?

311 Credit goes to my friend Max.

How does a witch make scrambled eggs ?

She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright ! 'Owl be seeing you later.'

How does a potato keep up with it's friends?

With Google chromosome+

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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What did Einstein text to his friend who he'd see tomorrow?

E=MC U L8R

Why is no one friends with Dracula?

Cause hes a pain in the neck.

What do you call a Muslim who is also a pilot?

Greg if you're a friend, Gregory if you were introduced, Mr. Abdalla if you're doing business with one another.

What do you call a pregnant nun who cycles to church everyday?

No seriously, a friend asked me this and I didn't know.

When one points and asks his friend, "Is that statue a foot?

To which his friend replies, "No, it's about four and a half feet."

What did the two story house say to its friend after it had just finished working out, and it's friend invited I to a party?

I'm two tiered. I came up with this at 1am, enjoy.

Why does Dracula have no friends?

Because he's a pain in the neck.

Why did voldermort used Twitter instead of Facebook?

Because he only had followers. Not friends.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he and his friends decided to dress up as famous composers for Halloween?

I'll be Bach

Why don't you play with your friends?

he asked. 'Because I only have one friend' the girl replied. 'And I hate her.'

How do old people check up to see how their friends are doing?

They look in the obituary

Why are dolphins all friends with each other?

They just click you know

Why did the cyclops close his school?

Because he only had one pupil! The joke is that I have no friends

What's green and says "hey I'm a frog"?

A talking frog! Stolen from "Friends" still hilarious.

Why did the painter from Boston have trouble making friends?

He was way too autistic for his own good.

What do coffee beans say to scare their friends?

Brew.

What do you call an eskimo with no friends?

An iglooser

What does the lion say to his friends before they go out hunting for food?

Let us prey.

What do you call a shark with no friends?

A lone shark

How do you know if your friend, "Doesn't even OWN a TV?

Because it's this answer to every question you ask them. "Did you hear about the President's new policy on... " "I don't even OWN a TV!"

What did Sherlock ask his friend when he wanted to know what they were having for dinner?

Watson the menu

Why does tigger have no friends?

Because he plays with pooh.

Why do saunas remind some people of blonde's?

A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter and they don't mind if you bring friends.

Why didn't Princess Diana have very many friends on Xbox Live?

All she does is stay on the dashboard.

What do you like to do in your free time?

Guy: I spy on people. Girl: Really I like to take long walks in the park and go to the movies with my friends. Guy: I know.

Why is ur wife shouting at you?

Friend: she told me to upload her photo in FB, I uploaded in OLX... Mistakes do happen

Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear?

It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

Why does Kylo Ren have no friends?

Because his whole life he's Ben Solo

What does Stevie Wonder call his money?

Wonderbread. Anyone want to be my friend

What do women call men under 6 inches?

Friends.

Who's your friend who likes to play?

JOHN CENA** *DUn DUnDUnDUn DUn DUnDUnDUn.*

Why don't you chat with us in the kitchenette in the morning?

Me: Because I'm not paid to be your friend & you say kitchenette.

Which trees have the most friends?

The poplar ones.

What did she say about me?

Friend: She said you ask too many questions Me: She said that Too many questions Really Me ...What else

Who's there ! Arnold ! Arnold who ?

Arnold friend of yours is a friend of mine !

Why couldn't Joe be friends with a double-amputee?

Because he's lack-toes intolerant.

Why couldn't Billy the Jet go flying with his friends?

Because he was grounded.

Who is the prettiest of my friends?

Me: your mother, why W: Stop acting like you're 12. M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.

What's your costume?

Me: I'm dressed as "A total disappointment" Friend: But you always wear that Me: Yeah.

How to Train Your Dragon 2' Me: Friend: Me: to what?

Friend:

What do you call a dog with a lot of friends?

Pawpular!

Why did the mushroom have so many friends?

He was a fungi.

Why was Edward unable to get out of Russia?

Because he was Snowd en! (according to my friends this joke has been around for awhile, but I hadn't seen it yet, and wanted to share the goof)

What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?

You-Rang-a-Tang

What'd Gandhi say when his friend told him to leave the protest?

Na 'ma ste

Why was the cake lonely?

Because he was deserted by his friends

What did the couch surfing, yoga junkie say when his friend asked him to leave?

Namaste.

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John Jokes More John Jokes

Whats in Olivia Newton's John?

Gomer's Pile

Why did John keep on finding cracker crumbs in his bed?

His wife didn't know any decent crackers.

Drug Jokes More Drug Jokes

What's Wayne Static's relationship with drugs?

I SEE IT!** ooooohh **I NEED IT!**(https://www.youtube.com/watch v=Ps0MfBG5-Uo#t=1m24s)

Why do medicine boxes always have a little bit of cotton in them?

To remeber the black man of what he did before he dealt drugs.

Use Jokes More Use Jokes

What did the Russian people light their houses with before they started using candles?

Electricity.

Why do C# and Java developers keep breaking their keyboards?

Because they use a strongly typed language.

Idiot Jokes More Idiot Jokes

What would the name on the cat's bowl be?

It would be 'Bowl' and all of your friends would leave you because you are an idiot and named your cat Bowl.

What do you get when you cross an idiot with a watch?

A cuckoo clock.

Realise Jokes More Realise Jokes

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?

When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

What did the smoked salmon say after it realised it was no longer ill?

I'm cured!"

Body Jokes More Body Jokes

Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

A Kid replied: The legs... Because everynight I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING!! XD

Why do ostriches have long necks?

Because their heads are so far from their bodies!

Bring Jokes More Bring Jokes

Why do saunas remind some people of blonde's?

A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter and they don't mind if you bring friends.

What's the best vegetable to bring to a party?

Stephen Hawking

Fish Tank Jokes More Fish Tank Jokes

When you realise your friend is an idiot" Stories!?

Hey guys, I just recently found out that my friend is an idiot. I was talking with him on Facebook and I was telling him about this game that was free online, and he says "I'm on my way to see my girlfriend". I'm sorry but WHAT? well I have a fish tank. Feel free to comment down below your stories about how you realised your friend is an idiot.

How did the aquarium win the battle?

Giant Fish Tanks.