Rock Jokes

Why is Kevin Hart the opposite of Michael Schumacher?

His life improved after he met the rock.

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What was Osama Bin Laden's favorite drink?

A double Manhattan on the rocks.

What are a terrestrial planet's favorite genres of music?

Rock and Heavy Metal

What's a baby seals favourite drink?

Canadian club on the rocks.

How do you discipline your pet rock?

You hit rock bottom!

What happens when a rock gets high?

He gets stoned.. Badum tsss

What does a rock put on when it stinks?

Geodorant.

What's a priest's favorite type of rock?

Pummus.

What's a cats favourite alcoholic drink?

Whiskers on the rocks

What type of rock is this Holmes?

It's sedimentary my dear Watson!

What caused Captain Morgan's shipwreck?

He was on the rocks.

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What did the rock say to the other rock?

Im hard

What has 5 arms and rocks?

Def Leppard

What's the best music to listen to while stoned?

Rock.

How do you put a baby to sleep?

You rock them. What if it doesn't work? Use a bigger rock.

How did the cavemen in the far east protect them selves?

They Rocked their doors.

Why did the bear start playing music when the priest tried to absolve him of his sins?

Because the priest said "Bear, atone" and the bear thought he said "baritone" as in "play the baritone sax now". The bear immediately started wailing away on the sax, rocking back and forth so hard he knocked over all the prayer candles and almost snapped his own spine. All the priest could do was ask the lord for the strength needed to get this bear into heaven.

Why would you throw a rock at a Mexican man riding a bike?

Because it's probably your bike. Why would you throw a rock at a black man riding a bike? Because it's probably your black man.

What's the difference between rock and jazz?

Rock is playing three chords for a thousand people. Jazz is playing a thousand chords for three people.

Why doesn't Dwayne Johnson's downstairs neighbor understand references to current events?

He's been living under The Rock.

What did the brick say to the rock?

Nothing, it's just a brick, what's wrong with you.

What did the stone say to the hill?

Let's Rock and Roll.

What's dumber than a box of rocks?

The hippie carrying it. What's dumber than that? The yuppie buying it. What's dumber than that? The box of rocks

What did the geologist say when he got a rock for his birthday?

I appreciate the sediment.

Where the most likely place to find a crack whore?

Between a rock and a hard place.

This joke may have profanity.

What does a walrus and Tupperware have in common?

What does a walrus and Tupperware have in common? .. They both like a tight seal *What looks like a lemon and shaped like a rock? .. A lemon shaped rock *What is brown and sticky? ..A brown stick

Which similarities do Bon Jovi and geologists share?

They like rock.

What do women and rocks have in common?

You can skip the flat ones.

Why are girls like rocks?

You skip the flat ones.

What does The Rock said to his Girl Friend?

Im Stoned :p

How do rocks feel about moss?

It's growing on them.

How does a crackhead order their whiskey?

On the rocks

How did he die?

The rock is kyptonite and the man is superman.

Why didn't the rock make it to work today?

He was stoned

What's the crackhead's favorite song?

I wanna rock!

How do Malaysian airlines serve all their drinks?

On the rocks

What did the Queen fans say at the stoning?

We will We will Rock you!

What did the boulder say to the other boulder?

I rock. You Rock. We Rock. Disclaimer: This joke was made during a 6 hour road trip with the family. My only scenery was rocks.

What's the difference between Biggie Smalls and Charlie Chaplin?

One rocks the mic, while the other mocks the reich.

What's better than breaking the seal on a bottle?

breaking the seal on a rock.

How is digging fence post holes like being the mayor of Toronto?

It goes pretty smoothly until you start hitting the rock.

What did the rock say when he went metamorphic?

Holy schist."

Why is crack a "Rock"?

Because it's as hard to get off as Alcatraz.

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?

Because it was marble cake!

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea Me: *rocks boat* Her: Hey! Me: *rocks faster* Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

What is The Rock going to name his Daughter?

Pebbles!

What type of rock is this?

It has many layers compressed together.

What does a rock do all day?

Nothing. (this joke was made by daughter when she was 5)

Why doesn't The Rock just tell us what he's cooking?

I can't pair wines like this.

Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?

The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

When is Iran not Iran?

When it's a rock.

Why shouldn't you throw a rock at a Mexican riding a bike?

Because that might be your bike

What did one rock say to the other?

Ha, you really think rocks can talk

How are women and rocks alike?

A: You skip across the flat ones.

What did the pebble say to the rock?

I wish I was a little boulder!

How does a barnacle like its martinis?

On the rocks.

Why can't rock climbing instructors get dates?

Because they rappel men and women.

What is a crack head's favourite song?

Q: What is a crack head's favourite song A: I wanna rock!!! Well I found it funny anyway..

What is a mountain climber's favorite drink?

Anything on the rocks.

How many rocks did Hank Schrader have in his collection by the end of Breaking Bad?

None, they were all minerals.

What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Whitney Houston?

Oc The rock Neil was on made him famous, the rock she was on made her dead.

Why are you picking up rocks?

M: I'm starting a rock band. Neighbor walks away. That is how you get people to leave you alone.

Why should you not throw stones at a knight?

Because heavy metal is harder than rock.

Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?

Because she wanted to rock and roll.

How are women like rocks?

You skip the flat ones.

Why did the old lady put wheels on her rocking chair?

A: She wanted to rock and roll

Why is Patrick so dumb?

He's living under a rock.

What do you call a singer gently swaying from one side to another?

A rocking Cher.

What does Michael Bolton say when he walks into an elevator?

This place rocks!"

What did the naturalist say when he saw a number of rocks covered in moss?

I'm lichen what I see"

Why does The Rock love Sonic the Hedgehog?

IT DOESN'T MATTER"!***

What's the first thing an Owl asks when you trow a rock at it?

HOOO did that!

What was the geologists' favorite Musical genere?

rock

What would the punishment be for smoking a joint in the times of Jesus Christ?

You would get stoned. And then get rocks thrown at you.

What type of music do lightning bolts listen to?

Rock and Roll

What's Sisyphus' least favourite type of music?

Rock and Roll.

Why does the Earth love geologists?

They really get it's rocks off

Why do police officers sleep with two rocks near their bed?

With one he turns off the light, With the other he checks if the window is closed

What's the funniest thing the rock said to the geologist ?

Nothing. Because rocks don't talk and geology's not funny.

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What do you cal a campsite trampled by thousands of tiny insects?

A gnatural disaster.

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for thousands of years?

Church.

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What happened when Jesus forgot to look both ways?

He died on the cross!

Why did Tigger look down the toilet?

To find Pooh!

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What did the bartender say to the horse?

bartender: Why the long face Horse: My alcoholism is destroying my family.

Why are Alabama weddings so small?

They've only gotta invite one family

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What do pimples and catholic priests have in common?

They both start coming on boys' faces around age 13.

What's the difference between a bIack guy and a bike?

A bike doesn't start singing when you put chains on it.

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What do you call an angry shopper using bad words?

A cussomer.

What's the worst thing that could happen if you don't use a condom?

Your parents would know!

Red Sea Jokes More Red Sea Jokes

Why did the Red sea not find a good husband?

because she was too shallow.

What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?

It gets wet.

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How long does it take a monkey to fly a plane from LA to New York?

About 6 hours.

What did the boulder say to the other boulder?

I rock. You Rock. We Rock. Disclaimer: This joke was made during a 6 hour road trip with the family. My only scenery was rocks.

Sleep Jokes More Sleep Jokes

Why does Shakira have such a hard time sleeping at night?

Because her hips won't lie.

Why do women always sleep on the left side of the bed?

BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO RIGHTS!!!!!