Die Jokes

Why do graveyards have fences?

Cause everyone's dying to get in!

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

How did the stoner die?

Blunt force trauma.

When do clocks die?

When their time is up.

What happens in a battle between storm troopers and red shirts?

Star Trek) The storm troopers all miss, and the red shirts all die

How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.

Where do burgers go when they die?

Burgatory

Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not 3: It's full of dead people.

What happened when the Italian chef died?

He pasta away

Why did my husband die?

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am" Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!" Doctor: "I know, but I did"

How do frogs die ?

They kermit suidide !

Which one is the boy you've been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

Where did Robin Williams go after he died?

To the Mork.

How much terroristen died zat dey?

Twelve The other replied : "Nein, Eleven."

Why are so many Koreans named Park?

Because the ones named Drive all died in crashes.

Why are ghosts always just moaning?

Did your manners die too Use your words!

What did Bowie say before he died?

Robin, is that you

What does a shooting star say to his buddy before he dies?

Meet me - oh, right.."

How'd you die?

I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You " "I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen" "Oh.."

Why does the graveyard have fences?

Because people were dying to get in!

What happened when a deadly rattle snake bit a witch ?

He died in agony !

What am I herring?

This scampi true! Whale I squid you not Oh cod I can't die Waterboat me You're so shellfish Fin

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

Why do we need to die?

chickens

What do you do if somebody dies Christmas Eve?

Wait 12 hours and have Christmas Mourning

How does the chef prepare the chicken?

The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"

Why do police officers keep water in the automobile trunk?

Because they don't want the siren to die.

How many Super Sayajins does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it lasts five episodes. And Kuririn dies.

What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?

I'M BREADY TO DIE"

What do John Belushi, Jim Morrison, John Candy, Jimi, Hendrix, and Janice Joplin have in common?

They all died Jung.

What did Beethoven do when he died?

Decompose.

What were the last words Jimi Hendrix said before he died?

S'cuse me, while I kiss the sky...*

When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?

Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

What do you do with an infected chemist?

You try to Curium. If that doesn't work and he dies, then Barium

What happens when Frogs die playing Call of Duty?

They respawn.

What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea?

He died in his teepee

Why did the Islamic woman die when she fell into the ocean?

She thought to yell for help, but her husband was nowhere around to grant her permission to do so.

What happened to you ?

PATIENT:I am going to die in a minute. DOCTOR:wait I am coming with in five minutes.

Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

Why didn't John die?

John is a bird.

What doesn't float to the top when it dies?

A day old reddit post.

Which fish go to heaven when they die ?

Angelfish !

Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time?

Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.

Why do women make better soldiers?

Because they can bleed for a week and not die.

Why do more men die in car crashes than woman?

Because women are at the wheel.

How is this possible?

Shannon died in a car accident.

What type of bees don't die?

Zom-bees

How now! a rat?

stabs curtain* LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w'rst game of hideth and seeketh ev'r *dies*

What's it called when a hippy hangs himself?

Tie-die

Why does Snape teach options and not herbology?

His lily died

How do we know that Jesus was made of bread?

Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen.

What do horror movies and printer ink have in common?

The black one always dies first.

Why did the white girl die of alkalosis?

Because she was too basic

What did the rabbi say after he was diagnosed with an aggressive and inoperable form of brain cancer, and his wife and child died in a car crash while driving to the hospital?

Oy vey!"

Why did all the black people die in the war?

Because when they captain said, "GET DOWN!" They all started dancing..

Who's singing this?

Me: "Franz Ferdinand." 7yo: "But, he died in 1914." Me:

Why did Tomoe Mami die?

She got ahead of herself.

Where we going?

Will there be food Why do I have to die Why didn't you like my last pic ..

How did Mace die in Star Wars?

Through the Windu

Why do men, on average, die before women?

Because they want to.

Why do people keep building so many new mausoleums?

Because people are dying to get in.

What would you do if I died?

Husband: I would go crazy Wife: Would you re-marry Husband: Ah, not that crazy..

When did she die?

My guess would be sometime this morning.

What did the Chinese man say when he found out his mother died?

I can't bereave it!

What do we do when chemists die?

We barium.

Why does jesus not play video games?

Everytime he dies he has to wait 3 days to respawn

Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?

Old habits die hard

Why do artists die early in life?

Too many strokes.

What did the atheist say when he found himself at the Pearly Gates the day he died?

Well I'll be damned!

Why did the pirate captain suddenly die?

He had an an*yarr*ysm.

Who wants to go to Florida with me?

I heard the clubs are to die for.

What happens when a guy with no legs dies?

He punches the bucket

Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle?

No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor.

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?

Yep, people are just dying to get in there

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How many stockholders does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.

Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery?

Q: Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery? A: Because her career as a comic was stuck, but no matter how he tried, the Dr. couldn't pull a laugh out of her.

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How does a blonde man get really rich,stupid and a candidate for president ?

small loan of 100 million dollars

Who lives in the green house?

Me: I don't know Her: The green guy! Who lives in the red house? Me: The red guy Her: Yes! Who lives in the blue house? Me: The blue guy Her: Yeah! Who lives in the yellow house? Me: The yellow guy Her: Who lives in the white house? Now since I've heard this "riddle" before, I knew the trick answer. I was ready to answer The President! when my uncle blurted out: The black guy!!

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How does a white lady fix a flat tire?

She buys a new car.

Why shouldn't you buy trousers from northern Ukraine?

Chernobyl fallout

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What did the officials say whenever systematic punishment was banned?

There's no punchline.

How about a dirty one as well?

Want to hear a clean joke? Bob took a bath. With Bubbles. Want to hear a dirty joke? (Punchline hidden so you don't accidentally read)

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Where's the best place to hide during a zombie apocalypse?

Radio Shack. Not even the brain dead would go there.

What happens when the President dies?

The Vice President takes over. What happens when the Vice President dies? The Speaker of the House takes over. What happens when the Speaker of the House dies? You go to Radio Shack and buy a new speaker.

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What do you call a dog who digs for bones?

A Bark-aeologist

What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?

A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog

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Why did jesus take 3 days to resurrect?

He got hammered with his buddies.

What does a shooting star say to his buddy before he dies?

Meet me - oh, right.."

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What did the boy with no hands get for his birthday?

I don't know he hasn't opened it yet.

What did the cow is standing all alone in a field say?

Where are the udders? (Thanks to my three boys for that one!)