Friend Jokes

What is the president's favorite vegetable?

BARACK-oli. Courtesy of my friend Abraham.

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What is the difference between confident and confidential?

Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.

What ever happened to the Energizer Bunny?

So the other day I'm talking to a friend about what happened to the Energizer Bunny. It's been quite sometime since I've seen him appear in a commercial. I was always under the impression that he "kept going." My friend proceeds to tell me the Energizer Bunny was arrested last year ,and they charged him with battery. Now it all makes sense.

What's your best racist joke?

I was just looking for some good racially insensitive jokes for my friends. Gimme your worst, Reddit.

What was the aardvark's favorite Lady Gaga song?

Just Ants. Credit: My friend, the PUNisher.

What does Chris Brown tell his friends when he sees Rihanna at a party?

I hit that.

What's the worst part about getting AIDS?

Having to tell your friend his kids should get tested.

What do women call men who are shorter than 5'7"?

Friends

Why doesnt ray charles see his friends ?

Because he is married .

Why was the clownfish sad?

Because its friends were anemones.

What's the difference between real life Friends and the cast of the show Friends?

The ability to binge watch Friends with your friends.

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Why can't Stevie Wonder see his friends...?

Because he's married. (I'll see myself out).

What do black people with Down's Syndrome call their friends?

Their Chromies

What should I do?

Me: Court her. Friend: Dude, I don't have any change...

What do all my friends and my dad have in common?

i didnt have either growing up

How to lose a gf: Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?

Me: *names two of them*

Why cant Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he's Blind Married

What did the seamen say to his friend?

It was a long road, but I ended up coming out a head.

What did the biscuit say when it saw two friends knocked down?

Crumbs!

Why couldn't Stevie Wonder see his friends?

Because he was married.

How did the emu feel when his friends disowned him for being too big?

Ostrich-sized.

Why does Rilla get mad when he's in a race?

A. Because all his friends shout "GO-RILLA!"

What is a Redditors favorite animal?

A cat because we are lonely... I need friends.

What does an excited karate pupil say to his friend when greeting him?

HIYAH!

Why did my friend throw my computer out the window?

So A Dell could message me and say Hello from the other side.

What's the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things Me petting a bee: You're not strange are you Alan

What's the easiest way to end a friendship?

Just asking for a friend

What is the best Vitamin for friendship?

B1. Because no one wants to be friends with a guy in a metabolic coma due to a thiamine deficiency.

Why would you stay friends with an ex-girlfriend?

When you get fired from a job, you don't stay around and watch other people do your job.

What's the difference between a French Knight and my friend with a genie?

One's a Paladin, and the other's my pal Alladin

How does a skeleton call her friends?

On a telebone.

What did the pigeon say after its friend landed a sick flip?

Coo.

Whenever I meet a Jim I ask, "is that short for Jimberly?

and I have few friends in real life.

Why did u jump off that bridge?

My friend did it too "Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u " Yes. I literally just said that

What did the yogi say to his friends when they asked him to leave?

Nah I'ma stay"

What do you call a pot smoker that spends every night dancing and drinking with his friends?

A Rastapartying

What shoes are hard to wear?

Dark Soles Terrible gaming pun. My friend posted this on FB, thought I would share.

Why should every woman know a C++ programmer?

Because they'll always let friends access their private members. Ba dum tiss.

What's next - people marrying dogs?

nervous glance at dog Dog: Frank, we've been over this. I like you as a friend

What did the man reply to his friend that found a good paying job taking care of mentally challenged people?

Answer: Oh, so it has its ups and downs.

How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on?

asking for a friend

What does a horny frog say?

Rubbit. Stole this from a friend.

This joke may have profanity.

How many of our friends do you see?

Just Juan.

What do you call the family members of the Force?

Force-kin My friend made this up today while talking about Star Wars.

Why couldn't Ray Charles see his friends?

Because he was married

Why shouldn't you be friends with a broken clock?

Because it won't even give you the time of day.

What did Little Bo Peep say to Woody when she got caught screwing Buzz?

You got a friend in me.

Why was the new Mexican sad?

He was out of meth. Why was the old Mexican sad All his friends are dead.

