Doctor Jokes

What did the doctor say to the patient who wanted to do his own surgery?

Suture self!"

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What does a Doctor do when he needs 50 bags full of fruits?

He goes to Orlando and checks the Pulse.

What did the doctor say to the injured gingerbread man?

Why don't you try icing it

What did Shakespeare ask his doctor when he was afraid he had tuberculosis?

TB or not TB, that is the question.

Why, doc?

And the doctor replies, "Because I'm examining you!"

Who knock knock joke Knock knock Who is it?

Doctor.** Doctor who **YES**

What type of doctor did Batman visit after Bane broke his back?

A Chiroptopracter.

Why was the Doctor screaming angrily at his secretary?

He ran out of patients.

What did the doctor say to the airplane that has canser?

It's terminal.

Why did the library book go to the doctor?

It needed to be checked out it had a bloated appendix.

Why did the banana go to the doctor?

He wasn't peeling very well. Credit to my four year old niece.

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What do you call someone who barely graduated from med school?

Doctor.

How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.

Why would The Doctor and Storm get along?

Because he is the heart of the storm.

Why wasn't the patient concerned when she was told she had a brain tumor?

The doctor said it was all in her head

Why don't they use Macs/iPads in hospitals?

Because using an Apple a day keeps the doctors away.

Why do doctors slap babies bums when then are born?

Because the balls fall off of the stupid ones.

What did Olivia Newton-John say to her doctor?

Lets get physical!

What do you call a Native American who graduated from medical school?

A doctor you racist

Why did you arrest that doctor?

Officer: He was trying to take someone's pulse.

What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?

With any luck you'll be able to get up for a spell.

Why does John Cena always take awhile to feel better when he's sick?

Because the Doctor can never see him.

What did the doctor say to the prosecutor?

You're trying my patients!

Why is the Doctor an excellent chef?

He's a Thyme Lord

What did the doctor say to the man wearing cling-film?

I can clearly see you're nuts

How much longer do I have doc?

Doctor: "Ten." Patient: "Ten what " Doctor: "Nine..."

Why did a physician go to prison?

His medical license was doctored.

Why was the doctor stressed?

He was losing his patients

What's the worst part about going to the doctor's and finding out you have diabetes?

You don't get a lollipop afterwards :/

Why did the house go to the doctor?

He was having window pains I'm sorry

How much has this man had to drink?

Nurse: "I can't tell." Dr: "It's ok; you can tell me. I'm a doctor"

What's the hardest part about working as a nurse or doctor at a women's hospital?

When you ask the patients "what's the problem " They'll say "nothing"

Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head?

The tomato was in a can.

How's she now?

Him: Are you sure you're a doctor Me: Doct... No, I'm from IT.

What kind of doctors are like spiders ?

Spin doctors !

What kind of doctor does a duck visit?

A Ducktor.

How high is it Doctor?

she wanted to know. 'One hundred and three' said the doctor. 'What is the world record '

Why did the doctor quit his job?

He ran out of patients.

What! why?

The doctor says "So I can examine you"

What's the prognosis, Doc?

DOCTOR: You've got cancer. ME: WHAT ! DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I'm not a doctor.

Why did the whale have to go see his doctor?

His diet was krill-in him.

What on Earth happened?

The doctor said, surprised. "I don't know, it started with a boil on my arse." the frog said.

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because he felt crumby. - my 4 y.o. daughter

What did the doctor say to the speeding commuter?

Thank you for your patients.

What are we waiting for?

the doctor asks. "Patients, Doctor," replied the nurse. "Patients."

Why did the vampire go to the doctors?

Because he was coffin...

What does it mean when a doctor has both hands on your shoulders?

The Prostate exam isn't going he way you expected

What do they call the doctor who released private health information after he got mad at his being given away?

A Hipaacrite

What did the doctor say to the cancer patient?

You have tumor months to live.

When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money. Can you believe how superficial I was?

Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

Why did my husband die?

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am" Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!" Doctor: "I know, but I did"

Why did the lady tell her doctor she had breast cancer?

Because she wanted to get it off her chest.

What do you call a doctor who is always on a phone?

An oncologist

Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?

Because he didn't feel well.

Why was the doctor forced to leave work early?

