Woman Jokes

What's the three fastest ways of communication?

Telephone, telegraph, and tell-a-woman.

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Couple's Daily Question Mug

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What is Caitlyn Jenner's favorite song?

More than a Woman by the BeeGees

Why did the woman take a load of hay to bed?

To feed her nightmare.

Why do women like men with moustaches?

Because they immediately see something about you they can change.

How many women have you slept with My wife asked me, "How many women have you slept with?

I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

How many women does it take. . . to screw in a lightbulb in a convent?

Nun.

How do you know that God isn't a woman?

Because I'm not a sandwich.

Why did Yoda never get married?

Because when he was standing by alter, and asked "If he would take this women as his lawful wedded wife " His response was "Do I "

What does a chauvinistic doctor use as a general term for women with high cholesterol?

A Broad Stroke...

What'll it be, love?

The woman replies, "I'll take a double entendre." So he gave it to her.

Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?

They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

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How do you know when a woman is about to say some thing intelligent?

She starts her sentance with "A man once told me"

Whats 12 inches long and drives women crazy?

NSFW A still born...

This joke may have profanity.

What is the difference between men and women?

A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

What happens to a woman who falls down the stairs?

Nothing, as long as she doesn't drop my beers

What does autocorrect and women have in common?

They both jump to concussion

Why is it hard for men to understand women?

Because you have to study abroad to understand them.

Why do women make better soldiers?

Because they can bleed for a week and not die.

What's long, hard and makes a woman moan when erect?

An ironing board.

Why do women make such horrible capenters?

Because for years men have telling them that ---------------- is 8 inches long.

How can a woman make you a millionaire?

When you marry her as a billionaire.

What's 7 inches and makes women submissive?

A knife.

Why do more men die in car crashes than woman?

Because women are at the wheel.

What's six inches long that women love?

Folding money.

Why does Reddit love Ronda Rousey so much?

she hits women

How can you tell this joke was submitted by a woman?

No, wait.

Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job?

What's so glamorous about cleaning up after horses

What do you tell a women with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice.

What's 12" long, rock hard in the morning, and makes a woman cry?

A dead baby.

Why do women aged 40+ not play hide and seek?

cause nobody would be looking for them.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other Ilene. What do you cal an Asian woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Irene

What do you get when you cross the Cosby Show with Law &amp Order: SVU?

Women Say the Darndest Things

What hurts more giving birth or being kicked in the balls?

A women will normally want more children after a year or two. No man has ever wanted another kick in the balls. Case closed.

What is the difference between a women driving strawberries?

None, both are collect in a field.

What do you call a woman with egg and sausage on here face?

Cafe

How many women are necessary to change a lightbulb?

One... but, what does it matter if she will ask a man to do it !

Why do women over 40 don't play hide and seek?

Because nobody is looking for them.

Why couldn't Hillary win the election?

Women only win .7 votes for every one a man wins.

Why don't women work as long and as hard as men in the office?

They do it right first time.

Why did Carrie Fisher enjoy doing her one-woman show?

Because she nailed that Solo.

What do women call men under 6 inches?

Friends.

What did the cannibal say after he ate a woman in the Coliseum?

He's gladiator.

What are the three fastest forms of communication?

Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency?

So the men can think of a solution in silence.

Why cant a Mexican man sleep with three women at once?

Fear of over dos

When do men insist that women are illogical?

When a woman doesn't agree with them.

Why do women and children evacuate first in an emergency?

So the men can go on Reddit and repost this joke.

What is a four-letter word for a woman that ends in "unt"?

Aunt.

Why haven't Women landed on the Moon?

Because it doesn't need cleaning yet!

What does a woman have in common with a KFC meal?

Once your are done with the juicy breasts and tender thighs, all that's left is a greasy box to throw your bone in.

Why was he woman arrested on a cattle ranch for wearing a silk dress?

She was charged with rustling!

Why did cavemen drag their women around by the hair?

Because if they dragged them by the ankles, they'd fill up with muck.

What do you call a woman who is paralysed from the waist down?

Married.

What would you call a woman who goes out with You?

Desperate!

What did the woman say while she was having a baby?

This could use some salt."

When will there be a woman in the White House?

A: When Hillary leaves town.

How do you know if a woman is hot for you?

When you stick your hand in her underpants it feels like you're feeding a horse.

Why do men, on average, die before women?

Because they want to.

What's worse than a chauvinist man?

A woman who doesn't know her place.

Why do women have trouble parking?

Because men tell them that 6" is more than it actually is.

What's the worst thing about being a transgender?

Having the women inside of you telling you what to do.

How do you get a woman to stop texting you?

Reply to her message within a minute

What do you say to a woman with only one tooth?

Nice tooth.

What do you call a women with 1 leg?

ilene

How do you call it when you get a eMail from a Women?

FeMail.

What did the man with Verizon say to the woman with Sprint?

You better Sprint on over to the Verizon store.

What did the woman say when she was diagnosed with cerebal palsy?

Nothing, she was too disabled to speak

Why do women forget if you call them beautiful 100 times but remember if you call them ugly once?

Elephants have good memory

Why are ugly guys better with computers then women?

Turning off a computer often fixes the problem.

What's the difference between a herpes and jacuzzi?

i let women know that i have a jacuzzi

Where do you touch a woman to give yourself the most pleasure?

The back of her head.

Why do woman make terrible truck drivers?

Because you give them one good load and it takes them nine months to deliver.

What is the difference between a "Battery" and a woman?

ANSWER: A battery has a positive side.

Why did the woman turn to her husband and say "now who the hell would dump such a nice sofa out here in the woods?

She was looking at a bear and thought it was a sofa due to the four legs.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of at tennis court?

Annette!

What's the leading cause of obesity in women?

Wedding rings

What's in front of a woman and in the back of a cow?

The W. Yeah my dad just busted this joke on me.

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Church Jokes More Church Jokes

What is the difference between a church and a cult?

Their Punch.

What do flies do at church?

Flyspray

Come Jokes More Come Jokes

Why can't you hear Django coming?

The D is silent.

What a glum face what would you say if I came to school with a face like yours ?

Pupil: I'd be too polite to mention it !

Expose Jokes More Expose Jokes

Which one do you like/hate?

217 Problems Springfield exposed Springfaild

What's the difference between a guitar and an elevator?

I didn't expose myself inside a guitar this morning.

Difference Jokes More Difference Jokes

What's the difference between England and an egg cup?

An egg can stay in the cup longer

Whats the difference between children and lesbians?

Children shouldn't run with scissors. Lesbians shouldn't scissor with the runs.

Open Jokes More Open Jokes

Why doesn't an old man ever go down on his old wife?

Ever opened a grilled-cheese sandwich?

Why aren't Hindu and Chinese people allowed to play hockey?

A: Because everytime they go into the corner they open up a convienent store.

Guy Jokes More Guy Jokes

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?

He's all right now.

What do you call a guy who falls into a Yellowstone hot spring?

Stew.

Trunk Jokes More Trunk Jokes

Why did the elephants go on a diet?

A: Because they had too much junk in the trunk.

What's the best way to cross the border?

In the trunk of a car.

Ease Jokes More Ease Jokes

Why don't you remove those barriers to imports?

It will ease my inflation and the benefits will trickle down.

What can happen when a car breaks down?

A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."