Tie Jokes

How do Germans tie their shoelaces?

In little knotsies....

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What do you get if you tie two camels together by the tails?

A palindromedary.

What did the hat say to the tie?

You hang around. I'll go on a head.

What's a Southeastern Asian business professional's favorite food?

Tie food

Why can't Chinese people tie their shoes?

I would love to tell you, but I am afraid the answer is a little bit lacist.

Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was drunk Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? He was tied to the first one Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? Peer Pressure

How did Adolf tie his shoes?

With two knotzies.

How do you stop an elephant going through the eye of a needle?

By tying a knot on its tail.

What do you call it when you tie a brick to a jar of Miracle Whip and throw it into the ocean?

Sink-o de Mayo"

What is the main material used in the manufacture of TIE fighters?

TIE tanium

Whats the difference between a noose and a leash?

How high you tie it on a tree.

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What do you call 10 Ethiopians tied together?

A raft

What do you call a sheep tied to a lamp post in New Zealand?

A community centre

What did tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead, I'll hang around.

How do you tie two half ducks together?

with ducktape!!

What did the shoelace say when I tried to tie it?

Uh, like, can you knot?

What did Katy Perry steal from Dr. Frankenstein's closet?

The Tie of the Igor.

What did the Irishman say about the RC car tied to his scrotum?

It drives me nuts.

How do you shut an Italian up?

Tie his hands behind his back

What do the Welsh call a sheep when it's tied to a lamp post?

The leisure centre.

What do you call an Aztec Mayan snake god tied in a knot?

Pretzalcoatl

Who lands first?

The Italian. The black is tied to the tree.

How do you always keep your shoes tied?

Replace the laces with earphones.

How do you stop an Italian from talking?

Tie his hands together

What's the difference between an Engineering student and an Arts student when tying their shoes?

The arts student gets a mark for it.

Why did the kidnapped clock always read 12:00?

His hands were tied.

Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?

Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*

What did one strand of yarn say to the other?

I'm not ready to dye, I still have a few ends to tie up. "Ball up..."

What did the burglar say to the watchmaker as he tied him up?

Sorry to take so much of your valuable time.

How do you mute an Italian?

Tie up their hands.

How do you drive an accountant completely insane?

Tie him to a chair stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

How did the alien tie his shoes?

With an astroknot.

What's a sailor's favorite kind of knot?

It's a tie.

What do you call a monkey with a white bandanna tied to his tail?

A surrender monkey

Why didn't the Duke of Windsor let his French servant help him tie his tie?

He never does it with a four-in (foreign)-hand.

What do you call a morbidly obese hippy?

Tie Dyeabetes

Why couldn't the hippie reach his tie dyed T-shirt?

Because it was Far Out!

Why do countries "cut ties" when things get tense ?

So weird having men walk around in suits and half ties.

What kind of tie is best to wear in a fight?

Muay Thai

Where do Tie Fighters sit in church?

In the *pew*.

What kind of tie does a ghost wear to a formal party?

A boo-tie.

What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?

A: You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what

How do you make an Italian deaf?

Tie their hands behind their back.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch?

He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Who won the race between two balls of string?

They we're tied!

What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?

A: Root position cords.

What do they do with rope in space?

Tie Astro-knots.

How about some snappy one-liners?

Ironically, the only way you could get me to watch 50 shades of gray is if you tied me up and forced me to watch it.

What did the tie say to the neck?

I think I'll just hang around.

What is the result?

A tie.

How do they tie things down on the space station?

They use astro knots.

Why did you tie a rope on that criminal?

Officer: You ordered me to get a line on the suspect.

What do you call an actor from Alabama that is forced by contract to play a certain character in a production?

Role tied.

What type of knot do you tie in space?

An astronaut.

Why did the Englishman wear a tie to his vasectomy?

Because he wanted to look mptnt

Why couldn't the shoes go out and play?

A: They were all tied up.

This joke may have profanity.

Why did the black guy wear a suit and tie to his vasectomy?

Well, if I'm gonna be impotent, I'm gonna look impotent."

What kind of tie does a pig wear ?

Pig's tie !

How are you doing this morning?

Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you

Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?

It ended in a tie.

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What ghost did Ebenezer Scrooge encounter when he refurnished his home?

The shadow of his former shelf.

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Why are chickens never invited to the party?

They are always party fowls.

Why should you never invite a pig to join your tug-of-war team?

Pigs want to be pulled through the mudhole.

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Why is it hard to hold a speech at a nudist convention?

It does not help to imagine people in their underwear.

How many Canadians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just two. One to politely ask and the other to politely help.

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Who'd win if Batman fought Santa?

Before u say Batman, just remember who's watching you answer.

Why can't horses vote?

Cause their answer is always 'nay'. I'm sorry, I'll leave...

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Where are average things manufactured?

The satisfactory.

Why did the employee get fired from the calendar manufacturing company?

He took a day off

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Why can't a nihilist use a pencil?

because they cant find the point.

What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?

A: She turned it over and used the other side.

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Why aren't pigs invited to black tie events?

Haven't you ever seen pig's tie? It's filthy!

What kind of tie does a pig wear ?

Pig's tie !

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What's one thing you hated as a kid but love as an adult?

Molestation.

What did Casper say to his girlfriend?

I love you, boo!!