Die Jokes

Why do graveyards have fences?

Cause everyone's dying to get in!

Couple's Daily Question Mug

Couple's Daily Question Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

How did the stoner die?

Blunt force trauma.

When do clocks die?

When their time is up.

What happens in a battle between storm troopers and red shirts?

Star Trek) The storm troopers all miss, and the red shirts all die

How many cynics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Doesn't matter. Lightbulb is going to die anyway.

Where do burgers go when they die?

Burgatory

Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven. 3: I don't want to go there. Me: Why not 3: It's full of dead people.

What happened when the Italian chef died?

He pasta away

Why did my husband die?

Doctor responds: "Heavy drug use, ma'am" Widow: "But doctor, my husband didn't use drugs!" Doctor: "I know, but I did"

How do frogs die ?

They kermit suidide !

Which one is the boy you've been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug

Interactive Joke of the Day Mug
5.0

Coffee Mug

Where did Robin Williams go after he died?

To the Mork.

How much terroristen died zat dey?

Twelve The other replied : "Nein, Eleven."

Why are so many Koreans named Park?

Because the ones named Drive all died in crashes.

Why are ghosts always just moaning?

Did your manners die too Use your words!

What did Bowie say before he died?

Robin, is that you

What does a shooting star say to his buddy before he dies?

Meet me - oh, right.."

How'd you die?

I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You " "I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen" "Oh.."

Why does the graveyard have fences?

Because people were dying to get in!

What happened when a deadly rattle snake bit a witch ?

He died in agony !

What am I herring?

This scampi true! Whale I squid you not Oh cod I can't die Waterboat me You're so shellfish Fin

Where is 5?

Student : Yesterday I heard in the news that 5 died in a car accident. DIE

Why do we need to die?

chickens

What do you do if somebody dies Christmas Eve?

Wait 12 hours and have Christmas Mourning

How does the chef prepare the chicken?

The waiter replies, "He looks it straight in the eye and says, 'You're gonna die.'"

Why do police officers keep water in the automobile trunk?

Because they don't want the siren to die.

How many Super Sayajins does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it lasts five episodes. And Kuririn dies.

What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?

I'M BREADY TO DIE"

What do John Belushi, Jim Morrison, John Candy, Jimi, Hendrix, and Janice Joplin have in common?

They all died Jung.

What did Beethoven do when he died?

Decompose.

What were the last words Jimi Hendrix said before he died?

S'cuse me, while I kiss the sky...*

When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?

Yes, son. Love is terrible. "No Mom, I said LAVA." Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

What do you do with an infected chemist?

You try to Curium. If that doesn't work and he dies, then Barium

What happens when Frogs die playing Call of Duty?

They respawn.

What happened to the Native American who drank too much tea?

He died in his teepee

Why did the Islamic woman die when she fell into the ocean?

She thought to yell for help, but her husband was nowhere around to grant her permission to do so.

What happened to you ?

PATIENT:I am going to die in a minute. DOCTOR:wait I am coming with in five minutes.

Why won't the US change over to the Metric system?

Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

Why didn't John die?

John is a bird.

What doesn't float to the top when it dies?

A day old reddit post.

Which fish go to heaven when they die ?

Angelfish !

Why did Satan keep growing his herb garden even when his oregano died each time?

Because he always had a Hell of a good thyme.

Why do women make better soldiers?

Because they can bleed for a week and not die.

Why do more men die in car crashes than woman?

Because women are at the wheel.

How is this possible?

Shannon died in a car accident.

What type of bees don't die?

Zom-bees

How now! a rat?

stabs curtain* LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w'rst game of hideth and seeketh ev'r *dies*

What's it called when a hippy hangs himself?

Tie-die

Why does Snape teach options and not herbology?

His lily died

How do we know that Jesus was made of bread?

Because yeasterday he died and tomorrow he will have risen.

What do horror movies and printer ink have in common?

The black one always dies first.

