Vegan Jokes

What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?

Skinning the vegan.

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What did the plant say to the vegan?

Leaf me alone.

What is it called when two Vegans get into an argument?

A Beef

How do most vegans die?

Malnutrition.

Why did the vegan avoid the confrontation?

He didn't want any beef.

What personal question is not obvious yet nobody has ever needed to ask anyone?

Are you vegan?

How do you know if someone is not a vegan?

They don't tell you

How do you know whether somebody is a vegan?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

How do you offend a vegan?

Cover your ears with your hands

How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to get up on his high horse and another to chastise the first about oppressing horses.

What's the difference between a vegan, a crossfit instructor, and a psychological test subject?

The test subject is the only one you'd willingly ask to "tell us about yourself."

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How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Oh don't worry, they'll let you know.

What was Aladdin called after he went Vegan?

Saladdin.

Why does vegan cheese taste bad?

It hasnt been tested on mice.

How can you tell that someone's a vegan?

Don't worry they'll tell you themselves.

What did the vegan say when he saw someone familiar?

I've seen herbivore.

How can you tell when a girl is vegan?

She'll tell you

How many feminists does it take to screw a vegan?

Lightbulb.

How do you spot a vegan at the gym?

Pretty much the same as anyone else.

What did the vegan give the homeless guy?

A lecture.

What's the hardest part about being a Vegan who does Crossfit and owns a Rescue dog?

Deciding which to tell people first.

How do you know if someone's a vegan?

When you ask them "Are you a vegan?" and they say "Yes".

What's the worst part about going down on a vegan?

They taste like chicken.

How do you spot a vegan at a party?

Don't worry, they'll let you know.

What do vegan zombies say?

GRAAAAAAINS!

How can you tell someone is vegan?

Don't worry, they'll tell you

What do vegan zombies crave?

GRRAAAAINS!!

How do you find a vegan at your dinner party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

How did the townspeople react when the mayor presented them with a cost efficient, vegan protein source?

They chia'd.

Why are vegans so salty?

To hide the fact that their food has no flavor.

What's the hardest part about being a vegan?

Waking up at 5 am to milk the almonds.

How do you spot the vegan at a party?

They'll tell you.

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. Vegans have the same capability of changing a lightbulb as non-vegans.

What do Vegans, ISIS and Feminists have in common?

None of them like pork.

What did the carnivore say to the vegan?

That's a missed-steak"

Why did vegan cross the road?

Because chicken came to his side.

How do you ask someone if they're Vegan?

You don't need to, they'll tell you

How do you tell when somebodies a vegan?

You don't, they will tell you.

How do you know when a vegan gets to the party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

How do you know if a complete stranger is vegan?

They already told you.

How do you identify a vegan?

Listen closely.

What do vegan white nationalists chant at rallies?

Sieg-Kale, Sieg-Kale!

Why do vegans hate themselves?

They are animal products.

How can you tell someone hates vegans, cross fitters, and atheists?

Don't worry, they'll repost a joke about it.

How do you know if someone is a vegan or has run a marathon?

They'll tell you

How can you spot a vegan in a crowded lunch hall?

Don't worry, they'll tell you and every other person there!

How many vegan people does it take to change a lightbulb?

One vegan, I am vegan, it was me - the vegan, I was the only vegan, it was me.

What can I get for you, Ma'am?

She says "Nothing, just wanted to tell you I'm vegan."

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Test Jokes More Test Jokes

What is mother-approved and child-tested?

Coat-Hanger Abortions

How do you test a saltshaker ?

You call in a redditor.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

How do you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask him/her to pronounce unionized

What's the difference between a special needs worker and a gardener?

One of them has to water their vegetables

High Horse Jokes More High Horse Jokes

How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to get up on his high horse and another to chastise the first about oppressing horses.

What do you say to someone riding a stoned horse?

Get off your high horse.

Hand Jokes More Hand Jokes

How long did you spend on your cosplay?

Me: Seven months A: *Hands me a badge marked "Casual"*

Why do happy Asians always have dirty hands?

If you're happy and you know it, crap your hands."

Need Jokes More Need Jokes

Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?

Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.

Why did the tree go to the dentist?

It needed a root canal.

Worry Jokes More Worry Jokes

How did Warren Buffets company survive the economic meltdown?

It's a trade secret, but don't worry, Berkshire Hathaway

How can you tell if a person is a vegetarian?

Don't worry. They'll tell you they're a vegetarian.

Interrupt Jokes More Interrupt Jokes

What does the interrupting cow say?

HE SAYS MOO oh wait this joke totally doesn't work in text

How do you interrupt a Redditor's winning streak?

The Game

Plant Jokes More Plant Jokes

What are you planting?

said Watson. "It's a lemon tree, my dear Watson."

Why did the plant use a dating service?

To find its stomate!