Woman Jokes

What's the Difference between a Girl and a Woman?

Prison

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
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Why is the men's room always located to the left?

Because women are always right.

What is something a woman hates about a man but a man would love about a woman?

Premature ejactulation.

Why is a gun better than a woman?

You can buy a silencer for a gun

Why couldn't the woman date a German man?

Because she was Klaustrophobic!

What do women and police cars have in common?

They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.

What do you call a woman rolling around on a beach?

Sandy

How do you end an argument with a woman?

Tell her to calm down. You're dead now but the argument is over.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

How many times does a woman laugh after you tell her a joke?

Three. When you tell it to her, then when you explain it to her, and then when she gets it.

What's six inches long, has two nuts, and gives women big bellies?

Almond Joy.

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What kinds of people don't get invited to blonde parties?

A: Women!

What's in your mom's tummy?

5-year-old: A baby. Woman: What kind of baby 5-year-old: A human one. Nailed it.

Why do women have cleaner minds than men?

Because they change theirs more often

What do you call a woman without an sshole?

A: Divorced

Why don't women fart?

They can't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

What did Bob Marley say to his wife after he opened the fridge?

No, Woman, no pie."

Why is the difference between brucellosis and brucellitis like the difference between a woman and an LGBT woman?

One is real and the other isn't.

Why did cavemen... drag their women by the hair?

So they wouldn't fill up with gravel.

What is the definition of 'making love'?

Something a woman does while a guy is f***ing her.

Why don't women wear dresses in the winter?

A: They could get chapped lips!

Why are men afraid of the world?

They spend 9 months trying to get out of a woman and the rest of their life trying to get back in.

What do women and modern computers have in common?

Neither one will accept a 3 and a half inch floppy

What does a battery have that a women hasn't?

A positive side....

What's the difference between a woman and a plate?

You can't lick a woman dry. Rimshot*

What gets wetter the more you dry?

A woman on a tumble dryer! (Bet you thought I was gonna say 'a towel', didn't you, silly redditors )

What is the similarity between Disney World and a woman?

They both make you wait 2 hours for a 30 second ride!

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women love Jordan Spieth?

Because he came second.

How is a woman who got her winter coat at Target similar to an officer on leave?

They both got their fur low.

Why won't a woman sleep with you after a date at Burger King?

Because you have to court her before you pound her.

Why couldn't the woman buy a bakery shop?

A: She couldn't raise enough dough.

Why do women wear striped bras?

Because it's a ZEBRA.

What do you call a woman who marries an old ugly and poor man?

A: Stupid!

What did the woman do when a lemon tree fell her cat?

Nothing, she just stood there with a sour puss

Why divorce now after all this time together?

Woman: We wanted to wait until the kids were dead.

What do women want?

She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.

Why did God make man before woman?

You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

What is little, red and crawling up a womans leg?

A failed abortion with homesickness.

This joke may have profanity.

What do women and saxophones have in common?

They both blow and make different noises when you finger them.

How old?

Woman: "Thanks, she's 34 weeks. Do you have the time " Me: "Sure, it's 972 minutes past midnight."

Why are men better cooks than women?

Because with a sausage, a couple of eggs, and some cream, a man can keep a woman full for 9 months.

What do you call a woman who will sleep with absolutely anybody?

Public storage.

How many women fits in a monk monastery?

Nun.

How do you silence a group of women?

Bring out your camera.

Why did the woman refuse to pay for her Brazilian waxing?

A: Because it was a total rip-off.

What do you call a woman made out of beef?

Patty

Why did the woman take her third aborted fetus to see the priest on Sunday?

Half Life 3 Confirmed!

What do you call 5 guys who have no arms or legs and a woman floating in the water together?

Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob and Ann

What's one thing today that women are better at than men compared to the 1800's?

Gold digging

How do we not know what women want yet?

There are tons of conflicting lists all over the internet.

How do you understand women?

I really just want to know.

What happens when a woman can't remember her mastectomy?

Mammary loss &ampnbsp I made this up myself!

Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague?

A: He was looking for a Czech mate.

What did the computer technician say to the woman about her virus infected laptop?

Ma'am, we cleaned your dirty bits and suggest getting a bigger hard drive"

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

3.99 a minute.

What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?

Deceased

Why was Helen Keller a terrible driver?

Because she was a woman

Why are Muslim men allowed 4 wives?

Because "Islam gives women equal rights!"

What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with Vegetables?

Mrs Hawking

Who are we?

Women!" "What do we want " "We don't know!" "When do we want it " "Now!"

How does a woman show she's planning for the future?

