Santa Jokes

What'd u ask Santa for 6: a speed boat M: like a Lego boat?

6: no M: oh for the bath 6: no M: the pool 6: *doesnt break eye contact* no

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How will Santa get in?

Me: Probably through my credit card. 5: what Me: what

What can Santa give away and still keep?

A cold.

What do Pimps and Santa have in common?

They stay with 3 ho's

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson!

What is Santa's favorite type of cookie?

Ask your dad.

Why does Santa go down the chimney?

Because it **soots** him. Credit: Curious: The Tourist Guide

What is Santa saying to Mrs. Claus right now?

I told you it would rain, dear.

What does Mrs Claus say to Santa when he's not spending enough time with her?

You're getting too wrapped up in your work!

Why didn't Santa give presents to any world leaders?

Because he thinks they're part of the illumi-naughty

What do you call Santa living at the South Pole?

A lost clause.

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What is the difference... What is the difference between Santa Claus and Tiger Woods?

Santa stops at three hoes.

What does Santa say when he is sick?

OH OH NO!

How is Santa able to carry so many presents at once?

Santa isn't real.

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

Why did Santa bring his sack with him when starring in the pantomime?

He wanted to have some stage presents.

What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa as they were looking out their front window?

Looks like rein dear"

What's The Difference Between Santa and a Muslim?

Santa will be able to enter the united states next year!

Why doesn't Santa hitch his sleigh to a pig?

Pigs don't have red noses.

What happens when Santa get stuck in a chimney?

He gets claustrophobic!

What goes HO HO HO thud?

Santa laughing his head off. What goes HO HO HO A Pimp taking inventory.

What does Santa say when he goes fox hunting?

A: Tally hohoho!

Why is santa always so happy?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

What's the difference between a Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops at 3 ho's

Where does Santa stash his money?

In a snowbank.

Who sings "Love me tender" and makes Christmas toys?

Santa's little Elvis.

What would santa be if he was a farmer?

A jolly rancher.

What do you call Santa without toys?

A lost Clause

How did the urologist ruin his Christmas?

OC He looked inside Santa's sack.

Why doesn't Santa have to pay for parking?

Because it's on the house.

Who picks it up?

Santa. The other two don't exist.

What do you get if you cross Santa with a detective?

Santa Clues. Credit: Curious: The Tourist's Guide

What did Santa say when he saw your mom, sister, and girlfriend all together in the same room?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

What does Santa call the elf police?

The Po Po Po.

What's the most messed up trap for Santa?

A Nicolas Cage.

What was Santa's christmas-present for the kid with no hands?

new gloves for the cold days

What's red and goes "Oh, Oh, Oh!"?

Santa walking backwards.

What's the difference between Santa and a pimp ?

Santa has just 3 Ho's...

What do you call children who are afraid of Santa ?

They are Clausaphobic

What is another name for Santa's elves?

Subordinate Clauses! Merry Christmas everyone.

Who'd win if Batman fought Santa?

Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.

What did the horse say to Santa?

Nothing, horses can not speak.

What drink does Santa give to naughty children?

Coala

Why does Santa have 3 houses?

One for each of his hoes.

Why did Santa divorce Mrs Clause?

because he only came once a year

What do you call Santa's wife?

Mrs Claus. I'll see myself out.

What's the difference between Santa and Justin Beiber?

Santa stops at 3 Ho's

Whats the point of calling it "secret Santa"?

Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

What do you want for Christmas?

Me: a dragon! Santa: noo, be realistic Me: a girlfriend Santa: * cough * what color do you want your girlfriend

What's Santas favorite band?

Sleigher.

What does Santa call it when Mrs. Claus gives him road head?

Getting sleighed.

Why was Missis Claus mad last night?

A: Santa came early

What band does Santa listen to while delivering presents?

Slayer.

Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?

They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.

What does a black Santa say?

Hoe, hoe, hoe.

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Clause?

With Santa it is only three hoes and he's done.

What's the difference between Santa Claus and Harry Potter?

Santa would never free an elf.

What's the difference between Santa and a black man?

Santa stops after the third Ho

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Stop Jokes More Stop Jokes

What is something that basically stops when you stare at it, but flys by when you dont?

There are two answere: Time and Boo (from Mario games). Just made this joke up what do you guys think

What's orange and white and stops at sunlight?

Gingers

Girlfriend Jokes More Girlfriend Jokes

What do my iPhone and my girlfriend have in common?

They both go off again two minutes later to remind me of the same thing.

Why wasn't Hamlet sad when his girlfriend drowned?

He was more of a necrOpheliac anyway.

People Jokes More People Jokes

How do you write an essay that blows people away?

With lots of drafts

How many people with Alzheimer's did it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Deer nuts are under a buck.

What's the difference between a tuna, a piano, and a tub of glue?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano tuna.

Kidnap Jokes More Kidnap Jokes

What did the Chili's waitress say about her kidnapped daughter?

I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.

What is worse than being kidnapped by the Talibans?

Being rescued by the Americans

Imagination Jokes More Imagination Jokes

What's the difference between my bed and my imagination?

You aren't naked in my bed.

Whats the odd one out ?

The man on the moon? Santa Claus? Or an honest Lawyer? Yes you got it Santa. The other two are figments of the imagination.

Present Jokes More Present Jokes

Why is toilet paper no good for wrapping presents?

Cos it's tear-able.

What did the boy with no arms or legs get for christmas?

I don't know, he hasn't opened his presents yet.

Ho Jokes More Ho Jokes

What do you call a skank playing "H.O.R.S.E?

She missed two shots, so she's a ho. I'll leave now.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?

Santa stops after three ho's.