Computer Jokes

Which is the smallest profession? A mini cab driver or a micro biologist?

Neither. I have a friend who works in computers.

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How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer?

How do you know if a blonde has been using your computer? When there's white-out all over the screen

What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?

They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a lifeguard?

A screensaver.

How do computers measure pain?

Gigahurts. (Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)

What do you get when you have Windows and Mac OS X dual booting from the same computer?

A co-operating system.

What do you call a computer that sings?

A Dell

What do women and computers have in common?

What do women and computers have in common? You don't appreciate them until they go down on you.

What do computers and reincarnation have in common?

Switching Users

How does a woman differ from a computer?

You can actually punch information into a computer.

What's the difference between your mom and my computer?

I can still turn your mom on.

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What rhymes with computer?

No it doesn't...

What do computers snack on?

micro chips

How much money does the Government pay people with autistic disorder?

Enough to buy a computer that can play League of Legends.

Why did the EU start downloading random stuff to it's computer?

It had freed up one GB of space.

How can you tell if a black man has been using your computer?

It won't be there

What does Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashes?

Nothing.

Why did the blonde call an exterminator?

Her computer had a bug...

What has four legs, two humps, and is given a copy of Metal Gear Solid for their computer?

Revolver Camelot!

How are women and computers the same?

Neither take your 3.5 inch floppy anymore.. unless you pay extra.

What's the difference between a Mexican and a computer?

You only have to punch the information into a computer once.

What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A computer will accept a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

Which computer sings the best?

A Dell

What do you call a computer with an amazing singing voice?

A Dell.

What kind of computer can also sing?

A Dell.

What's the difference between a politician and a computer?

logic

What kind of operating system do horses use?

None. Horses are not known to use operating systems nor computers for that matter.

Why was the computer tired when he got home?

Because he had a hard drive!

Why does my computer say Hello?

Because it's a Dell.

Why did the worker get fired from the hp computer factory?

He threw out all the computers with "dy" on them.

What type of computer sings well?

Adell.

What kind of computer can't sing?

A Dell

Why was the spider inside the Computer?

He was looking for a webpage!

Why do people hit things (ex. TV, computer, etc.) when they don't work?

Well, it worked with the slaves.

What did the Amish IT guy say about the computer?

It was a bit buggy.

What did the computer say to the pirate?

Want to date hot Russians!

What operating system does Varys have on his computer?

Unix

Why did little Jimmy break open his computer?

It said that it had 20 cookies in it.

What does a computer say when it encounters a skunk?

C: PU!

What's the difference between a feminist and a computer?

You can punch information into a computer.

What part of the computer the astronaut likes the most?

A space bar.

What did one computer say to the other?

Error 404 joke not found.

How do you turn a computer into a zombie?

Send it a byte. Kind of lame but I couldn't help myself.

What do you call a computer that only plays sad songs?

Adele

What did the computer say to the virus?

scRAM

What do blondes and computer have in common?

You never appreciate them until they go down on you. edit: computers

How do you make soup from a computer?

It's easy just throw in a couple of Boolean cubes.

What did we call IT before computers ?

The Mail Room

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer crashed?

Nothing.

How can you tell that a black person used your computer?

It's gone.

How is a computer like an air conditioner?

They both stop working properly when you open windows.

How do you send a sandwich to someone on a computer?

in bytes

Why are computers in Palestine really fast?

Because they've got Ramallah.

Why did it take the computer so long to decide whether it wanted to buy an Egyptian cotton sheet?

Because it had too many threads.

What does a blonde do when her computer freezes?

She puts in in the microwave.

Which computer is the best at singing?

A Dell.

Whats the difference between a woman and a computer?

A woman doesn't accept 3 1/2 inch floppies

What's the difference between a computer and a woman?

A computer only has to have information punched into it once.

How do you know a black guy's been at your computer?

It's not there.

What do you call a computer that farts?

A compooter. 8D

What happened when the computer fell on the floor?

It slipped a disk.

What do you call a laptop that ejaculates metal?

Computer

What's the difference between America and Saudi Arabia?

You don't need a computer to play minesweeper in Saudi Arabia. (I'm not sorry)

What is "attempted theft" exactly?

I mean it's not like you see school librarians seeing a student use Wikipedia on one of the computers and puts them in detention for "attempted plagiarism"

Why were all the computers in the company frozen?

Because they let IT go

When is a computer like a blonde?

When it goes down on you as soon as you turn it on.

What type of computer is unusually large?

A Dell

What do you get if you cross a computer with a hamburger?