What will it be for you, my friend?

the vendor asks. "Make me one with everything"

What did the psychic velociraptor say to his friend?

Dino what you're thinking."

What do you call your friend thats a detective?

Your Sherlock Homie

What did the maggot say to his friend when he got stuck in an apple ?

Worm your way out of that one !

Why doesn't Saran Wrap have any friends?

Because it sticks to itself.

Why are Twitter jokes not as funny when you read them aloud to a friend?

It's not like they had to be there...

What's a good movie?

Me: "Snakes on a plane" Friend: "Whats it about " Me: "Horses... horses on a boat"

What do you call a pirate with no friends?

Ginger Beard

How do you know when a white girl recently visited her friends grave?

There's Starbucks next to the headstone.

What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?

Boy Hero: I had to do it. He had my skates on.

What do french fries and friends have in common?

They both die if you chop them

Who Wants to be a Millionaire Me: I'm stumped. Can I phone a friend?

Host: What's your friend's name Me: Wikipedia.

Where're you going?

Me: To dinner with my friends! Mom: Your friends Me: I'm going to use McDonalds' free Wifi to get on twitter...

How does an Australian call his friend from the Czech Republic?

Czechmate

What do you NEVER call a black man?

a friend

Who is always your friend at school?

Your princi-pal.

Why does the mushroom have a lot of friends?

He's a fungi

What did the Loch Ness Monster say to his friend?

Long time no sea.

What do you call a mythical milkshake?

Legendairy (credits to my friend Edward Feng for this really dumb pun)

Why is a room of 50 doctors safer than a room with 1000 doctors?

You can't survive in 1000 degrees. *credit to my friend Neriah.

Why did the fire fighter go in to save his friend first, and then fight the fire?

Because... bros before hose!!! Wubbulubbadub-dub!

What do you call a child with no friends?

A target

What does an egg say when he gets turnt?

Om lit cred: my friend DaMexicanBurrito from playstation.

Which kind?

Friend: "Motivational."

What do you call a projectile that is very good at finding friends?

A homie missile.

Why was the lobster upset?

Because he found out his friends thought he was a little crabby!

Where's my money?

a loan shark "Where are my friends - alone shark

What would the name on the cat's bowl be?

It would be 'Bowl' and all of your friends would leave you because you are an idiot and named your cat Bowl.

What's it called when you borrow cheese from a friend?

taking out a provoloan

Why do Swedish men always have stupid grins on their faces?

Because they're stupid" said her friend.

What kind of music does an inspired Latin fish listen to?

Carp E.D.M. Credit to my friend for this one.

What is wrong with me?

Asking for a friend..

What did the snail say when his friend lost his car?

Where did Es-car-go.

Why can't a guy see his friends?

Because he's married.

What My Friend Said Once They Discovered The Existence of Gravitational Waves?

Friend: Good, now they will make microwaves that cook my chicken fingers faster. Say what now

How do you know your friends are pleased with your Facebook post?

They like it!

Why don't you people see how racist Pokemon Go is?

All of my friends are now talking about how they have to catch Amal.

When you go to a regular movie, a friend asks you "so how good was the movie?

When you go to an M.night Shamylan movie a friend asks " So how bad was the plot twist "

Why did the pancake cross the road?

His friends egged him on

What does a guy with no friends be for Halloween?

Depressed

What did Jay Z say when his friend died?

No Biggie.

Why is Dr. Frankenstein never lonely?

He's good at making friends.

What did the claustrophobic fungi say to his friends?

There's not mushroom in here

Why do trees have so many friends?

They branch out

How does a witch make scrambled eggs?

She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.

How many plug-in air fresheners does it take to mask the decay of human flesh?

I'm asking for for a friend.

What do you call your friend Splee at a soiree?

A PARTY SPLUNGE!

What is he doing now?

Friend: "Nothing" Me: "But I thought he got the job! " Friend: "Yes he did."

What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth?

Hard cheese.

What happened after the man borrowed a sad movie from his friend?

He lost it.

What can I bring to your party?

Friend: A six pack. does 10 crunches cancels

Why does the lemon feel uncomfortable making friends outside of tumblr?

Because it has cis-trust issues

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