Difference Jokes

A baptist will run into a liquor store, buy their alcohol and run out. A Methodist will walk into a liquor store and say high to everyone, then buy their alcohol and walk out. A catholic will show up to the store completely hammered, hug everyone, get their alcohol and stumble their way out of the store.

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger says, "Hey you, get offa' my cloud." A Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud, get offa' my ewe."

What's the difference between a political speech and a stand-up comic show?

They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.

What's the difference between Texas and Russia?

One's a disgusting cesspool full of paranoid, bigoted, anti-American sadists, and the other is really cold.

Whats the difference between a washing machine and a woman?

A washing machine doesn't follow you around after you dump a load in it.

What is the difference between a doorknob and a Zika baby's head?

When you twist the doorknob it doesn't scream.

What's the difference between a black guy and a canoe?

Canoes tip.

What's the difference between your mom and my computer?

I can still turn your mom on.

How do you tell the difference between Al Gore and the secret service when they're in the same room?

Al Gore's the stiff one.

What's the difference between a terrorist cell and a children's hospital?

Don't ask me man, I just fly the drones.

What's the difference between a tribal tattoo and /r/jokes?

A tribal tattoo makes you laugh.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

If you have bird flu you need tweetment. If you have swine flu you need oinkment.

Whats the difference between a goat and a kid?

I stopped butchering goats.

Whats the difference between skinny and squat?

I never took a skinny on a girl's chest.

What's the difference between a Confederate flag and a black person?

There is none Southerners both hang them from trees.

What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government?

Only one of them is organized.

What's the difference between a reindeer and a caribou?

Caribou can't fly.

What's the difference between a Nun and a lady taking a bath?

The Nun has hope in her soul and the lady taking a bath has soap in her hole.

Whats the difference between America and Yogurt?

If you leave Yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture.

What's the difference between a musician and a dead body?

One composes, the other decomposes...

What's the difference between a Russian Potato and a U.S. Potato?

The U.S. potato can still compete in the Special Olympics.

What's the difference between amnesia and alzheimers?

I can't remember.

What's the difference between a piano and a fish?

You can't tuna fish!

What's the difference between a woman and a PC from 1995?

A woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies.

What's the difference between a Pilot and a jet engine?

A jet engine stops whining after it lands

Whats the difference between a priest and acne?

One waits till you're 14 before coming on your face.

What's the difference between an extroverted mathematician and an introverted mathematician?

The extroverted mathematician looks at YOUR shoes when he's speaking to you.

Whats the Difference between a Third-Wave Feminist and a Pencil?

The pencil has a point

What's the difference between a refugee and E.T?

E.T learned English and wanted to go home.

What's the difference between Valve and uranium?

Uranium gets to its half-life on time.

Whats the difference between a Christian and a Muslim?

One blows up kids, the other gets blown by them.

What's the difference between Batman and a Black man?

Batman can go out at night without Robin

What is the difference between Donald and a peace of sh..?

NOTHING....!!!

What's the difference between Bernie Sanders and a coconut?

Coconuts have hair

What's the difference between Donald and a piece of fruit?

Oranges have thick skin. Let the downvotes fly, people! You've only got one! Edit: Did not expect this joke to get this good of a reception. Thanks, guys!