Eye Jokes

What's the biggest fish you ever caught?

That would be the one that measured fourteen inches...." "That's not so big!" "Between the eyes "

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Why did God make pubic hair curly?

So we don't poke our eyes out.

What do Japanese people call.. -What do Japanese people call their japs eye?

My eye

What do you call a terrorist who's missing an eye?

Him: I give up Me: A terrorst

How do government employees wink when they're at work?

They briefly open one eye.

What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Shut up.

How does a girl vampire flirt?

She bats her eyes.

What's the cleanest country in the world (in the eyes of the Germans?

Nigeria.

Why shouldn't you tell secrets on the farm?

The corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the beanstalk.

What has six eyes, four wings and eight legs?

Two chickens and a goat.

Why do my eyes hurt?

Because I got eye lashes.

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Why did the dog have a gleam in his eye?

Someone bumped his elbow while he was brushing his teeth.

What do rodents say when they play bingo ?

Eyes down for a full mouse' !

Why can't two blind people get along?

They can't see eye to eye.

What color was the Dallas shooters eyes?

Blue. One blue this way and one blue that way.

What do you get when you cross a fish with no eyes?

PETA

Why did the man fall in love with the banana whilst on a London attraction?

Because it was a-peeling on the Eye.

Why should apiarists determine standards of beauty?

Because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What has six legs two arms four eyes and a tail?

A man holding an aardvark.

What has six eyes but cannot see?

Three men in a house with dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be folded and kids that need a bath

What's the funniest joke you've heard that can be told to a 5th grader?

I always loved this one: (works better said out loud of course) What do you call a fish with no eyes ... A FSHHH

What do you call a fish without eyes?

A FSSSSSHHHH

Why were the sandwich fillers eyes too close together?

Because he was in-bread.

Why do Japanese women like foreign men?

Japanese men can't look them in the eye. Kappa

Why do liberals travel in threes?

A: One to read one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.

What do you call a deer with no eyes that isn't moving?

Still no idea.

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop everyone applauds...w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer

What do you prefer, honey?

A smart woman or a beautiful woman -Neither sweetie, you know I only have eyes for you

How did Columbus's men sleep on their ships ?

With their eyes shut !

What kind of people have the most beautiful eyes?

Beekeepers. Because beauty is in the eye of the beeholder.

Why do hunters close one eye before shooting?

Because if they close the other, they can't see!

What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes ?

Antteneye !

Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out?

I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A: They don't have balls to scratch.

What has two heads, four eyes, six legs, and a tail?

A: A horse and rider.

What has four legs and see just as well from either end?

A horse with his eyes closed!

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?

A: I have my eye on you.

Why do you hold your hand flat above your eyes when you look into the distance?

Because when you would cover your eyes with your hand, you wouldn't see sh*t. I'm lame.

What has eyes but can't see?

Hellen Keller

Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?

Cause they don't have balls to scratch

Why was the fish swimming backwards?

It didn't want to get water in its eyes.

What has two feet, two hands, two eyes, and two noses?

Two pirates.

How does the chef prepare the chicken?

The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"

Why are dogs always SENSITIVE?

Because they have tears in their eyes

Why do think that?

The boy responds "Because he closes his eyes when he kisses me."

What do you like about me?

Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards. Her: What Me: Your eyes

What have 12 legs six eyes three tails and can't see ?

Three blind mice !

What do you call... What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?

A doyouthinkhesawus (saurus)!

What do you say when you catch a deer with no eyes?

I have no-eye-deer! (Unless you're a dad, you may need to sound it out)

How'd you get that cut above your eye?

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"

What has no eyes and four legs?

No idea.

Why does a girls rub her eyes in the morning?

A. Because they don't have balls to itch.

What do you call a pirate with two legs, two arms and two eyes?

Noob.

Why is Congress like a cold?

Because sometimes the ayes (eyes) have it and sometimes the no's (nose).

What is the first thing a blind man says?

My eyes! My eyes!

What's the difference between the Polish and polish?

No one bats an eye if you use chemicals to remove polish, but if you use chemicals to remove the Polish, most of the world will turn against you

Why are your eyes covered in ketchup?

I'm often asked by people: "Why are your eyes covered in ketchup " So I tell them it's because Heinz sight is 20/20.

What do you mean you can't sleep?

It's so easy I could do it with my eyes close! Me: *walks away*

Why are your eyes dilated?

Me: "Your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love" Mom: "What were you looking at " Me: "Memes"

What's the square root of optimus prime?

I'm not sure, but it's more than meets the eye.

Don't look at the eclipse through a colander.

You'll strain your eyes.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig

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