Plastic Surgery.

What's better than seeing a woman wrestle?

Seeing her box.

Why didn't I play in the Woman's world chess championships?

Because I ran

Why did God invent women?

You think he's gonna wash the dishes

How many women have you slept with wife asked husband, "How many women have you slept with?

he proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."

Why was the women unable to leave the boutique?

She couldn't find the Dior

Why do Spanish beaches have a lot of women?

Cos they're playas.

What do you yell when a woman falls of a boat?

Full speed ahead

Why women mature faster than men?

Because men start growing breasts only after 40 years old.

What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long has a head on it and that women love so much that they often blow it?

A: a $20 bill

How does a woman apologize to a man?

I'm sorry, but it's your fault.

What do women and dog poop have in common?

The older they are the easier they are to pick up.

What does a muslim man call a woman he wants to sleep with, but can't due to religious reasons?

Harambae

Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?

It doesn't need cleaning.

Why was Hellen Keller a bad driver?

She is a woman.

Why Do Women Love Jesus?

He was well hung and super into cross fitting!

Why does Islam marginalize their women?

Because she ain't special, Shiite.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A: They don't have balls to scratch.

How do you know when a woman is pregnant?

She switches from Ragu to Prego.

Why do women prefer a 77 instead of a 69?

Slightly NSFW) Because they get 8 more.

This joke may have profanity.

What is the similarity between women and garbagebags?

You fill them up and toss them out the door!

Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine?

A: It depends on the age.

Where would men be without women?

The Garden of Eden

What's 6" long and women love it?

100$ bill.

What's wrong with the sentence "Jack and Jill is playing in the field?

Women should be first.

What do you call a woman on a cruise ship in Mexico using the diving board at the pool?

A broad abroad on a board aboard.

What do women and fuses have in common?

They blow when they get turned on.

Why did the women cross the road?

Well thats not the point what is she doing out of the kitchen !!!

Why do women have legs for?

To not leave a snail trail behind them.

What's long and hard and makes women groan?

An ironing board.

Why do Women get So Big when they're Pregnant?

To give their kids a wide birth.

How are women like rocks?

You skip the flat ones.

What is the difference between a woman and a forklift?

There is none. In both cases, if you don't have one, you unload by hand.

What do men and women have in common?

They both distrust men.

Why is women's soccer so rare?

It's quite hard to find enough women willing to wear the same outfit.

What's the best way to get a youthful figure?

ANSWER: Ask a woman her age.

Why did Helen Keller fail her road test?

Because she was a woman

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why are people so impressed with voice control?

Women have been around for 100,000 years

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Black Man Jokes More Black Man Jokes

What does Robert, Khloe, and Kim Kardashian all have in common?

They all know how to get black men off.

What do you call a black man with a gun ?

You call him "sir".

Man Jokes More Man Jokes

What did the man who survived a javelin headwound say to his opponent?

Thanks for opening my mind.

Why didn't the hippie save the drowning swimmer?

He was too far out man

Church Jokes More Church Jokes

Why Didn't Batman Go To Church?

Because of Christian Bail

What do you call Batman if he leaves church?

Christian bail.

Continue Jokes More Continue Jokes

Where does Lance Armstrong go to continue his education?

http://cms.bsu.edu/

What can happen when a car breaks down?

A woman's car breaks down on a busy highway. She manages to ease it over to the shoulder and gets out and opens the trunk. Immediately two men clothed only in trench coats leap out and begin to open and close their coats, exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. Pretty soon a police officer stops. "What's going on here?" the cop asks. "My car just broke down," the woman responds. "NO, I mean those two guys," the cop continues. "Oh," the woman replies, "they're just my emergency flashers."

Jail Jokes More Jail Jokes

Why did the green bean go to jail?

He was disturbing the peas.

Why was the paper man sent to jail?

He was caught rustling.

Open Jokes More Open Jokes

What did the guy without hands get for christmas?

We don't know, he hasn't opened the present yet

What did the mayonnaise say to the man opening the fridge door?

Don't look. I'm dressing."

Hole Jokes More Hole Jokes

What is the difference between a girl in a church, and a girl in a bathtub?

The girl in the church has hope in her soul, and the girl In the bathtub has soap in her hole.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke holes that it's often poked before?

A key.

Come Jokes More Come Jokes

Why is Reddit called "Reddit"?

The first name they came up with reminded them too much of olive oil.

Why doesn't Coffee get along with milk in Germany?

Cause it doesn't want to be latte. Sorry. I just came up with this lame joke. Downvotes ahoy!