The hospital ran all out of patience

What do you call a Tungsten Holmium compound with a Doctorate?

Doctor WHo

What did the doctor say to the Mesothelioma patient?

There's not much I can do, but I'll do asbestos I can!

Why did the doctor go on a ski trip alone?

He was part of doctors without boarders .

How bad are they?

Doctor: It depends, how old are you Patient: I will be 24 soon. Doctor: Pffff, no you won't.

Why doctor?

Doctor: "Because I'm trying to talk to you, and it's very distracting."

What did the pony say to the doctor when he had a sore throat?

I'm a little hoarse.

Why did Jesus Christ go to the doctor?

His resurrection lasted more than four hours.

What did the doctor tell a welder when the welder asked if his girlfriend(a pilot) using alternative lube was giving him erectile dysfunction?

Jet fuel can't melt steel beams

How does an apple a day keep the doctor away?

When you take careful aim.

Why do computer teachers never get sick?

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

What happened to you ?

PATIENT:I am going to die in a minute. DOCTOR:wait I am coming with in five minutes.

What do you call a doctor who is trained in neurosurgery and is covering for a gynecologist?

A pervert.

What is the worst thing you want to hear from a doctor giving you a prostate exam?

Look ma, no hands!"

What did the doctor say to the infertile Princess Bride?

Inconceivable!

Why couldn't The Doctor play baseball?

They couldn't figure out Who was on first (Sorry, if this has been submitted before, im new here)

Why is a doctor always calm?

He got a lot of patients

Why are doctors sued for malpractice at the beach?

A: Because they are judged by a jury of their piers.

Why are doctors always calm?

They have a lot of patients. Sorry.

What did the gentleman say to the doctor when he went to get his pus drained?

Please! I in cyst!

What does the Doctor say on a one-night stand going wrong?

It's bigger on the inside(http://www.youtube.com/watch v=6zXDo4dL7SU)

What is the cost of plastic surgery?

Doctor: It is near about 10,000$. Patient: Well, what if we arrange the plastic

What do you call a person who got straight "D's" in medical school?

A Doctor.

What does the Doctor use to keep things running smoothly in the T.A.R.D.I.S?

WD-4D

What did the doctor say to the man who couldn't pee?

Urine trouble!

What doctors shop at Barnes and Noble?

Doctors without Borders. Credit to Max Scoville.

How much time do I have left, doctor?

Doctor: 10 Guy: 10 what ! 10 days, 10 months, 10 years Doctor: 9...8...7...6...5...

Which doctor?

I replied "No, a medical one."

What did the doctor say to the Fonz when he got sick?

You need to take your vitamin Ayy.

How did the explorer react when the which doctor turned him into a miniature ballsack?

He was a little testie! Bump dump pshhh!

This joke may have profanity.

When do doctors get angry?

When they run out of patients.

Why did the house go to the doctor?

It was having window panes.

What did the router say to the doctor?

It hurts when IP.

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Why do elephants have trunks ?

Because they've no pockets to put things in !

What is one thing Harry Houdini can't escape from?

Stomach punches

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What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?

The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."

What's he like?

asked the police officer sympathetically. The boy replied, "Beer and women."

Die Jokes More Die Jokes

Why did Bowie die?

I guess he was shot through the heart

What did the Japanese chef say when his mother died?

Well, that's the edamame.

Widow Jokes More Widow Jokes

What type of wife always knows where her husband is?

A widow

What's a woman who always knows where her husband is?

A widow.

Need Jokes More Need Jokes

Why don't the French need air conditioner?

They use 2-in-1 shampoo

How many children does it take to change a lightbulb?

I don't need a lightbulb when I have the furnace ready.

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What kind of footwear do Whitewalkers use?

The Hodor-eliminating kind.

What's the difference between a bag of sugar and a dead baby?

I don't use sugar in my signature cookies.

Turn Jokes More Turn Jokes

What do you call an international diamond monopoly turned Chicago football team?

Da Beers

What's the best kind of vegetable to bring to a party?

A turn up

Leave Jokes More Leave Jokes

What do the NFL and Jail have in common?

You go in as a Tight End and leave as a Wide Receiver.

Why couldnt you trust Castros wife?

Because at one point, she was infidel. Ok ill leave now