Why did the white girl die of alkalosis?

Because she was too basic

What did the rabbi say after he was diagnosed with an aggressive and inoperable form of brain cancer, and his wife and child died in a car crash while driving to the hospital?

Oy vey!"

Why did all the black people die in the war?

Because when they captain said, "GET DOWN!" They all started dancing..

Who's singing this?

Me: "Franz Ferdinand." 7yo: "But, he died in 1914." Me:

Why did Tomoe Mami die?

She got ahead of herself.

Where we going?

Will there be food Why do I have to die Why didn't you like my last pic ..

How did Mace die in Star Wars?

Through the Windu

Why do men, on average, die before women?

Because they want to.

Why do people keep building so many new mausoleums?

Because people are dying to get in.

What would you do if I died?

Husband: I would go crazy Wife: Would you re-marry Husband: Ah, not that crazy..

When did she die?

My guess would be sometime this morning.

What did the Chinese man say when he found out his mother died?

I can't bereave it!

What do we do when chemists die?

We barium.

Why does jesus not play video games?

Everytime he dies he has to wait 3 days to respawn

Why did the two most senior nuns in the convent break up a German terror plot to steal millions in bearer bonds?

Old habits die hard

Why do artists die early in life?

Too many strokes.

What did the atheist say when he found himself at the Pearly Gates the day he died?

Well I'll be damned!

Why did the pirate captain suddenly die?

He had an an*yarr*ysm.

Who wants to go to Florida with me?

I heard the clubs are to die for.

What happens when a guy with no legs dies?

He punches the bucket

Why do Chinese warriors die so easily in battle?

No matter how much protective garments they wear, there's still a chink in the armor.

When a dad drives past a graveyard: Did you know that's a popular cemetery?

Yep, people are just dying to get in there

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Pull Jokes More Pull Jokes

What do women and the stock market have in common?

If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money. My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.

Why do the lawyers for the reindeer say they have to pull Santa's sled?

Because they have a claus in their contract.

Radio Shack Jokes More Radio Shack Jokes

What happens when the President dies?

The Vice President takes over. What happens when the Vice President dies? The Speaker of the House takes over. What happens when the Speaker of the House dies? You go to Radio Shack and buy a new speaker.

Where's the best place to hide during a zombie apocalypse?

Radio Shack. Not even the brain dead would go there.

Goal Jokes More Goal Jokes

How did Paul, the octopus, originally die?

Torres went and asked Paul proudly, "How many goals will I end up with after thia this World Cup " Paul died laughing.

What did the Mexico team travel back home with?

Luggage full of goals.

Laugh Jokes More Laugh Jokes

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

A: A Yamahahaha

What are your symptoms?

I can't laugh and I can't sing. I'm finding it hard to do anything!"

Comic Jokes More Comic Jokes

Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery?

Q: Why did Joan Rivers die during throat surgery? A: Because her career as a comic was stuck, but no matter how he tried, the Dr. couldn't pull a laugh out of her.

What's the difference between a political speech and a stand-up comic show?

They both tell the audience what they are glad to hear. But at the end, the audience laughs at the comic, and the politician laughs at the audience.

Erection Jokes More Erection Jokes

What do you get when you stab a toddler with a pair of scissors?

An erection.

Why does the Asian News Anchor not stand up from behind his desk during presidential races?

because he's covering an erection!

President Jokes More President Jokes

Which president likes doing laundry?

George WASHING-A-TON. He's the 8 year old white Kevin Hart.

What President of the United States smells the worst?

The-Odor-e Roosevelt.

Speaker Jokes More Speaker Jokes

Why are radios cheaper in Scotland?

Because the boxes are battered and and the speakers are fried.

What is the motto of the French navy?

To the water, it is time! Or in french... ... BWA HA HA HA. OK... I know this is kind a dad joke but.... yeah (for those don't speak French and thus don't get this, click the link and click the speaker to have it read to you ;) )