Snake Jokes

What do you call a snake that works in the government?

A civil serpent

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What is the difference between St. Patrick and Christopher Columbus?

One drove all the snakes from Ireland, the other drove away all of the Native Americans.

Why don't snakes have legs?

Because otherwise they'd be lizards.

What is a Snake in a Cage ?

The tale of a rat.

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 metres long?

A thon

How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

Why did Snake walk into the bar?

Because he wears an eyepatch and has poor depth perception.

Why couldn't the snake charmer charm his snake?

He had a reptile dysfunction

What do snakes take to combat their allergies?

Anti-hissss-tamines!

What did Saint Patrick say as he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

Are ye alright in the back there lads?

What do snakes take for their sniffles?

Antihissssstamines!

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What do you call a stampede of mexicans running away from a snake?

panic

Why was the snake soft?

He had reptile dysfunction.

What should you do if you find a snake sleeping in your bed ?

Sleep in the wardrobe !

What did the snake say when offered a piece of cheese ?

Thanks I'll just have a sliver !

What does a sheep, a drum, and a snake all say when falling off of a cliff?

Baa-Dum-Sss

What kind of snake is it good to have on a car?

Windshield vipers.

What snakes are good at sums ?

Adders !

What kind of snake is good at math?

A: An adder.

What do you call a snake that rides around on the front of a car?

A windshield viper.

What's the difference between a headmaster and a poisonous snake ?

You can make a pet out of a snake !

What do you get when you cross pasta with a snake?

Spaghetti that winds itself around your fork.

What did the snake say when another asked him the time ?

Don't asp me !

Why are snakes hard to fool ?

They have no legs to pull !

What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig ?

A boar constrictor !

What do you get if you cross a snake and a hotdog ?

A fangfurter !sna

What do snakes use to build clocks?

Metal Gears

What subject are snakes good at school ?

Hiss-tory !

Why are snakes so difficult to pick up in Japan?

Because in Japan, snakes are hebi.

What kind of snake is useful on your windscreen ?

A viper !

Which snakes are found on cars?

Windscreen vipers.

Why don't snakes like Vitamin C?

Because it's an anti-hisstamine.

What do you get when you cross a snake with a plane?

A boeing constrictor

What do you say when you step on a snake?

Well that bites.

What's a good movie?

Me: "Snakes on a plane" Friend: "Whats it about " Me: "Horses... horses on a boat"

Which snake is the best at counting Nigerians?

A Black Adder

What did the snake say to the cornered rat ?

Hiss is the end of the line for you !

Why don't snakes have balls?

Because hardly any of them know how to dance.

What song to snakes like to sing ?

Viva Aspana !

What do you call a snake that tells bad jokes?

A corn snake

What did one snake say to another ?

Hiss off !

What do you get if you cross a snake and a lego set ?

A boa constructor !

What is the difference between an apple and an orange?

None, the two are not a snake

How can you tell if a snake is a baby snake?

It has a rattle.

What do you get if you cross a snake with a hotdog?

A fangfurther.

What do snakes write on the bottom of their letters?

With love and hisses.

Why wouldn't the snake go on the weighing maching ?

Because he had his own scales !

What's long green and goes hith ?

A snake with a lisp !

What did the snake say when he was offered a piece of cheese for dinner?

Thank you I'll just have a slither.

What kind of snake is good at building things?

A boa constructor.

What do you call a snake that likes history?

A HISSStorian.

Why shouldn't you bowl against a snake?

Because snakes make lots of strikes.

What sort of perfume do snakes prefer ?

Poison by Christian Dior !

What do snakes have on their bath towels ?

Hiss and Hers !

What do you call a snake that has been knighted?

Sir Pent...

What is an ark?

2) How 2 build ark 3) Can god just build ark 4) Are snakes necessary 5) Is god real or am I high

What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell ?

Addercadabra and abradacobra !

What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?

Fang mail.

What should you do if you find a snake in your bed?

Sleep in the wardrobe.

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 meters long?

A thon

Why do we measure snakes in inches?

Because they don't have any feet!

What do you call a snake with a degree in engineering?

A Boa Constructor

What snake do get when cross a calculator with a steam engine?

A puff-adder

What do you call a snake on viagra?

Rod!

This joke may have profanity.

Why can't you trust snakes ?

They speak with forked tongues !

What do you call a snake that always hangs around its mom?

A momma's boa.

What do you call a snake that studies past events?

A HISSSSStorian.

What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food ?

Snakes and Larders !sna

Why did some snakes disobey Noah when he said "Go forth and multiply" ?

They couldn't they were adders !

What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers ?

Fang letters !

What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo?

A:('A jump rope')"

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Hiss Jokes More Hiss Jokes

What do you call the loser in a hissing scratching cat fight?

A: Claude

What do snakes have on their bath towels ?

Hiss and Hers !

Bride Jokes More Bride Jokes

Why is the bride always sad on her wedding day?

Because she doesn't get to marry the best man.

What is said at the conclusion of a lesbian marriage ceremony?

You may fist the bride

Food Jokes More Food Jokes

Why are you giving a mouse any food?

That's unsanitary.

What is the similarity in between a dark joke and food?

Not everyone gets it

Measure Jokes More Measure Jokes

How do you measure a snake?

In inches. Snakes don't have any feet.

How do you measure love?

In hertz!

Tell Jokes More Tell Jokes

What did one smell say to the odor?

You stink at telling jokes."

How does someone with amnesia tell a joke?

I don't remember.

Christopher Columbus Jokes More Christopher Columbus Jokes

What did George Washington Abraham Lincoln and Christopher Columbus all have in common?

They were all born on holidays."

What is the difference between St. Patrick and Christopher Columbus?

One drove all the snakes from Ireland, the other drove away all of the Native Americans.

Government Jokes More Government Jokes

What kind of government does Disney World have?

A plutocracy

What do you call a group of spoiled children?

The government

Mummy Jokes More Mummy Jokes

What do you call an attraction to your own mummy?

A dedipus complex.

Why did the mummy cry himself to sleep every night?

Because he was empty inside.