A big mac.

Why did my friend throw my computer out the window?

So A Dell could message me and say Hello from the other side.

What do you get if you take your computer to an ice rink?

A slipped disk.

Why is Rob Zombie good for the health of Redditors?

They see his AMA and turn off the computer.

What do you get if you type www.abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz.com into your computer?

A sore finger.

Why don't the British make computers?

They can't figure out how to make them leak oil.

What connects the computers in Sauron's office?

A Tolkien Ring network.

Why did the computer squeak?

A: Someone stepped on the mouse.

Why couldn't the computer play golf?

Because it had the wrong Driver

Why did the computer need Viagra?

Because it had a 3.5 inch floppy disk.

This joke may have profanity.

Why did you ticket the computer?

Officer: It was speeding along the information highway.

What happens if you cross a midget and a computer?

A: You get a short circut.

Why was the first computer never invited to dinner?

It would just take a few bytes then run.

When do computers go to sleep?

When it's internight.

What OS does an atheist run on their computer?

Fedora. For Linux n00bs(https://getfedora.org/)

How do computers learn to read?

C:/ Dos C:/ Dos Run Run Dos Run

How are you going to pay the Chihuahua who helped you to set up your computer?

With dog diskettes!

What am I supposed to do with this computer now?

IT: Work M: Who hurt you

Why don't computers have any brothers?

They are all trans-sisters.

What brand of computer is best at singing?

A Dell

Why does my computer keep saying hello?

It's a Dell.

What do you call gigabytes in Africa?

They can't afford computers in Africa.

How much Viagra do you have to give a computer to turn its software into hardware?

Just enough to completely fill up the floppy diks drive.

This joke may have profanity.

How do you feel about perfumes being designed by computers?

Because I think it makes perfect scents.

Whats the difference between and old computer and a woman?

a computer accepts a 3.5 inch floppy

What do Hutts use to program computers?

JabbaScript

What kind of computers do chihuahuas like best?

Lap-top!

What do you call it when your computer gets infected with a keylogger, a rootkit and half a dozen backdoors?

A free upgrade

What do computers and air conditioners have in common?

Neither work when you open windows.

Why are frogs no good at websurfing?

Computers have them toad-ily confused.

What do you get if you cross a computer with a ballet dancer?

The Netcracker suite.

Why do the cops monitor the store that sells upper-case letters for computers?

It's a shifty business.

How do you tell if a black mans been on your computer?

It's not there.

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Punch Jokes More Punch Jokes

What do you call the injury a black guy gets after he gets punched in the eye?

uh...a blacker eye?

When I asked her why, she said "uhhh no real reason". I'm thinking, "no reason, huh?

So I punched her in the face. Now she has a reason.

Appreciate Jokes More Appreciate Jokes

Why was 10 scared?

because he was in the middle of 9-11! Better phrasing recommendations appreciated :-)

What do blondes and computer have in common?

You never appreciate them until they go down on you. edit: computers

Time Jokes More Time Jokes

How Many Wal-Mart Workers Does it Take to Screw In a Lightbulb?

One to screw in the lightbulb, stock four carts of supplies, and handle seventeen simultaneous customers at any one time for five consecutive hours.

What would the punishment be for smoking a joint in the times of Jesus Christ?

You would get stoned. And then get rocks thrown at you.

Business Jokes More Business Jokes

What happened to the man who owned a riding academy?

Business kept falling off!

What business is King Kong in?

Monkey business.

Brunette Jokes More Brunette Jokes

How does a blond cross the road?

A brunette is on a busy street across from a department store she needs to visit, and is looking for an intersection to cross over when she spots a blonde walking out of the store. The brunette waves and calls out over the traffic noise, "hey there! How do I get to the other side?" The blonde looks confused and calls back, "you ARE on the other side!"

How do you know when... ... a blonde has been using the computer?

There's white-out on the screen. How do you know when a brunette used the computer after a blonde There's writing on the white-out.

Throw Jokes More Throw Jokes

Why cant bulimics be pitchers in baseball?

Because they always throw up

How do you scare a man?

Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

Edit Jokes More Edit Jokes

How does Walter Palmer like his eggs?

Poached. Thank you, I'm here all week. EDIT: this got no upvotes and I don't think it deserved any

What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month. Edit: account got hacked and showed something different. Sorry about that

Feminist Jokes More Feminist Jokes

What did the feminist say when she saw a guy laughing at her picture on the Internet?

Topical meme."

What happens when a feminist shoots a gun?

The gun gets triggered.